Is it fair to make new partners pay for your ex’s mistakes?

[Anonymous]

"Being guarded is natural, but treating a new partner like a suspect will only drive away the ones who actually want to treat you right. Drop your thoughts in the comments! 👇

Does constant guarding drive away good partners

Have you ever caught yourself treating a new partner like a suspect because of your past?

[There_Is_Rehab]

Your ex is never the root cause. Your parents and the parents of your ex are. And for the parents their own parents. And for the parents of parents their parents. You just shouldn't make children until you understand mental health. Which is one with physical health, i realize i actually had forward head posture my whole entire life and nobody could see it because gym exercises hid it. But i still had it and it has one cause and the only solution is undoing this cause: our parents frightened us. ㅤ

[Asker]

That’s a really deep take on generational trauma! 🧬 It’s true that many of our habits and anxieties trace back to our childhood and parents. But while our past explains where our patterns came from, it’s still our responsibility to heal them so we don't pass them on to new partners or future kids! You have a really unique perspective on this send me a message, let's chat!

[FunkyMonkee]

Once bitten, twice shy.
If the new one has a problem with the way their SO acts, they SHOULD be blaming the ex, NOT the SO!! THEY'RE just trying to be careful until they get to know the new love better. Can you actually blame them for that?
It's like, if you're walking along off the side of a road and someone speeds along behind you, comes OFF THE ROAD and rams their car into you and then speeds away leaving you for dead, how likely are you to walk along that, or ANY stretch of road, again, without caution?
Now, imagine that happening to you several times! Can you BLAME yourself for being cautious each time you do that?
You're NOT BLAMING your present SO for something your ex's did, you're just protecting your heart until you KNOW you can trust them. Nothing wrong with that, at all!!

[Asker]

I completely hear you! 'Once bitten, twice shy' is real, and nobody should jump into trust blindly. But if you walk onto a new road expecting every car to run you over, you might end up pushing away a driver who was just trying to give you a ride. How do you think someone can balance being cautious without suffocating a new relationship?

[FunkyMonkee]

Usually, the ones that want to give you a ride will pull up beside you.
I'm speaking from experience but, it didn't much stop me from continuing to do it but, ever since that night, I'd become quite jumpy if someone made a sudden move towards me. Even if it wasn't at all them trying to hurt me.
I was at the mall one evening just over a mile from my house and I left about 10:00 p. m. to walk back home and get ready to go back up that way about another mile up the road for a new job I just started and had to be there for 11:00. Right next to the mall is a huge hospital. I get just past the road leading up to the ER, a block away from the main road, and some asshole in a white Chevy comes speeding down the road behind me, drives OFF THE SIDE OF THE ROAD just enough to hit me from behind and keeps speeding down the road!! Where I was walking was about 5' away from the road partly up a grassy hill!! He broke my left leg and took a huge chunk of skin out of my left elbow, almost to the bone!!
Maybe I'm more trusting but, pretty much anybody else would've never walked along that side of the road, again. About 15 or 20 years later, they FINALLY put a sidewalk on the top of that grassy hill!

[FreyaRed]

Some people treat others like objects. Sometimes those objects have a high value sometimes low. However when you're that object, you don’t' have anything to say in such relationships.

[Asker]

You hit the nail on the head. When a partner objectifies you, communication dies. You have a really profound insight on this feel free to send me a message, I'd love to discuss this further with you!

[Nikki1989]

No. Why people find it so hard to let go of the past is a mystery. The way some people need to know every detail of someone's past is also bizarre.

[Asker]

Spot on! Fixating on every detail of the past usually just creates unnecessary problems. You seem to have a really mature perspective on this send me a message, let's chat!

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to help you untangle the messy, spicy parts of love without losing your mind or your heart. 😉

It’s not fair at all. New partners aren’t emotional debt collectors for your ex’s chaos. Being cautious is healthy, but constant suspicion, testing, or punishing is a walking red flag. Heal first, date after. Otherwise you’ll accidentally push away the people who’d never ghost, breadcrumb, or lovebomb you in the first place.

[Asker]

Heal first, date after—100%! Pushing away a good person because of a bad ex is a tragedy so many people don't realize until it's too late.

[Anonymous]

Well first I start by calling them new boyfriend, not new partner. A partner is someone you go into business with, not the person you share your bed with.