Could you date someone who hates going out and seems self-loathing?

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I've known him since I was a kid 😂 I can't help it that I love brobro. But I really want him to find a good girl.

[bobalife]

I probably can't date someone like that since it's the complete opposite of who I am Lol. I think it's great you are looking out in the best interest for your friend :) It does sound like your friend may need to take sometime to heal, build his self-esteem/confidence, and lead a happier lifestyle because of the "self-loathing" aspect though. I'm not sure if he's in the right place or find the right reasons to look for relationships if he really self-loathe. It can be going into filling a void, temporary happiness, validation, avoiding the bigger issue that needs to be resolve, and so forth. Then again, love usually finds you when you least expect it. There's truly no right or wrong time when it does occur. I've known people who are happily together despite situations may not be "perfect" but they still needed to work on their own personal growth while being in those relationships. We're all our own working progress. I hope he figures himself out and find what he needs :)

There are girls who are more homebody or are not as into going out, so it will be a compatibility factor to find someone similar to him.

[HollyK21]

When you mention going out, are you talking about clubs and bars? Or just being out in public in general? Because one will attract a broader range of women than the other. Most of us are totally fine with men letting the nightlife scene go, I actually think that comes with finding a solid relationship, because you no longer need to be in those spaces where it’s usually single people on the hunt. If you’re talking about generally going out, then that would be a problem but only for women who aren’t also hermits and/or homebodies.


When it comes to self loathing, I think that’s something he should deal with before getting into a relationship. If he’s a downer, deals with depression and low self esteem, then he’s not the best version of himself and the best should be the only version he should wanna bring to the table. A clean slate, no baggage no drama. I’m sure he wouldn’t want any of that in return, so he should exercise having the same expectations of himself.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

He's a nerdy guy who trains in a ufc gym, has enough testosterone for 3 dudes and is a mommas boy in a good way.

I agree on the surface. Been helping him with a lot of those issues but I see people who are way less principaled, wind up with someone.

I don't know how to help him find hermit girls haha. I feel like he would really benefit from getting an account on here but he's like "no social media" and I have no idea how to respond to that 😂

[HollyK21]

It’s important to keep in mind that just because someone’s in a relationship doesn’t mean they should be. That’s how we get toxic relationships, because one or both people prioritized being with someone over sorting out their shit first. There’s even some people who just can’t help being male or female-centered, they don’t know how to be alone, think they can’t be alone, they think time’s running out, all sorts of shit.

It sounds like he’d be best suited finding a girl who’s a homebody vs a hermit, because the first one still maintains some sort of social life while the other desires total isolation, which I doubt you’d want for him lol. I’m not a big fan of dating apps, but that’s always an option if he’s like never in a position to meet women because he never goes out. That’s assuming he hasn’t tried one already. I know those are pretty hit or miss and sometimes more trouble than they’re worth.

If he’s not interested in an app, then patience will have to be his virtue. I feel like as a society we put a lot of pressure on ourselves and others because we’ve been conditioned to believe that marriage and babies are like the biggest milestones to hit and those things are what give us the most purpose. In my belief, relationships should just be extensions of an already fulfilling life. There’s more that gives us purpose, whether it’s a great job, travel, time with family, etc. In this day and age, gaming is what gives people purpose, because now it leads to other avenues/opportunities and it’s not the same nerdy pass time as it used to be. Same goes for live streaming, vlogging, social media, etc. We’ve got a whole new set of rules. So if your friend is at least moderately content in life, tell him to focus on that and the girlfriend will eventually come. If he struggles mentally, then he should use this time as a single person to prioritize his betterment. That way when the right one does come along, he’s ready and not this dude looking for a woman to fill the void.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Great words. He definitely wants a social life more than he likes to admit. I don't think he should go on here to date, I think he should go on here to help calibrate his social compass.

He's pretty decent at talking to girls now. But he's just losing faith in humanity so bad. He had a bad breakup and I told him maybe it's time to just... You know, slay for a bit. Which he does and then he meets up with me freaking out that he started treating this girl the wrong way and he's all disgusted with "women" and I'm trying to explain to him thats a certain type of woman lol and he tells me he told her "don't you get it? I'm being an asshole, you shouldn't want to be with me, I'm treating you like shit"

One part of me, my heat rt is breaking for him. But the other half of me can't get over the irony. Thanks for caring. I think I'm gonna try to get him on here in a few days

[HollyK21]

If you’re able to get him onto this app, please feel free to direct him to this conversation. I wouldn’t mind talking to him at all, especially when it comes to how he’s chosen to go about dating. Realistically, there’s just no good reason to treat a brand new woman, who’s done nothing to him, like shit. Let alone verbally acknowledging his poor treatment of her and making sure she feels the sting. That’s him carrying baggage from his previous relationships, and making someone else pay for it when that isn’t fair. If he’s got a chip on his shoulder, then he should really focus on being single so he can sort that out. If I were you, I’d be asking why being with a woman is taking priority over his mental health. I’d ask whether or not he sees his behavior as problematic, and if so then why is he not addressing it.

By a certain age, I think we all have one or even several bad dating/relationship experiences under our belts. We’ve got childhood traumas, present time grievances, and all of these things contribute to shaping both who we are now and who we will be going forward. I’ll always advocate for addressing and healing those things, because it isn’t cool to negatively impact someone on purpose, or cause them distress.

Your friend sounds troubled, maybe not even just from this past breakup but potentially other experiences in the past. He didn’t just become who he is over night, it took time, and it took impactful situations. He should really consider addressing all that, first and foremost. I think most of us ultimately want good relationships, nothing toxic and jam packed with drama. It’s exhausting and for someone like him, would only contribute to his poor views on women and humanity in general. I personally would rather avoid all that, and people like him should want to as well.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

A lot of what you're saying is right. He just needs social interactions that will teach him... Boundaries and stuff. He and I have similar minds and the truth is I could have very easily ended up like him. I'll probably hide this convo but I'll lyk who he is I'd he does

[HollyK21]

That’s totally fine, feel free to either tag me in another if it happens, or I’m sure I will just see it lol. Agreed, it’s easy to wind up having the state of mind that he does, it’s become so normalized to navigate dating that way. It’s like everyone’s scared, overly cautious and guarded. It could become a bit self sabotaging though, because in an effort to safeguard yourself, you end up either pushing the person away or in a worse mental state than when you started, because an encounter was more troubling than it ever needed to be in the first place.

Your friend sounds like he’s got some unpacking to do, and while social interactions could really lend a hand, he could use someone like a therapist to give him the right tools to help along the way. Sometimes when we only have our friends/peers as sounding boards or as our main sources of advice, it can become sort of like the blind leading the blind lol. Mainly because we are usually either the same age or in the same range as our friends, so we are going through a lot of similar experiences and bouncing our thoughts off of each other.

Unless one has had a successful relationship (and by that I mean healthy, not just long term or anything like that because even those aren’t exempt of toxicity), then they won’t have the best advice either. It’s like if we both enjoy going to the casino, unless I know the trick to win big because I’ve done so in the past, then I couldn’t really give my friend to tools to do so, if that makes sense.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you untangle messy hearts and confusing situations… and this one’s kinda cute 🥰

Yes, someone who hates going out can still be boyfriend material. That’s just introvert vibes. But deep self-loathing is a red flag if he refuses to work on it. He deserves a girl who’s patient, affirming, and doesn’t try to “fix” him, just supports his growth.

And you “love brobro,” huh? Careful, that’s how people accidentally fall in love with their long-time friend 😏💕

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Nah, that’s a man who thinks he needs a woman to make him better and I am not playing emotional nursemaid to a man child

[Telekinetic-Potato]

Why would you date someone who doesn't make you better?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Why would I date someone who needs me to do all the emotional labor?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

He sees it as an upgrade, I see it as a boulder next to a relentless river on the edge of the riverbank asking me if it can chain itself to my ankle. Sure, it’s not falling in right now, but soon enough it will, and it will try to take me with it

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I meant generally. That's my bad I actually don't think anything you said is unreasonable.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Generally, I prefer not to date someone for what they can turn me into, but rather who they are already and what about that makes my life better.

[LazerBean]

Absolutely not. Sounds like a setup for a sad life for both people, to be honest 😬

[queenofcardio]

No, I would prefer not to.

[Anonymous]

Sounds a bit like me.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

You're not alone friend.

[Opinion Owner]

I see, we should form a union :P

[Telekinetic-Potato]

You could be the third member of the Society Of Loose Screws (SOLC)
It's pretty prestigious right @bobalife