How does having an emotionally unavailable parent affect how you form relationships in future?

[Pearl222]

Does it matter if you know they cared and provided for you but you couldn’t tell them everything on your mind? Like you could only talk to them about specific topics and everything else was just brushed off?

[sage2021]

I am curious about what topics you could discuss with them that did keep their interest and made you feel like you were actually having a "normal" conversation with them. Also what age you were when you started putting it together.
I grew up without my father, so talk about emotionally unavailable, he sure was.
My mom was just different. I noticed it when I would go to my friends houses and their mom's were more like normal mom's.
For me, I had a lot of friends growing up and I relied on them for most things I needed to talk about.
But like someone else said here, that he learned to love himself and later in my life, I learned to love myself as well.
So that's 2 of us saying the same thing here. Do you believe that you love yourself? I don't mean do you just think that you're okay, but really love yourself?
Maybe that's key here. You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else in a healthy way.
So, basically if you love yourself and they are emotionally unavailable, you still have yourself to lean on, and hopefully one day you won't need them to be emotionally available for you because it's just the way they have chosen to be. They aren't going to change but you can change how you feel about them once you learn to have self-respect and love yourself.

[Pearl222]

So it was mostly academics/career related or just overall my well being. Not interested in anything concerning my social/personal life; which I guess may be normal I don't know. I’m not blaming them, they have sacrificed a lot for me; it’s just what I feel was lacking and sometimes physical absence as well, like you said. But you’re right, I’m learning to love myself unconditionally so I don’t need anyone to lean on per se, but would be a healthy and valuable addition to an already fulfilling life, someone I can feel happy and proud to call my husband one day.

[sage2021]

Sometimes our parents are our best teachers on how to NOT be a good parent.
So if you ever have children I am sure that you will be emotionally and physically available for them.
I'm glad to know that you are learning to love yourself. That will not only make you a good wife, but a good mother and person.
It takes work and a good understanding about yourself and to tweek the things that stop you from progressing with doing that.
I will always support you if you need me to do that. 🧡

[Pearl222]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Means a lot 😊
Yes, I’m trying to improve myself in every way possible so I’m the best version of myself for me and for anyone I may cross paths with in future.

[AvaRay]

It teaches u to love gently but guard yourself deeply,
to crave connection, yet flinch when it gets too close..

U learn to read silence better than words,
to show strength when what you really need is comfort..

N cause of that, u start confusing effort with love,
n intensity with care, thinking that pain means passion..

But one day u realize that real love doesn’t drain u, it grounds u..

Healing begins the moment u stop chasing what feels familiar n start choosing what feels safe, calm, n sincere..

Cause love isn’t meant to hurt, it’s meant to heal.. 😊

[Pearl222]

I get the guarded but craving connection part.
You’re absolutely right, it’s hard to train yourself to be attracted to healthy, consistent and openly expressive love and not what’s familiar.

[AvaRay]

I get that too, the craving for connection while keeping your walls up..

It’s a quiet war between the heart that longs to feel,
n the mind that’s learned love can hurt..

Learning to be drawn to calm, safe, n consistent love
after being wired for chaos n uncertainty
takes time n courage..

But u know the moment we stop chasing what feels familiar n start embracing what feels peaceful,
that’s when healing turns into self respect.. 😊

[Pearl222]

That’s very true. Thanks for the advice Ava! 😊

[aaron13547]

Lol you got me here. My mother was not a very good mother. Probably why I have this insane idea of exactly what I want the women I love to be. I had to learn to love myself before anyone else loved me. Its caused me not to need anyone. I still want someone but not if the relationship is going to be one sided; like how I love my mother, but still feel like she doesn't love me. Its extremely difficult for me to trust no matter how much I want to. I have made myself "better" tryin to not be like my parents. it's made me just like them in a way, because I'm just as emotionally unavailable just on the opposite side of the scale. They are below most people, i feel like i am above. Funny how that works 😊.

[Purpleronnie]

@pearl222 , great question , I’ve been searching for the answer to this question my whole adult life. My dad wasn’t “available” in any capacity from when I was 13 and my mother although being “there” there was never any real emotional bond.


So I know it’s affected me , from how I see myself and in every relationship I’ve ever had but I’ve never been able to get ahead of it.

[AI Opinion]

Helping people navigate the trenches of love and connection is my game, and having an emotionally unavailable parent can be a biggie. It might lead you to struggle with opening up, creating emotional walls, and feeling hesitant to truly trust others. You might only focus on lovebombing and end up ghosting unknowingly. Knowing your parents cared is positive, but it can't fill the emotional gaps this kind of dynamic leaves. Recognizing these patterns can be your first step toward forming healthier relationships. You're not doomed, just in need of a little love tune-up! 😉

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Well, it usually turns you into a people-pleaser who just ends up being miserable because you struggle to tell anyone anything negative because you don’t want to risk them not liking you as you’ve been trained to believe all love you experience is conditional to how well you make someone else happy, so you never know how to set boundaries in a way that guarantees your own happiness.

[Pearl222]

You’re absolutely right. It was hard for me to learn to set clear boundaries, but I’m finding the more I do it even at the risk of losing people, it makes me respect myself more. So, it’s a work in progress, but getting better each day.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Therapy helped my friend a lot. Also make sure to read “Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” if you haven’t already

[Pearl222]

I’ve just started reading it and thank you so much for the recommendation. It’s a great book! Will probably help me understand some things much better:)

[Skye_Walker]

I would say I struggle a lot when opening up to someone, as im used to keep everything to myself and that is kinda draining. Also, thats why now im pretty shy and not really open to meet new people, i struggle at bonding with people i dont know and take a lot to get confident around them

[Pearl222]

I used to be like that as well, very shy and introverted. It just takes some effort and you probably don’t like to make small talk as well; but just start with something small like complimenting people or finding common ground and you’ll slowly find yourself opening up more.

[qwerty2469]

My mother bailed on us when my little sister was 2. That and being violently molested by my 1st grade teacher is why I hate ld women growing up. Now I've been married to a saint of a woman for 21 years and have all daughters.

[WhitneySnow]

I’m not sure but it definitely impacts the kind of partners you look for. And probably not in a good way either, though I guess it might be good if you seek out more emotionally available people to date, people who are not like that parent.

[mysteriousNicholas]

@WhitneySnow they even get whatever's the left overs - gratefully, 😅 I'm glad I had a luckier upbringing 🙂

[mysteriousNicholas]

I feel for those who didn't though ofc - must be some cruel gods as well as good gods out there , luck is to blame,

[Nikki1989]

Having an emotionally unavailable parent can shape how you form future relationships, often leading to a pattern of either anxiety or avoidance, but it is unlikely all people in that situation will be affected.

[mysteriousNicholas]

@pearl222 I've watched enough, read enough, in fiction and reality - to assume (I had a wonderful upbringing and no such drama) + that those people will be bitter, and need psych support the rest of their lives aka therapist therapy.

[mysteriousNicholas]

@pearl222 so I'm grateful I've always had gods or a god giving me a good life - past, present and future 🙏 😈

[mysteriousNicholas]

I feel for those who didn't though ofc - must be some cruel gods as well as good gods out there , luck is to blame, - shrug - what can anyone guess

[AngryCarl2]

I would characterize both my parents as emotionally unavailable, and one of them was toxic. I find it hard, next to impossible to form and maintain relationships. I'm poor at expressing emotions in a way that's healthy.

[Fireguy17]

You tend to try to correct the mistakes from your past just like your kids will do, providing you have kids

[Staximus]

Because it can make you emotionally unavailable to others, and that will definitely be a problem in a relationship

[Anonymous]

It affects people on emotional and mental level.

[exitseven]

Maybe that explains why I am the way I am.