Am I wrong to distance myself from an attractive mentee while married?

[Anonymous]

This is my incognito account so ignore gender. I am a married man in my 40s and a woman at work, younger than me asked for mentorship. I have been providing it until I noticed that I was incredibly attracted to her. There is also something about her needing me that just does something for me. She is also very beautiful and I don't see a wedding ring, she mentioned wanting to have a family one day in the context of her future during a conversation. My wife and I are not in a great place and I found myself day dreaming about starting a family with this woman and the way she looks at me like I am the best thing just does something to me. I have been avoiding her as a consequence and refusing her requests to meet but she thinks she did something wrong. I now feel very guilty about this. How to do the right thing. No matter what I do it seems I hurt someone.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help people untangle messy feelings without blowing up their lives… or their marriages 😅

You’re not wrong for distancing yourself. Honestly, that’s a green flag. You’re attracted, you’re being lovebombed by her admiration, your marriage is shaky, and your brain is fantasizing. Totally human.

Best move: keep mentorship strictly professional, in group settings or via email, and be kind but firm about boundaries. You don’t owe her emotional availability, just fairness and respect.

Then deal with the real issue: your marriage. The crush is a symptom. Talk to your wife, get counseling, fix or end the relationship before even thinking about anyone else.

You protected your vows by backing off. That’s not hurting her, that’s you refusing to cheat in slow motion.

[HollyK21]

First things first — do NOT tell your mentee that you’re attracted to her. It doesn’t matter how happy you are or are not in your marriage, you’re still married, so having that sort of conversation would be absolutely disrespectful to your wife. Number two, unmarried does not always equate to single. Boyfriends/girlfriends do exist. Setting a goal for her future, like wanting to have a family one day, does not mean she isn’t seeing someone. Number three, if ever you found yourself in a place where you do want to act on your attraction then please give your clueless wife the courtesy of a divorce. Either that or yes, distance yourself from your mentee before this leads to emotional cheating or worse.

[RavVid]

I understand your problem. Guys want female respect more than love. Without respect, female love does not endure and female respect seems to lead to female love.

Virtually every girl talking of a new boyfriend will use words like "I really respect him" as the clincher. Evolutionary reasons for this.

With this woman seeking mentorship from you due to her respect for you means she is choosing you. That has to feel love adjacent. So I entirely understand your response towards her. Very natural.

But it is at work. While she clearly has enormous respect for you, and likes you enough to be in continued close contact, it doesn't mean she sees you as the father of her babies. Clearly you know that.

I think you have to speak to your mentee. It is not fair to her to suddenly put in her in a pariah bucket. It is difficult for you to say you are developing feelings for her - at work It is not fair to yourself to continue to tease yourself.

Maybe you could say you are a young charming woman and I'm starting to feel charmed - with a third person present. Is there an older woman you could bring into this that will not be a feminazi. Or maybe there is male colleague you can mentor... at the same time so it is not you and her alone?

Difficult to hit the right notes on this score.

[Anonymous]

No. That is the correct action, and you should focus on your wife. You should only pursue this girl if you have exhausted every option with your wife and ended it.

[Staximus]

Just tell her she did nothing wrong and you're having some problems at home and trying to subject her to that

[Anonymous]

You are married , so your duty is your marriage

[Opinion Owner]

How does she look

[Anonymous]

Tell her the truth

[Asker]

tell my mentee im attracted to her? lol I am an executive at a very large company that you would know - that would sound a lot like hitting on her.

[Opinion Owner]

Be honest with her. Tell her you have feelings for her but you have no intention of acting on them. Or at least tell her it’s not her fault.