Major Argument With Wife... Is It Wrong To Ask To Be In Charge of A Household Chore?

[Anonymous]

My wife and I had a major argument yesterday over the following:

I am the primary cook in our house. I also do the VAST majority of dishes, which I suppose makes sense since I do most of the cooking. As the primary cook I do like my kitchen a certain way (knives put in to their correct places in a knife block, herbs and spice put into our lazy Susan (sorry Susans) in an orderly way that makes it easier to find, and cooking utensils/appliance (mixing bowls, measuring spoons, serving dishes) put in certain cabinets and in an orderly fashion.

My wife will often empty the drying racks and put dishes wherever she sort of wants. I understand her feeling on this, as she doesn't cook often so I don't think convenience, familiarity, or a certain logic really occur to her in putting this dishes and items away

Yesterday while cooking I reached a breaking point. I needed a knife from the block. I reach for the Santoku, and every single knife is put in an arbitrary (random) spot. i needed a colunder (strainer) and couldn't find it. why? it as with our mixing bowls rather than with our other strainers, salad spinners etc...

So I approached my wife and said (trying to quote exactly), "I would really appreciate it if I could be the person to put away knives and certain dishes from the drying rack" and continued to explain why as delicately as possible

My wife got angry and said i'm being too controlling, particular, and that she has the right to put away dishes in "her" house. We had a huge argument and even now (14hrs later) are not really speaking.

Am I being too particular and/or controlling?

Am I wrong in thinking she is overreacting?

Is it an unreasonable ask on my part?

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

I do think you might be a little OCD here, but basically overall it's just a difference in styles clashing over something silly. She feels like you are invalidating her ways of doing things by your obsessiveness and you feel like she is being flippant for a system that works for you as the primary kitchen person.

What you need to find is a good common ground to work from. You aren't being too unreasonable to ask to be the sole person to handle the kitchen and I think if I were her I would take that as a blessing and stay out of your way. However, with her wanting to do the work, maybe she is saying she wants more time in the kitchen herself. Work on dinner together and let her wash while you dry and put things away. It will help build a better idea of what works for both of you.

Good luck though no matter which way you choose to go and hopefully she talks to you soon.

[Asker]

you're the second person to mention OCD. I tend to not think i'm OCD but where there's smoke there may be fire right?
i will look into symptoms of OCD and consider whether or not i'm perhaps somewhere on that spectrum

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

Maybe, but I wouldn't take it too literally. I think it's just one of those terms when someone seems a little too "anal retentive" about order in their lives. If you aren't able to function with that kind of chaos in your life then I would be more concerned about an official diagnosis. If it's just more of an annoyance then I think you will be fine.

[Asker]

i greatly appreciate your perspective. Thank you

[VioletHaze]

Expecting her to do the chore the way you like it would be an unreasonable request, seeing as you are quite particular. But that is not what you are doing. You are simply asking to be in charge of this particular chore. I wouldn't say it is unreasonable, especially given the distress it causes you.

But you are also describing OCD-tendencies. Not going to diagnose you, but that underlying issue can cause challenges for your wife. Rather than putting a bandage on the issue, by giving you the chore, you might want to develop some strategies to make things easier for the both of you.

[Asker]

you're the second person to mention OCD. I tend to not think i'm OCD but where there's smoke there may be fire right?
i will look into symptoms of OCD and consider whether or not i'm perhaps somewhere on that spectrum

[VioletHaze]

I mention OCD due to your wife's reaction. I feel like it is a fair request, if your need for control only includes the kitchen, where you do most of the work. But the fact that it became such a big fight makes me believe there are some underlying issues that need addressing.

[Asker]

thanks for clarifying. i agree it is a reaction that is symptom of a bigger under lying issue.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you untangle relationship drama before it turns into emotional WW3. 😉

You’re not wrong for wanting “kitchen logic.” That’s your workspace, and you’re the primary cook. Wanting knives and tools in predictable spots is about efficiency, not control.

Where it went sideways is her feeling criticized and “policed” in her own home. Classic trigger. She heard: “You’re doing it wrong,” not: “This helps me function better.”

Your ask is reasonable. Her reaction is understandable. The solution is teamwork: you both agree the kitchen is your domain for organization, while appreciating her effort instead of turning it into a red-flag power struggle. Then you compensate by giving her “full control” over another area she cares about.

This isn’t about dishes. It’s about respect, territory, and feeling valued… and you two can totally fix that with a calm talk, a kiss, and maybe you cooking her favorite meal in that correctly organized kitchen. 😏🍳

[DishLady]

Sounds like princess is afraid to break a nail or be generally useful. Perhaps she thinks her conjugal obligations are the only ones that matter?

You get married presumably after dating for a while. In that time when you're dating, you're testing each other out with one question subconsciously impacting every observation you make about each other. "Can I live with that... forever?" When enough times the answer is "yes" and if you're spiritually, mentally, and physically attracted, with the TRUE intention of "FOREVER" in mind, then you get married.

BUT... BUUUUT... too often gals hitch themselves to a macho sugar daddy or guys hitch themselves to a princess.

The key here is about what you've TRAINED HER to see as acceptable while you were first laying out the foundational groundwork of your relationship. Flipping the script now isn't making sense to her. She married you with certain expectations.

I'm not saying that she's RIGHT... but you also missed your window to "assign chores" like you're two kids sharing a co-ed dorm.

Try again. Calm, not too pushy. Stay off the "i do everything why can't you do anything" tone or wording. Your sweet spot is "I FEEL I'M NOT APPRECIATED." and "I'D BE MUCH LESS EXHAUSTED IF CHORES WERE SPLIT."

Ok?

Meanwhile, just to make you laugh a little so you're in a better mood to break this fight up: Village People "MACHO MACHO MAN" 😂😂😂

https://www.youtube.com/embed/_bLRaGo-Qwc

[ohsheeT]

It's called dishes y could have backed her up against the wall. Kissed her slowly and said. Can you help me find the 10 things I. Can't find please. A nd thank you for trying to make my job easier by putting stuff away. But please just leave it open. Go , put your feet up , watch t v

It does suck when you can't find something, but you're not going anyplace. You're just making dinner or something you could've just asked her , babe oh baby do you remember where you put this strainer? I can'\nT find it anywhere

[Asker]

when you have 2 kids, work a full time job and often have things to do in the evenings (taking kids to sports, theater, dance) i don't really have time to ask my wife to come in and find x, y, z... as she is also often times doing other things (like helping the kids with homework)

I do ask her, currently, and i feel the constant need to ask where things are, or the extra minutes i spend finding it create stress. i imagine as a 41 year old you can imagine the hectic nature family life can be.

[ohsheeT]

Yes 100 % i was a single parent for a long time. And with everything that you said and mentioned , we both know that is deeper than that

If you take your kids, your job, your job, raising them serious. The rewards never stop you have to acknowledge and accept this gonna be hard. But it's only going to be as hard as you make it.\nAs you're teaching then who to be in life and what?\nThey're going to have to do to create that life for themselves. One day is rewarding , it's not easy but it is well worth it.. and\nIf the world wasn't as ugly as it is right now , I would probably want more kids

[WindAtMyBack]

She's being stubborn for no reason. "In charge" might not be the best choice of words though. "Decide" would be a better choice.

It's a stupid thing to argue about. When people move into a new house or apartment, things in the kitchen end up in a certain drawer or cabinet as they are unpacked. That is where they go from then on. It's not even discussed. Someone might ask "Where'd you put the forks?". Then they put the spoons in the same drawer without discussion.

People tend to arrange the kitchen in similar ways. You can go into a stranger's house, and there is a pretty good chance you can go straight to the right drawer to get a spoon, or the right cabinet to get a glass.

So where is the misc junk drawer? Right next to the sink? Nope, it's probably on the end farthest from the sink.

[Asker]

good point about the words "in charge" vs "decide"
I don't remember if i said in charge specifically but i think it was something along those lines.

[nastyb]

@Asker

Everything should have a certain place in the house. Spoons in one section of the drawer Forks in another section of the drawer. All strainers should be in a bucket. All big knives should be in one section of the cabinet. All smaller knives should be put in a separate place. All fruit should be in one section of the fridge.

Its really not that hard. I don't know why couples over complicate things. Every household runs this way.

But if you are expecting your wife to put all your knives in order from most commonly used to least used, then you are being too OCD of a neat freak.

[ManOnFire]

You didn't do anything wrong, and you asked in a non-confrontational way: "I would really appreciate it if I could be the person to put away knives and certain dishes from the drying rack"

I am a man who cooks too so I can understand your frustration with that disorder. She neither cooks and is not very orderly either apparently. She should respect how you want your knives, and it's not even like you're telling her to not do anything at all, you want 'certain' things done by you. Absolutely ridiculous and unnecessary for her to call you "controlling" over that.

[Anonymous]

I'm the same way as you. I put my pans in certain places where i can find them & grab them when needed. Same with utensils plates cups and especially spices. Fuck I'm one of the biggest nitpickers and really micromanage when it comes to spices being on certain shelves in certain locations in those shelves. It's an ordered chaos or chaotic order because i know where everything is and much easier to grab. The hot and mild spices bottom shelf left side cinnamons next row over same shelf regular spices next row over from previous but same shelf as the others then flour sugar etc. Plates left cabinet bottom shelf right hand side utensils top pull out shelf under the counter top. Organized chaos easier to find and grab

[Anonymous]

I think there is something wrong with you.

you're acting like the kitchen is purely ONLY YOUR private space. It's also your wife's kitchen. Is she supposed to leave everything out at the end of the night for YOU to put back? isn't that a lot more work for you? I'm sure you will get pissed off there is a mountain of utensils that you need to place back in order every night.

Your kitchen is not your room. It's a public space. Especially if kids come into the picture, it would be even worse.

what will be better if you both place things not in their specific exact spot where you both will know where it is. Don't line them up in order. Don't be a crazed neat freak. Organize bowls with bowls. Plates with plates. All strainers at one area.

[Asker]

" isn't that a lot more work for you? I'm sure you will get pissed off there is a mountain of utensils that you need to place back in order every night."
-- yes it would be more work. no i wouldn't be frustrated putting stuff back because as stated i'd rather things get put back in an organized way than have to not be able to find things

I have kids. they ask where things go if they are putting things away.

organizing is precisely what i'm talking about. the fact that my wife doesn't put things away in an organized matter is precisely the point.

as the primary cook (i cook breakfast, and dinner 7-days a week. my wife may make the kids lunch on weekends) organization is important to me as it reduces stress while cooking and frustration I feel towards my wife when i can't find things (like mixing bowls, as you mentioned)

I feel like you perhaps didn't read my post clearly cause a lot of things you state, putting things in organized manner (bowls with bowls, strainger at one area) are literally things I mentioned aren't happening.

[Opinion Owner]

@Asker

No other household runs like yours. And I have worked in many homes as an Home health aide and a home care nurse. This is not normal.

You are an OCD neat freak who is arrogant, and loves justifying your obsessive neat freak tendencies

Kids are expected to obey their parents (if they're good kids), no matter how terrible, nasty their parent is

Your wife is standing up to you because she had a taste of being raised in a normal household without a nest freak king who demands authority.

I'm telling you, this is not the way a normal household kitchen is run. Plenty of other households don't have these insane rules and they have been able to work out fine. You need to really question why other households can operate fine without these rules but yet yours can't.

[Asker]

nearly everyone on here seems to disagree with you. nearly every person (who didn't just say nasty stuff about my wife) seem to agree that organization in a kitchen is not an abnormal expectation.

[Opinion Owner]

@Asker

People on here aren't agreeing with you.

Most of them don't comprehend your question like I do.

You aren't referring to your wife putting things back where they belong. You are expecting her to organize things according to how you like it. Like from order of most commonly used to least used. This is unreasonable

In most households, Spoons in one section of the drawer Forks in another section of the drawer. All strainers should be in a bucket. All big knives should be in one section of the cabinet. All smaller knives should be put in a separate place. All fruit should be in one section of the fridge.

Its really not hard. Every household runs this way.

But if you are expecting your wife to put all your knives in order from most commonly used to least used, then you are being too OCD of a neat freak.

[Opinion Owner]

From what it sounds like, your wife probably has a hard time putting things back in the specific order that you want cuz you have very specific insane rules about the order of which utensil or instrument should go.

The fact your kids have to walk around in tip toes in your kitchen constantly asking where things go... shows that your kitchen organization is way too complicated for them. I have never walked into a household where kids constantly need to ask where things belong. They just know where things belong

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Yeah, this isn’t about dishes if she’s getting mad about that as much as you are. You both have deeper issues that need addressing

[Asker]

i think this is a good insight. we've been dealing with a lot of strife. we are trying to work on it but it has been full of stops and starts. sort of the 1-step forward , 2-steps back notion

this particular issue has been ongoing in our relationship. i really thought about how to approach and thought a long time how to best approach it. i kind of expected her reaction but i'd hoped that as we have been committed to working on issues that a gentle and respectful approach would result in a healthy convo rather than an argument

thanks again

[Staximus]

Things are usually put away in the same spot in any kitchen. In a restaurant kitchen it's mandatory. If the chef is in a hurry and has to look around for something and finds it in a different place more than one time, the person responsible is probably getting fired for stupidity. Only an idiot would put stuff away in a different place every time.

[jshm2]

She's right, you're being OCD in how things are being put away.

You both have different ideals on the matter, so little point arguing. Instead. you're best to stop and shout when you can't find something, instead of wasting those minutes trying to find it.

She'll eventually come round.

[Asker]

we've been married for 10 years. she hasn't come around to putting things away in an organized fashion yet with the current model of me having to ask her where x, y, z is

[thegreenyogi]

Question 1= No
Question 2= Yes
Question 3= No

I do understand you. My father was a chef and I have inherited his talent and I know what it's like to want things to be done in a certain order or way.

[exitseven]

it sounds pretty reasonable to me but maybe you should have said that she works hard enough and you would like to empty the dishwasher for her from now on.

[OneViewpoint]

No, I get the frustration of being around a person who is disorganized. Why does she care if you're doing all the cooking and putting away?

[Abbycado]

If you are the one taking care of the items as well as using them the most, you should have things where you want them.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Haha is a man "right" in a woman's eyes.

Good one

[MrChinaski]

It sounds like this is the tip of your controlling iceberg. Am I wrong?

[Asker]

I don't think so. we've been married for 14 years. i don't know that implement "control" over any other element of our life aside from grocery shopping

[MrChinaski]

Fair. It was worth asking.

[RavVid]

She is just a lazy arse who believes chaos. Entirely unreasonable on her part.

You were right to point out she is wrong

[LC75LC71]

Lol You are totally the woman in your relationship. Do you end up saying Fine. a lot? My rule has always been I cook, you do the dishes and vice versa. Gotta compromise..

[Asker]

i'm the woman cause i ask her to put things away in an organized manner and if she won't let me put things away in an organized manner?

[LC75LC71]

Listen, you can't ask me why I said you're the woman by inserting another question of your own. Let's be honest. You made all this up.

[Asker]

"Listen, you can't ask me why I said you're the woman by inserting another question of your own."
huh? why not?

this is 100% true. why the hell would i waste time making up such a banal scenario of domestic conflict?

[LC75LC71]

Sheer boredom.

[Anonymous]

Ya
I'm bad but you're worse 🙂🙂🙂
You like to cook
Enjoy it
But don't be a pain in the &_$#

[Anonymous]

She doesn't respect you. Its common when you do virtually everything for a woman she treats you like her father.

[Asker]

how is she treating me like her father by putting things away

[Opinion Owner]

Imagine she is a little girl and you are her father doing everything for her. Who pays the rent and pays the bills?

[Mike_Hum]

She sounds like a bitch.

[In_Trance]

You're wrong