How do I cope after learning a friend who died secretly loved me?

I knew this guy my entire life but never in my life did I think this was how he felt about me.
This guy grew up from house opposite me he was a couple years older then me but we used to play out together when we were children and looking back he was a big part of my childhood. We used to pick bugs out the ground together, ride bikes , have water fights and come home covered in grass stains all that kind of stuff kids will never understand nowadays.

Over the years we faded apart as you do when you become teenagers / young adults. I was always kind and polite to him and would often see him at church. He was always very shy and nerdy whilst I was the loud, mouthy girl who had no filter. I remember id just say it how it was with people and hed choke himself trying not to laugh.

He never went uni but I did after that I only came home for celebrations like Christmas, Easter. He still lived with his family but by choice because he needed to help care for his mother. I remember chatting to him at Christmas and hed always look down at his feet when talking to me.

I just assumed it was his shyness nothing more.

Last month he unfortunately passed due to a car accident. I went to his funeral to say my goodbyes and his stister came to speak to me at his wake that took place at the family home. If im honest i don't know if I she hadn't after what she told me.

She said "he really loved you, you know" my eyebrows shot up and i said "sorry what" i felt really uncomfortable after that. She took me to his bedroom and gave me his dairy to look at i told her I thought this was disrespectful to him and I didn't feel it right.

She read parts out and honestly I've had no man ever talk about me in such a loving and romantic way my heart hurts just thinking about it.

I never thought he liked me like that and now I feel all confused and sick inside.
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I think its the feeling of if he had the confidence to tell me, what could have life been like. Its the "what if" playing in my head. a lot of regret because i was too stupid and blind to see what I had in front of me as well. I never thought of him romantically because It never crossed my mind he'd ever like me like that.
How do I cope after learning a friend who died secretly loved me?
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