Will my girlfriend ever come home?

[Anonymous]

So here's the situation. My girlfriend and I both 33 have been living together (renting) for the past 5 years. Every year she goes home to Portugal to see her family for a month or two.

She currently is unemployed as she got serious depression from her last job. She applied for some recently but got no replies. The other night I asked her when she was coming back and she said she doesn't know if she wants to come back here (to the uk). She feels stuck in life and is terrified she will go broke. I tried to reassure her best I can by saying i will look after her as I am financially ok. Thing is I feel like I'm stuck in limbo at the moment.

She's gone very distant and some days I don't hear from her at all. Do you think this is a phase or is she planning a new life there?

I can't move over there as I have a good job here and I need to be close by to my parents as one of them is quite ill.

If she really wants to be with me she will make the effort right?

[Screenwriter]

Sounds like she went home because of her bad luck with the job and that she was depressed. Her family is back in Portugal. But your ties are to the UK.

This COULD be a parting of the ways. Your emotional job, right now, is to have a long talk with her about her plans.

But remember, people do things when depressed that might make sense to them at the time, but don't later on.

I don't know why she didn't get help with her depression where she was with you. Therapy might've helped her to deal with the bad job and being unemployed and also job seeking for something better.

But depression is a downward spiral if the person doesn't get help. She's still going to be depressed in Portugal and she'll still not have a job. Her family might give her temporary comfort, but they can't get her a job nor solve her depression.

Maybe she'll come to this realization. Or maybe not. And she has said two disturbing things: She doesn't know when she's coming back OR if she wants to return to the UK at all.

Again, this could be her depression talking, but her depression has also caused her to leave you.

I think you should give her a time limit: emotionally and verbally. "Alicia, I've told you I'll support you financially while you look for work. I'd ALSO like you to see someone to deal with the depression you're experiencing and to help you start applying for other jobs.

A good counselor will get you through this, along with my help. Stay home another month, then come back. If you won't, I'll box up your things and ship them to you."

This is harsh AND sad, but you can't put your life on hold and be abandoned. You didn't abandon her. You've offered help, but she's not hearing or accepting that. And there's nothing you can do.

Take care of YOUR mental health and your heart.

[Asker]

What an absolutely fantastic piece of help. I thank you for putting things into a perspective like this for me.

[Screenwriter]

I wish you the best.

[HollyK21]

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you love the person and/or want to put effort for them, if they're struggling with severe mental health issues that absolutely should be the priority. You seem to be skirting around the most important aspect of her current issue, which is depression and how she’s struggling. She should be single, and close to her family as she finds herself again.


If you were truly an unselfish man you’d recognize how she’s trying to pull away from you and let her go. You shouldn’t be so focused on wanting to save the relationship that you disregard what she’s going through and instead make it all about the money. This is so much bigger than financial struggles.

[Asker]

Last night she confessed she loves me and we are partners. Im supporting her as best as I can. I can't wait in limbo either forever

[HollyK21]

Like I said, love isn’t the problem or question here. It’s her mental health and how that should be what she’s focused on right now, not being a girlfriend or keeping you content in the relationship. You’re right, you shouldn’t have to wait in limbo but it doesn’t sound like she’s asking you to. In fact it sounds like she’s trying to prepare you for an eventual breakup because she may not go back to the UK.

[Asker]

All of her belongings are here in the apartment. Surely she will come back to collect things

[HollyK21]

What does that have to do with being in a relationship?

[Finchie40]

Even though you love her , you have to love her enough to let her Make her own decisions , so if she chooses to stay where she is now over coming back to you? then just accept it for what it is , and let her know that the both of you can just remain friends’ and move on with your lives , My advice to you is to not be a sitting duck to no one , especially to someone that doesn’t really care if they see you or not. So move on and find someone that wants to be by your side no matter what.

[AviatorTom]

Why not take a few days and go see her in Portugal person. Let her know you care about her and support her.

[Asker]

I did offer but she declined saying its too hot to do anything

[AviatorTom]

I was just in Portugal a few weeks ago (Lisbon and Porto). It wasn't too hot. That sounds like her excuse to not see you so that she doesn't have to make a decision about you two. If you're serious about her, go see her.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, love and its unpredictable twists! 💔 Your girlfriend's distance and uncertainty might be her way of processing her current life's challenges. With depression in the mix, she may need time to reevaluate her path and where she sees herself—physically and emotionally. If she's envisioning a new chapter, be open to that conversation, but also express your own needs and limits. If love is still the anchor, she'll return and make it work. Keep communication alive, even if it's sporadic. Fingers crossed for a happy ending! 🥰

[D_Bone_Steak]

Prepare yourself to move on without her. I know you can't, but imagine if you could go live with her. Your situation would likely be the same as her's with you.

This is life... shit don't work out sometimes. Plus, what is your country offering her that's so great? Didn't you fuckers import a bunch of "cultural enrichment" which just enhances the chances of her getting violently sexually assaulted? Your great job providing enough to live a gated lifestyle for that?

[exitseven]

Yes, it might be the end of the road for this relationship/.

[Anonymous]

She expects u to make effort maybe? What are your intentions with her

[BadApple69]

If she really cares she will.

[seeyounexttuesday]

I wouldn't waste any more time on her.

[Asker]

Why?

[seeyounexttuesday]

She's blowing you off. It's clear the relationship is over.

[Anonymous]

I think she will eventually.