What should I do when my wife asks for help, then does it herself?

[AviatorTom]

This is something my wife often does, and it drives me nuts.

Here's an example from last night...

After dinner, she asked me to wash the pots and pans. I went to get a towel, which took all of 30 seconds. When I got back, she was already washing the pots and pans.

Here's another example from a few weeks ago...

She created a pile of weeds and clippings while tending to her garden, and asked me to pick them up and put them in the refuse bag, as I was leaving to walk our dog. I said I would do that as soon as I finished taking our dog for a walk. When I got back 20 minutes later, she had done it herself.

So what should I do when she does that?

It's frustrating. I want to help but she doesn't let me.

[ohsheeT]

Well sometimes like this moment I ask my self to do some thing and the more I tell myself to get up and go do it the more questions I answer on here

I'm finding that my phone could really Hold Me Back sometimes

So what I'm thinking is that when I tell myself to get up and do something I say yes sir and no matter what it is that I'm doing at that moment I need to get up and go do it otherwise it might be 8:00 at night before I even make my breakfast there's just something wrong with that

So she's just trying to make a point that's all I think probably every single one of us on here procrastinates a little bit too much at least I know I do and I have to force myself sometimes but I have to do it and if I don't do it it holds me back and every other way especially when I have to be some place at a certain time I have to be there because that's part of my job so thank God for that because that does make me keep going forward instead of holding myself back

[Tarifa]

It looks like's she's trying to make you feel guilty for not helping out. Maybe it's a pattern, I don't know.

I face the same situations, where she asks for something and is already doing it. Or starts a phrase and then, midway, says : never mind.

Last week, I told her I would take out the garbage. I gathered everything I could find in the kitchen and both bathrooms. When I came back from my duties, she told me I had forgotten a paper bread bag that slipped behind the garbage bin.

Welcome to the harsch world of co-existence. LOL

[Tarifa]

Thanks for the MHO.

[sage2021]

It sounds like perhaps through the years that when she has asked you to do something, you got sidetracked too many times and she just started doing things herself because she knows what you do when she asks you to do something for her.

She sounds like she's also very impatient with you. And she might have a case of get it done itis! Meaning right now.

To her, when she asked you to pick up the mess in her garden, in her minds eye it probably wouldn't have taken you very long to do. But you did get sidetracked and decided to walk the dog instead of just doing what she asked of you and I can see her frustration because she just wanted it done and over with.

My Mom used to say "If you want something done right, do it yourself."

[AviatorTom]

@sage2021 Thanks for your sage advice. My wife does follow you Mom's advice... Too often, if you ask me.

[sage2021]

Thank you for the MHO 🙂🧡

[AmandaYVR]

Yikes. I skimmed some of the responses here. Wow.

This is puzzling behaviour to me. I don't understand her. Perhaps she's impatient, or testing you, or worse, holding a grudge.

I can understand it's frustrating. If she's this impatient, there's not much you can do about it. You behaved reasonably in my opinion. It's [unfortunately?] her issue. I think you are, in Reddit terms, NTA.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you decode relationship patterns so you don’t lose your mind or your marriage, preferably both 😏

She’s not rejecting your help, she’s anxious about tasks not being done instantly. That’s a control thing, not a “you’re lazy” thing. Next time, calmly say: “If you want me to do it, let me do it my way and on my timing.” Then follow through. Consistency from you, boundaries on her side. That pattern is a mild red flag for perfectionism, not lack of love.

[MzAsh]

Get in there before she does. Don’t let her work laps around you

[OlderAndWiser]

Sounds like a matter of control. She lets you know that she needs help and then does it herself, telling you - by her actions - that you don't take care of her.

[Summeroflove]

Well obviously you’re not faithful based on your history here. So maybe do her a favor and divorce her

[Telekinetic-Potato]

She wants you do do it before she starts doing it. You know how you start a new job and your boss tells you to do something and you do it right away? You try to anticipate things before anyone else?

And then over time, you get trusted to do things as they need to be done. Like if somethings taking a little longer, there's that unspoken "he knows what he's doing, it will get done before it's a problem"

Women don't ask before it's a problem. By the time they ask they're already confused why it's not done already. They think they're being polite. Or considerate or something.

[1WildBeatlejuice]

Pat her on the back and say good job I was going to help but I see you took care of it and be glad you didn’t have to wash the dishes sounds like a strong woman be proud and don’t take her for granted my wife was like that before she died she told one of my bosses “ shouldn’t you be in a fixing nursing home after he tried to tell her she should be home barefoot and cooking 🤣😂 those types will stand up for you and not be scared to tell someone where to go when someone tries to say something bad about you yes pat her on the back give her praise for it

[NathanDavis]

you said "she was washing the dishes"

did not say "she finished washing the dishes"

so, if you really WANTED TO HELP, you would have finished washing the dishes and therefore helping her with that

but... you didn't, and this is probably a thing that has happened many times before, you will keep saying that you want to help and you want to do things, but then you don't really help and then you really won't do it, you take off and come back later... so that's probably her, frustrated with you in the first place

my older brother was exactly like that... lmfao, he said he would help but never really do it, without you having to ask him many times just for him to reply "relax dude... I said I would help"

[NathanDavis]

also... there were many times, in which my mother was in a terrible mood, stressed and worried AF, or someone out there was in trouble and she could not do much about it, but she still had to do the chores... sometimes, sad, other times tired, or angry... I could always tell because of her silence and the radio not being on...

so I just knew that before she gets frustrated, way more upset and something explodes like " FOUR MEN!!! IN THIS HOUSE AND WHAT FOR!!, NONE OF YOU!!"

I would just get in there and take over, I would not ask, I would not tell... no arguing, I would just gear up and do it myself, and she would always be like NO NO NO!! I GOT IT... I would still just do it, and finish it, get things done and then she would just walk out, go sit at the window or a corner and pout... in peace while her wishes of her just rippin' someone's head off just faded, eventually...

[Friendlybro79]

When someone does this to me I call it out nicely. Have you asked her directly. Why aren't you letting me do what you asked? I said I would. Please give me a min to get to a request you have of me.

I think she wants to not have to ask you and for you just know what is supposed to be done without having to be told, and I personally think you have to find the right way to say stop it.

Hopefully she's easy to talk to. I think you obviously know your wife better than anyone here so my advice could be awful if it doesn't vibe with her personality.

[VioletHaze]

She sounds stressed. And these might be tasks that come before other tasks. So if you don't do them in time, she can't continue her work. Did you try to ask her? And also, if you can, try to notice before she asks. So if she is working in the yard, go "I'm going to walk the dog, do you need anything before I go?"

The towel situation sounds rough though. Playfully push her out of the way haha. If you catch her in the middle of doing something she asked you to, take over. She said she wanted help, so you'll help.

And you should probably bring this up in a gentle way.

[RRT_7511]

Sounds like she wants it to be done immediately and can’t really handle looking at messes that long. She probably finished whatever she just asked you to do because she could just do it herself and get it done quick. Me and my partner also has this kind of pattern and it all comes down to just wanting it to be done and out of the way quickly. For me what helps is i would just do it before she even ask. And for my part on doing things myself after i just asked my partner to do it: i can’t really help it. You took your dog out for a walk tho so that’s something, right?

[OneViewpoint]

Keep your mouth shut. You have her well trained. If she needs to feel superior, LET HER. Don't cave to her passive aggressive control tactics like some needy puppy. Do it on your own time line. Or let her keep making stupid gestures to guilt you into being her slave. Smile and say see, you didn't need my help. Good girl.

[midnightmoon05]

Is she upset about it?

Changes are always hard… communication is key… how?

“honey, is there anything you need now?” If not, I’ll walk the dog and be back in 20 minutes.

“I’ll do the pots and pans in a minute, just need to get…”

[RavVid]

You are not on your pat malone.

It just seems to be a female vice that they want you to immediately do what they are asking. WITHOUT NOTICE and irrespective of the non-urgency of the task.

I've had chats about this and whilst they might agree that is OK to do it in 15 mins when I finished my current task but their immediacy never changes.

A work colleague maintains you have to get in first e. g I will do that in 15 mins rather than say sure without a time frame.

[Shiprex]

It's something women often bring on themselves and adds to the "emotional labour " com0laints that get tagged as weaponised incompetence because you didn't do it when and how she wanted.

Be prepared for this tp he brought back to you

[Staximus]

She can pick up her own weeds, she pulled them out. You’re not her fucking butler, you don’t have to jump when she asks you to do something. You can’t give in to this type of behavior or you’ll be miserable. If she wants to be stupid then let her, but make sure she knows you don’t jump at her command.

[CriminallyInsane]

She means NOW when she asks lol. Drop what you're doing immediately Tom...

[AviatorTom]

@criminallyinsane Her NOW is too short. I've done what you suggest, and just the time it takes for me to walk across the room... Too long, she's doing it herself.

[CriminallyInsane]

Yeah, she sounds like asking at all is her passive aggressive way of telling you that you should already have done this stuff before she even mentioned it, whether it was humanly possible or not

[KostasKouvalis]

My mom is the same and my crush's mom is the same, so it must be most women

[Xawyx-2]

Well, you can just ask her if she still needs help, maybe in some other activity...

[AviatorTom]

@Xawyx-2 That would normally be a good suggestion, but she's the told me many times, "If I want your help, I'll ask for it." One of her favorite sayings, especially when cooking... "Nobody does it like I do."

[Xawyx-2]

Ah, cool, she can compete in the MasterChef ;)

[ArrowheadSW]

Hummm... I've never experienced this in past relationships. Maybe she wants it done on the spot? I hope she doesn't act mad at you.

[Nikki1989]

Don't be a slowpoke. Get the job done when asked.

[KostasKouvalis]

Nothing. If she's impatient just let her do it herself. Why are you still married to her? You guys have too many problems

[Anonymous]

Just watch. Enjoy yourself. Just because she does it herself doesn't mean she's not attracted to you sexually

[exitseven]

I usually drop what I am doing and do what she wants. If I do not then I usually forget.

[MrChinaski]

Shrug. And enjoy the free service provision.

[whosnumber_1]

Sit back, crack a beer and enjoy the ride.

Don't sweat the small stuff brother.

[Anonymous]

Ask her for sex. And while she's in bathroom making herself look and smell good, rub one out. When she gets out of the bathroom tell her, n/m you took care of it.😆

[Anonymous]

Do you think she's being passive aggressive and sending a subtle message that she thinks you're not doing the thing quickly enough?

[Honeyateleven]

Maybe you shouldn't be distracted and keep up with her plans.. do it at the moment

[Bklynbadboy12]

All you have to do id let her

[AviatorTom]

@bklynbadboy12 I do that. Not much of a choice.

[msc545]

Next time she asks for help, ignore her.

[Jeff51]

Nothing.

[Tungi]

Ignore her