What's worse: a partner who needs space and goes silent for a day after a fight, or one who wants to talk it out immediately, even if it gets loud?

[HawkPerception]

A partner who needs space and goes silent for a day after a fight

A partner who wants to talk it out immediately, even if it gets loud

[VioletHaze]

I dont do conflict well. Due to trauma, I fawn or cry if a man yells or gets angry at me. So I'd prefer we both take a few moments to calm down then discuss. That way, I am actually able to think and not just shrink.

If he expressed his anger in a collected way, even if it's harsh I could handle it, maybe even cool down the situation as I am good at not mirroring anger or frustration.

Either way, I definetely prefer those who take their time. Things cannot be unsaid and those kinda things stick even if you didn't mean them at the time.

[DishLady]

Why does one have to be “worse”. Some people need time and others need information. They’re just different processing techniques.

[HawkPerception]

Just what you tend to dislike even a bit more

[DishLady]

I like to chat things through (obviously) but sometimes the other person is just not a talker, they're a doer and they need space to get the words out. It's frustrating for me, since I prefer to lay everything out clearly and see where the gaps are in our thinking, but not everyone is the same.

[Finchie40]

I’d say the girl that needs space is worse, because when someone truly loves you and
Cares about you , they don’t need space
From you , only selfish people need space from their partners’ because they can’t admit they are wrong and they are more than likely already up to no good behind your back , but the girl that wants to stand there and fight it out with you , is a girl you should try to keep by your side as much as possible , because she loves you and has passion for you and wants things to be better between the both of you , so that’s something you should never overlook in a relationship , a girl that needs space from you that doesn’t get her way , is a girl you should not let her come back to you , keep her ass on the streets where she belongs. Because a girl that truly loves you will not need to leave the house whatsoever , she will go on another room I’ll til things calm down , that’s a girl you should keep. Most people that take space and leave the house are selfish people that only care about themselves and most of them use it as an excuse to go see their other lover , don’t fall for That shit whatsoever.

[AviatorTom]

Wind down time is important... it takes time to think about what was done and why the fight existed.

[HawkPerception]

I agree

[Noredcarpet]

I have had an ex who in my opinion was almost scared to get into a fight, as if afraid to loose me. I can not remember him yelling at me during this pretty long period of the relationship. Most maybe raised his voice a little. I didn't think anything about arguments or fights so he did not need to be so careful. Serious. Protective. It really was as if he did not want to say anything bad to me. He could tell others off in an instant, I could tell he was good at that.

He changed over time, when I think his bipolar was born, the age is about right. All the signs. Stress period. I had no knowledge of it or how to face irrational jealousy that came with it. There would be hours apart when I thought everything was good with him, with us, to then see him down, pissed. Holding back. No clue to what had happened in between. This would over time get more so, shorter periods. He would now start with a new rule that felt like nothing short but a punishment with after I thought we had talked something through he still needed more time, or said I needed more time. But I think he was being afraid it would get worse. He would still keep an eye on me. I got that. I was aware he had strong emotions. Difficult to regulate. It was up, down, keeping it locked in, getting irritated over issues noone normally would.

This made me sad, genuinly so sad, the time he needed apart, more and more after something. I was now careful what to say or not as I did not want to go through that again. When he would reach out he would be like it never happened. It was confusing. I thought I knew him before. With his jealousy came a bad temper, and him refusing to let go of something that was not real. He was scaring me. But he still strangely had kept that old protective side of him too of me. He was tormented. Lots of things he did, said I now understand came from the jealousy, the bipolar, but at the time I was totally lost.

My "problem" has been that I can sense my partners feelings to a level where I can hardly tell my own feelings and thoughts. I get like this when I can tell something's off, like them battling something else simultanously as a mental condition. I take second seat. This is something they discover, had an ex too who developed an addiction, he was never complicated, but it again got to be much about him and less about me. It got impossible of course over time as the addiction got a hold of him.

Now on to my current partner we had to get retaught on how to deal with discussions and fights. He is more intense and he hangs on til we get it sorted out, but he and I have both learned that I need my time to identify and express my feelings, thoughts and will do so and when I do he has to be ready to let me in. We stay in contact throughout. I have never done lets say silence treatment on a partner. I think that is cruel. But I know more today about respecting my own feelings, thoughts and not be too much on helping my partner out.

I think many couples can get into old habit on how they fight and get something right and something wrong.

I believe how you fight is what makes you or break you. It is nothing short but a talent to get it all right if you have had bad teachers like parents doing it wrong. Or if you at the same time is dealing with something mental. Not all of the guys I've been involved with has had troubles like that but I've learned I have been drawn to people who's gone through a lot, chemistry with the few guys that I guess none of us could explain. On the surface we looked like any other couple, on surface the guy had no red flag, no pre warning as to what was to happen, none considered stormy, not two being dramatic but I suppose had I been more like them there would have been, but being the opposite too at times is not the solution. I think me being the opposite has been zoothing but too scary as they still feel the connection breaking or fearing it. I think when we fight we do need that connection most but we can act like the opposite. We need to feel safe. With them I have felt very loved despite. To others knowing us they too I have understood it as if they thought this was real love, mutual.

I have felt better with the ex with the addiction, actually, and my partner who does not want to have a whole day or more apart, then how it made me feel with the bipolar ex where it went on for days, not only because of the days but in between as I was not spontanous, open anymore but always going on eggshells to avoid new periods of a day or days apart. It teared me down.

[Purpleronnie]

I can accommodate either , but I’d much rather “talk” it out at the soonest opportunity after the dust settles. Not a fan of letting things fester or just brushing things to one side.


Can’t remember the last time I raised my voice with my lady never mind term it as a “fight”. Sure we have disagreements and differences in opinion but if they matter then they are discussed and the air cleared.


I’m of the opinion that as soon as have raised my voice I’ve lost control even if it was justifiable and I hate that more than any argument.

[Crimsyjo]

Space is always good. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to say horrible things that later after space evaporate. I'd prefer a guy takes space and comes back calm and with a reasonable argument as to what he thinks we should do or explain what the issue was.

[HawkPerception]

That's what I prefer too

[petitedollbabee]

A partner who needs space and leaves the discussion for a day. By then, I've already forgotten half of it and it’s been left too long. You gotta talk about it in the moment or just move on, no inbetween, unless you’re in a public space and can’t discuss the private topic on the spot.

[smashleyy]

Avoidant vs anxious attachment. Both are mentally draining and lack emotional maturity. I lean more avoidant myself so I tend to naturally attract anxious men and it is hell

[HawkPerception]

Okay but which is worse to you?

[smashleyy]

Anxious

[SolitarySolace]

Talking things out immediately always escalates things and leads to making things worse as opposed to coming back with a level head later on.

[HawkPerception]

I agree

[queenofcardio]

I'd prefer talking it out. I understand giving space but a whole day silent is not preferable

[Allybear83]

I could never stay with someone that after a fight they shut down and don't want to talk. To me that's abuse as they are trying to punish you for arguing with them. I had an ex that anytime we fought or he had a bad day or whatever he would go into his shell and not want to talk. It was unfair and I felt it was abusive towards me as it would stress me out and I knew they were trying to control the situation and get what they want for selfish reasons. I would never trust someone who does this.

[jtg13]

The avoidant. Sure have time to collect yourself and ponder but that's a couple hours at best. Resolve the issue at hand

[Ironco]

The loud fighting never solves anything.

I prefer the silent day of quiet, that way you both can reflect on the situation and move forward.

[PeachyPie93]

Silent guys are worse since most things usually don't get resolved and they checkout at any disagreement.

[msc545]

I think the one that goes silence is much worse because it's so passive, aggressive, and hostile. I'd prefer to talk things out since there is at least a chance that things can be worked out. With silence, there's no chance.

[MicahRaine]

Honestly not sure. I've effectively had both. Both can be good, provided that the issue is resolved rather than festering for months

[Staximus]

The person who wants to talk it out is obviously trying to mend fences instead of burning bridges. The person who needs space and goes silent could decide to just not come back.

[Jamie05rhs]

The latter.