What to do about partners boundaries?

[Noredcarpet]

Been in a relationship enough to notice a pattern with the partner when it concerns his boundaries. They are not like mine. In the past he would not react as early as I would when lets say someone in his first family was behaving badly. Other situations too I noticed I am always the one reacting first, before him, to a boundary being crossed. The way I react I notice that the one having crossed a boundary gets the message and stop what ever he/she thinks they are doing and it doesn't get bigger than that. But with him he waits too long or he claims he didn't see it as that. As a result this green light he sends out then makes who ever is doing it think they can continue or increase their act. So drama is then invited into not just his life, but mine too and now I'm reacting to it. Suddenly it hits home with him, with or without me present or knowing about it, and he has this strong reaction to it, so now there is much drama, a scene that in my opinion never happens if I was in his shoes, as I react sooner and by that early it doesn't take much to get that someone who's crossed it to stop. Not only does the one who has been crossing boundaries look confused (as this was going so well before) but everyone else by this point also feel confused as he is by then so mixed up with the one he's now mad at, and take distance from to try to save his own innocense.

I have been told in a relationship I have every right to voice, claim my boundaries, my deal breakers and they should be respected by my partner, but in reality this doesn't work as his boundaries, or looking at things are so different from mine when it concern himself. I can't really tell him my boundaries should be your boundaries when it's stuff that concern him first of all, but at the same time I can't function, feel a we team, if I'm with someone with less so.

[MrChinaski]

Your question is very important and engaging, but also pretty 'meta'. No real examples of what you mean.

I'm not a big fan of boundaries, enforced or otherwise. They are 1980s psycho-babble meaning 'I want less from this relationship in this specific way and it's your job to respect that'. And it is their job to respect that. Right up until the point there is not enough still unbounded for the relationship to bring value to each other's lives and your only choice is to exercise your right to walk out that door.

I don't like talking about politics = I don't trust that you will love me if I hold strong opinions that differ from yours

I don't want you hanging around other women = I feel terribly insecure and worthless and don't trust you will love me if you are presented with other choices

I don't want to talk to you about heavy stuff, let's just have fun and maybe we can schedule some time to do that (yes, that has actually happened to me!) = I feel myself getting too close to you and it is overwhelming and scary, so please love me less so I don't have to do the work of growth myself

Precisely by protecting yourself from discomfort you protect yourself from love.

What happens if you just be with each other, trust each other and ride the roller coaster together, arms high in the air?

Not a response about you, OP, at all. I don't know anything about you at all. Just offering one old man's reflections on the subject broadly.

[Noredcarpet]

From my understanding his boundaries has been messed up because of what parents, caretakers were like, not teaching your child healthy boundaries. When u for instance have 1 parent who is dominant, selfish, unpredictable this can create kids who become too emphatic etc and don't recognize normal healthy boundaries that exist in other normal homes (not saying these normal homes don't have problems to deal with, everyone has now and then but not o that scale to inflict such harm).

I was once during a period datong this guy who had such a big heart, was dying to get married, have kids, was such a good boyfriend, but his family was from hell, it was a shock and I knew then and there that they had most likely sabotaged any romantic life he had before me, by their attitude, actions they were going to be sabotaging us, and in his future if he did not set boundaries to protect himself and his future girlfriend, wife. He reminded me of stories I knew from before, about another boy who everyone adored but he had a bitch for a mom which astonished everyone. Another, most tragic I know of was this guy who got engaged to this equally kind hearted woman, only his mom (too a bitch) was real mean to her, and her son ended up caring for his mom (this after his girl had a nervous breakdown or similar because of all that had been going on), took care of this mom til she died. Just how the mom planned it. Never married. Frozen in time.

I've seen children from these types of homes and they either as a surviving mechanism develop accepting too much bs and put other peoples needs before their own, don't know what they themselves feel and think, are trying to avoid conflicts, are scared. Or they become like the parent themselves.

With the guy I dated who had this big heart I could feel myself turning frustraded, scared, ket down myself as in me knowing I would have to protect us both and it still would not be enough, and my system would be running 200% instead of my balanced 100% .

[Noredcarpet]

I was able to tell with my partner that he came from such a home but he had sort of 50/50 made it, but there were still damage being done to him and anyone else innocent in the family. I had to talk to him about it and this was difficult.
When it concerned other parts too in his life I could tell his boundaries were off and all if it, including him worrying about us, spiraled him into mental illness. I have been trying to be a support. It is important being in the situations he is in, not easy, that he put up boundaries for his own sake, taking us aside.

[MrChinaski]

You are a beautiful person. Cold hard reality is even though they may have had no control over who they become, only they can change who they are now. And it's hard work. And the best you can do is be with them, if you choose. You can't protect him, even though I admire your desire to do so. Or at least that's my thoughts.

[Noredcarpet]

Thank u, but I don't know about that. We have had a history where for instance one girl masking as his friend had feelings for him (I could tell unlike the other girls in his/our lives how she was to me, revealing herself that way) but he would not believe me, call me jealous, and meanwhile she would get away with things, touching him in an inappropriate way, til finally he said I was right. In recent time he befriended another girl, unstable, and I could tell his empathy was too much, too involved, their connection strong, I left him to be alone as this is not OK with me, she crossed boundaries and he welcomed it but telling me later on he thought it was strange of her. He has been in treatment and now when it comes to his family's problems he's doing so much better, but this? No. To him it takes more before he thinks a girl has crossed a line before he reacts. It hurts me.

[MrChinaski]

It's very sad. You are beautiful. Peace, friend.

[Noredcarpet]

Thank u very much, to u too :)

[Nikki1989]

It should never have to be discussed. If you choose to pursue that path, the warning signs are already very clear.

[Zionne]

it should be respected

[AI Opinion]

Hey love seeker, it sounds like you're navigating some choppy relationship waters with those boundary waves 🌊. It's all about getting on the same page as your partner. You both have different tolerances for drama and peacemaking, which can be tough. Notice how you're ready to swoop in and shut down the theatrics, but he's more laid back. Here’s the trick: communicate! Suggest an open and honest chat about how different reactions impact you both. Finding that middle ground could be the key for a team that’s thriving, not just surviving. Keep the love alive and boundaries clear! ❤️

[Bloodparadise]

Just give it time maybe

[In_Trance]

Tldr