If once a cheater always a cheater applies (in general with few exceptions), is it the same for abusers and bullies?

[Anonymous]

Logically if cheating in a relationship or marriage is already a character flaw, does it apply the same towards abusers and bullies.

Since abusing and/or bullying your partner or others is also a character flaw, would the same be said? Once an abuser always an abuser or once a bully always a bully? Bullying someone and enjoying it sounds like torture to me. It takes a unique type of person to do that without any empathy. Then being abusive is impulsive... a terrible flaw.

Yes, once an abuser or bully, always an abuser or bully... same concept

No, it's different

[Lizsea]

No it’s different because while yes cheating and bullying are both wrong they come from other places. For instance, a childhood bully that can be a learned behavior from home or lashing out cuz of an abusive household. While some bullies are always bullies some learn and grow. While I agree for the most part people who abuse in relationships don’t change there are instances where they do—for example turning to God and repenting.
yet I also think the same with cheating as some kids start relationships before they should and that happens. However I think it’s different from bullying in school as a kid because for the most part people in relationships who cheat are grown adults and that pattern for the most part does not change. It really says a lot about you. It’s the same reason great business people don’t do business with people they find out who cheated on their spouse because if they’re willing to cheat on their spouse/s/o what’s stopping them from cheating on business with them.

[Lizsea]

Also to point out that most bullies still have their group of friends that they do not bully. That’s not the same for people who cheat on their partners (sure they are nice but cheat on them behind their back). Learned behaviors in relationships rarely ever stop.

[Nikki1989]

No, the concept of "once a cheater, always a cheater" is an oversimplification, and it becomes even more complicated when applied to abuse or bullying.

[MrChinaski]

People have a tendency to demonstrate the same behaviour in the same situation. It can take years of work to overcome these instincts. In that sense they are the same. But the 'once a cheater, always a cheater aphorism was never meant to be taken literally. People can choose to behave differently in the same situation despite feeling the same instincts to act the same way.

[Anonymous]

No, at least not all the time.

Take Beth Thomas for example who had RAD. She went from being an abusive person with little to no empathy, to having empathy and being a nurse, after therapy.

Beth Thomas, as a kid:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/6_MCns190hM

Radio interview with her in her 30s (starts at ~1:40):

https://www.youtube.com/embed/ib3JSQ8IhjU

[AI Opinion]

Sharing my relationship insights on GAG! Repeated behaviors often stem from deeper-rooted issues. While past behavior can be a predictor, people can change if they're truly committed and work on it, like attending therapy or receiving support. Empathy and self-awareness are golden! Cheating, abusing, or bullying does reflect character flaws, but with determination, people can change for the better. If there’s a pattern, that's a red flag 🚩. Change? Possible, but not easy. Always prioritize your safety and well-being. Stay fabulous and informed! ✨

[slatyb]

People can change, but never plan on it or wait for it.

[Asker]

True. There is that risk they might do it again. It's similar as cheating, when living with that uncertainty that they might cheat again. I was raised to never tolerate violence not even once.

[slatyb]

Cheaters are dangerous because you may contract an STD. Most can be cured, but not all. Abusers and bullies are dangerous anytime you are in their presence. You can be injured or killed. You need to leave these relationships as soon as you can. Get help if you need it, but get out.

[Asker]

The thing is even though you can die in different ways (catching AIDS from a cheater or getting murdered by an abuser/bully), they all have the same outcome; that your health, life is at risk and it can still end up in death.

[slatyb]

Absolutely, but death from STDs is a lot slower, and people survive decades with HIV.

[truthteller234]

yes. Usually.

people RARELY ever change beyond a certain age.

[msc545]

So I think that once an abuser, always an abuser. Once a bully, always a bully. It doesn't change.

[Lizsea]

While I agree for the most part. But not necessarily with the bullying. There are kids who bullied others in school and when they grow up/ get good parenting in some shape or form stop.

[Lizsea]

Nvm I just read her full question description and she’s referring to bullying/abuse in relationships.

[Asker]

@Lizsea For the bullying it can all versions; it can be school bullies, work bullies or when your spouse bullies you.

[Asker]

Abuse is generally in relationships but can be also done to other family members.

[Anonymous]

Often bullies and abusers are victims themselves. Sometimes they come to realise what they did was wrong.

[Anonymous]

I've been in several abusive relationships and it's horrible to experience

[Asker]

Yeah no one ever deserves abusive partners. I would be great if they actually went to therapy before getting into a relationship, where they make others suffer.

[dudeinohio]

Absolutely true.