Recently discovered that my boyfriend went to his family Christmas gathering with his ex while he was courting me. what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Been with my current boyfriend for close to a year now, only came to know recently that during the period when he was courting me, he still went to a family Christmas gathering with his ex. He said they weren't together already but kept that arrangement because they did not want his parents to know (afterall they had been dating on/off for 7 years) and question him about it. It's hard for me to fathom how can he be flirting with me while being in a family gathering with his ex. I'm happy with him so far and it doesn't seem like he is still talking to his ex ever since we started dating, but I'm not sure if this is something I shld let pass and move on or shld I break up because of this?

[Noredcarpet]

I don't know if I got this right so if I don't don't be mad. You say he courted you, but you two did not date at this stage? You presumed or he told you he was single at this stage? But he had this ex he did not tell you about?

Ok so he goes to this Christmas gathering with her, both of them knowingly putting on this phasade because he did not want to inform his parents he was no longer with her because he did not want them to ask him questions. Why is this do hard? To get questions from your parents? I for one would not pretend or ask my ex pretend and go with me for this reason. It is such a laim reason. Anyways, So both his ex and he does this sacrifize to show up together and pretend they are a couple still. Wonder if he or she touched one another lovingly as a couple or photographs were taken of them as a couple? They exchanged gifts too maybe?

I think from his perspective he did not fully know where things were going with her, they had been on and off for 7 years and they show up to family gatherings pretending they are a couple when they are not so either they enjoyed one anothers company regardless, or they were still hoping further ahead they would get it together again. I would buy 100% this pretending if they had kids and did not want to ruin their Christmas, have Christmas forever connected to the time they told them they were, had split up. But his own parents? They're not kids, they should be able to handle that easily. What is this?

He was courting you, but he did not yet know if the two of you were going to start dating? I think he was at this stage more into his old life, old relationship, used to the on and off, and coming out of it as he was courting you. I understand he has ruined these first memories you have of him courting you. I'm sorry about that.

Did he rell you this now out of guilt? He has anxiety about this? Or realize you are going to find out anyways? Perhaps he had a wakening at this gathering realizing this was a mistake and thinking about you? Wishing he was there with you instead? Maybe this was something that pushed him forward?

The only thing I can somehow try to place me in your shoes, to try to figure out how you feel, somewhat, is that I found out that my partners ex would crash a party he was at or flirtations would step up their game when I wasn't there. I was one time suspiscious when a girl I could tell from before was into him, was texting him and I could see the text as he was walking beside me and as always he was quick to try to text back. He did not think there was anything wrong with it, he thought he was going to go to this thing she was texting him about. Of cource I was not invited. I knew, just knew, from having seen how she had acted before that she was into him and the brief moment we had before all got together I could tell she pretended she liked me and didn't care, but she did. He claimed he did not know this, that she was into him. I came to the realization that his past, and present, was playing out similtanously with our present without him being at times aware of everything or taking a stand. I think one time he got upset as his ex showed up and started to physically, touch him. He had just text me. I think to him crossing the line was if he was touched like that. I have tried to go through everything but I can not say if we were dating or if we had made the decision to be a couple at this stage. What I do know is that it was all brand new. He said he did not tell me what had happened because he was afraid he would loose me over it. He would give me only so little at times long after we had made the decision to be a couple from that incident when I think he felt somewhat safe to say it and too that it plaqued his mind. I wish he had just said it. But honestly had he told me then and there I would think OK they got here before I did and he could be a player so he is not for me. I would probably not date him.

What I think is a must is that the two of you really talk. Sometimes fear gets in our way of daring to put all the cards on the table.

I understand your fear that he could cheat on you in the future because of it, but I honestly don't see that as a risk because when you think about it he and his ex knew they were not longer a couple but they pretended to be for the sake of his parents over the holiday. In the meanwhile he was courting you, but not dating you, he did not know if he would ever have you.

My partner has been the one most troubled by his jealousy of me and fear of loosing me, and if and when I have felt jealousy or felt I can't trust him as he has proved to me he has not crossed that line and we have talked much about what he consider is cheating and what I think is cheating and come to an understanding. These are very loaded, emotional, naked, raw conversations to have, but we had to get through them in order to come to the other side. I understand if this all feels too much for you and you think about breaking up with him, but if I were you I would try to stay in the moment and get through it together.

[Noredcarpet]

Want to add something. I myself sm as guilty as charged of having agreed to still be friends with someone I used to date after I broke things off just because I felt quilty about it I suppose, my empathy trips me sometimes, and because he said he wsnted it and our social life people wanted it, more convinient to them. However, when I had stayed in this situation for some time I realized I could not do it. With my partner it was his ex and her touching that in the end did it for him, pushed him forward, if anything I should thank her because in the end it made him see things clear. What can look bad, when we agree to things or stay in situations may be the very things that make us change, ssy no thanks in the future. If so we will not do them again. That holiday could have been the one thing that in the end made him say no thanks. Talk to him.

[Asker]

Thanks for the note. He did not told me about it cuz of guilt - i think to him he feels nothing wrong simply because we weren't dating at the time yet. I found out when we were discussing about this year's Christmas when his dad invited me. Yes, I did have a talk with him after. With the help of many opinions on here, I decided to give him some grace. I'm worried about his behavior but at the same time I don't wanna penalized him for something he did in the past when we aren't in a relationship yet. but I guess I will just have to tread water till a time I feel more trustful to give my 100% to him.

[Noredcarpet]

Good you did. Yes, time will tell.

[Abbycado]

If you were not officially together, he can do what he wants.

[Asker]

That is true. Perhaps I should give grace on this.

[Abbycado]

I would for this instance.

[LiamJHayden]

If you had not discussed and agreed to be officially dating then both of you were free to pursue other possibilities.

[Asker]

That is true.

[Iron_Man]

Talk to him maybe he’s friends with the family

[Nikki1989]

Courting implies exclusivity, or at least, the intention of exclusivity. His actions suggest his commitment to you was, at best, tentative, and at worst, dishonest.

[beenherebefore]

If you guys were just in the courting phase and not exclusive then you shouldn’t do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Actually very honourable of him and very decent to his ex. Not many men would actually do that if it was over.

[slatyb]

He's not over her. Don't waste your time.

[Anonymous]

That's fucked up he's a red flag