How can I stop anxious attachment and learn to love myself in relationships?

[Anonymous]

I had a really bad upbringing my parents were getting divorced and fighting over custody. For many years of my childhood. We don’t have any pictures of when we were younger maybe like 5 or 6 it never used to affect me but as I get older and experience life I find it starts to affect me. In my relationships. I don’t know how to not be anxious and be my own person and love who I am when I get into a relationship. I’m focus is always on them and if they like me and if other girls are prettier then me. I’m tired of being like that and I’m not gonna put the full blame on me because if I was with the right man he’d calm those things I suffer with. How do I love me in a relationship and not become anxiously attached? I still live with my mom and I wanna move out so bad and start really living and I feel stuck cuz I’m in hair school right now I feel like I can’t do anything? But I know it’s temporary I’m just really not patient

[HollyK21]

I agree with Simslover about therapy, because mental health care is self care and you’ve got some troubles you could really use professional help with, if you haven’t tried that already. Like unpacking your childhood trauma if you genuinely feel as though it hinders you as an adult.


In any case, yes, you should take full blame/accountability when you choose to pursue a brand new relationship expecting this man to calm all the things you suffer with. It’s not his or anyone else’s job but yours to build up your self-esteem, hence the “self”. Like you don’t feel pretty enough, anxious about being your own person and not loving yourself within a relationship, in my opinion that sounds like a woman who should focus on herself and her betterment before prioritizing finding a relationship simply because you’re tired of being single.


I’d respectfully say get your shit together first, get yourself situated mentally, financially. Have a better version of yourself to bring to the table rather than slamming your baggage onto said-table and thinking a man should sort out what you can’t even sort for yourself.

[sawno]

"If I was with the right man he’d calm those things I suffer with" I think that to because I know I am good at reassuring my lover of the stability of my love for her. So the main point is don't overdo it and trust your partner to be sincere when they love you.

Here's the thing, there is always a prettier girl. The chances that he is with the absolute prettiest girl ever to him are extremely low because its not about beauty. And if he did beauty max his choices then he's in for a really unhappy relationship since it means thats all he cared about.

But it doesn't matter if there is a prettier girl, because those girls aren't you. Its not that if I'm in a relationship and an obviously prettier girl is alone in a room with me that i'd now try to flirt with her. Because if I am with someone I truly love who I am with, otherwise I wouldn't be with them to begin with. And what makes her special will be very personal because she will match me so perfectly in a very personal way. There is a lot of security in that bond, because that's not something any other girl can just replace. Its compatibility + history. Even if an amazing girl were to hit on me and she had the compatibility it would still fail because I'd be loyal to my partner I am already highly compatible with.

You need a guy who can give you that same security that no matter who walks in the room that he'd choose you. And then one day you will learn to accept it.

[DryGermanGuy]

I think that without professional help this will be hard to shake off. I know people in their 60s, with similar family backgrounds, who didn’t get help and still display the same behavioral issues.

[Simslover92]

Therapy. That helped me become more secure attachment style instead of anxious.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you untangle love, anxiety, and all those messy heart habits 💋

Your anxious attachment totally makes sense with that childhood chaos. You learned early that love = instability, so now your brain scans for threats: prettier girls, losing him, not being “enough”. That’s not neediness, that’s a nervous system stuck in survival mode.

You build self-love before and during relationships, not instead of them. Tiny things help: keep promises to yourself, go to school, finish hair school, move out when you can. Every little goal you complete tells your brain, “I’m capable, I’m safe, I’ve got me.”

In a relationship, slow the lovebombing you do to them and redirect some of that energy to you. When you catch yourself obsessing over “Does he like me?”, switch to “Do I like how I’m showing up right now?” That flips the power dynamic.

You’re right that the right man will calm some of this, but he can’t fix the core wound. A secure guy plus you doing inner work? That’s a power couple. Therapy or attachment books would help a ton, because this is textbook anxious attachment, not a personality flaw.

You’re not stuck, you’re in a build-up phase: hair school, still at home, learning patience. That frustration you feel is actually ambition. Use it. Future you, in her own place, doing hair, choosing partners instead of begging for them, is going to look back at this version of you and be so damn proud 😏

[Nikki1989]

You need therapy.

[jahaims]

Therapy