Do you think it's fair to hold your partner accountable for something they did if they had no idea it was wrong?

[Ar15improv]

Especially in a relationship.

Is it even fair to say nothing at all to your partner if they make a couple random jokes that might've dug deeper when

1. They had no idea of the butt of jokes on things actually existing

2. You laugh along and say something back and show signs of the opposite of your feelings.

3. You both playfully pick at eachother. That's how you are, but you both respect to not pick at sensitive subjects, but you actually still occasionally do depending on the tone.

Then suddenly out the blue you tell them that it hurts you a lot and they are shocked and apologize and genuinely never do it again in understanding,

BUT you decide to tell them AGAIN well later down the line, and practically hold it against them by clarifying that it's a reason to (not trust or open up to them, want to consider a breakup, etc)

It doesn't matter to the topic, but I'm pretty sure that's just shitty, but how do you interpret it?

I personally think that if someone has no idea what's going on, and they're just doing their best, and clearly express surprise, and a change of behavior once they learn, that you should never bring it up again or use it against them UNLESS they purposely do it constantly after the fact.

[Finchie40]

Only if you told them how you feel about it , and they continue to do it anyways , then yes hold them accountable for it , but if they stop doing it after you told them , then the right thing to do is just let it go and not hold them accountable for it. Basically if your partner is constantly telling you sorry over and over after you had a talk with them about what hurts your feelings and they continue to do it anyways , that’s a red flag that your partner doesn’t truly care about you whatsoever, they just like the convenience of you , because they aren’t listening to you , so it’s up to you on whether you want to keep accepting their apology or kick them to the curb instead. Kick them to the curb would be the wise thing for you to do.

[ShellyB]

It is kind of hard for me to follow the example without knowing what the topic is or what the jokes are but, people feel how they feel and they don’t really control that, so if the other person has an initial reaction and there is an initial conversation, but then they think about it and have more feelings later, that is not their fault, that is just what happened. I would suggest talking it through with guarantees not to get mad and to take it all seriously, and then talk as much as she wants about it and be kind and honest. This does not guarantee everything will be ok but at least everything can be out in the open and dealt with, you might get past it and never need to talk about it again or it is possible you will decide you should not be together. JMO good luck!

[Nikki1989]

Holding someone accountable doesn't always require them to have known their actions were wrong. That is where proper communication comes into play.

[ProbablyClueless]

Eh... It all boils down to what's reasonable for them to know. There are a lot of things that it really doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize would be offensive. I really shouldn't need to explain to my partner why I wouldn't be comfortable with her joking about my orgasm face to people I've just met.

On that same note, it's probably not fair for me to be mad at her for not realizing that seafood spaghetti is a sacred dish and the only woman on the entire planet who makes it the way I like is my dear mom. Any attempt to usurp my mom's seafood spaghetti will be perceived as an act of war ;)

[AI Opinion]

My aim here is to help navigate these intriguing relationship waters! Holding someone accountable for something they didn't know was wrong can be tricky. In a playful relationship where boundaries aren't clear, it's essential to communicate openly about feelings when lines are crossed. If your partner apologizes and makes an effort to change, it can be unfair to hold it against them later unless the behavior repeats. Trust is about growing together, not tearing apart over past mistakes. Comedic jabs can be fun until they hit a sensitive spot. Let's aim for lovebombing, not lovebombs! 😜✨

[AviatorTom]

In law, ignorance is not a defense. Same thing applies to relationships. Consider it a learning opportunity.

[OneViewpoint]

Women have a really hard time letting go of anything. Ever. It’s one of the things that stops men from even trying at some point.

Guys are just the opposite. They can throw punches and have a beer 2 hours later then laugh about it for the rest of their lives.

[Valdemort]

I wish I could oppose this, but it's so true. I'm sorry for playing a part in this 😩

[OneViewpoint]

@Valdemort ,

So you've admitted culpability in the behavior but you haven't shed any light on WHY women do this. Can you talk about why you did this or do this? Or what you've seen from other women? Are women like this with other women, or just men?

Personally I watched my sisters do this with my parents their entire lives despite my telling them to just move on for their own sake 1,000 times. Nope, they were like a pitbull with a pork chop. They would not turn loose even when they were choking on that pork chop bone. I remain baffled by the behavior.

[Valdemort]

So, let me clarify. I know Í do this, but I also know it's an unreasonable thing to do - so as much as I still hold onto the feeling - I know it's not something to hold the other accountable for.

If something bothers me, I will express it. It's just that sometimes I know the thing that bothers me comes from insecurity or anxiety, which is something I have to work on, myself. I would never hold it against another person in a serious manner, but might mention it again - as a way to let them know I was serious about it the first time. Which can still be an unfair thing to do in my opinion. I just haven't mastered to let it go entirely once the thing has been discussed. I'm general, though, I rarely hold grudges, but I know it happens.

That said, there's generational trauma in my family that I know won't ever be resolved, and has caused both my parents and siblings to keep grudges, even when the reason for that has never been openly discussed. It's not just towards men, but towards anyone though. I think if you grow up in a place where everything gets swept under the rug and you're never able to completely express yourself - you'll grow up thinking your opinions and perspectives hold no relevance. To the point where the things you dó share, are often filtered in a way that doesn't entirely do justice to the full situation. So even when you express yourself and the matter at hand, it likely never covers the entire situation in a way that actually allows someone to move forward.

It's not just women who do this, but women - in my experience - are far more expressive about it.

If any of that makes sense...

[Valdemort]

I have to add though, in my family especially the older generations, it's literally A THING to not express yourself and hoping the other will pick up on it by being silent.

I've called many of my relatives out on that, cause no bloody person can read minds. So if they're dealing with something- they gotta share that if they want it to change.

But yeah, like I said, I think most of it comes from the fact that things've often been swept under the rug when it DID get pointed out, so they've kinda refrained from trying.

[OneViewpoint]

@Valdemort ,

Yup, that helps. Thanks. Nice to hear someone's thoughts rather than filling in the blanks with my imagination. Your family sounds like my family, LOL. My sisters and parents were in a lifelong paradox that none of them would ever bridge. I just gave up on all of them at some point. It was tragic to watch but eventually I realized I couldn't fix them.

[Anonymous]

I think it would need to be said that it wasn't okay ans that it wouldn't be acceptable if it happened again my husband like to joke a lot but sometimes he goes over the line and I tell him hey that wasn't okay to me or it hurt my feelings please don't do it again and then we move on from it

[HungTexan]

If someone unintentionally did something that was considered wrong, how can you bring it up much later and hold it against them. It would have been better to discuss the transgression at the time it occurred.

[GlowUpGirly5]

Depends what was said. At your age people are very aware of the things they say. Some are passive aggressive

[TheStaleMarshmellow]

If ignorance can't protect you from being arrested. It's only fair