What do you do in a stand still relationship?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. We have definitely had our ups and downs, and have had a break up or two followed by getting back together. We don't live together, he has his own place and I live at home. My family isn't fond of him (they don't feel he has treated me fairly, but also are unwilling to see the changes I see now), so he doesn't come over to my place anymore. It has been a month from our last big fight (almost called everything quits). Since then though, he hasn't had me stay the night, he says he wants to take things slow. Nothing happened outside of him and I, the fight did bring up problems from a past relationship he was in. He said he wants to regain the trust and respect our relationship deserves.

My question is this: How long would you stay with someone you love if things feel like they are at a stand still? It's not that I don't see a future with him, because I do, a very nice loving future. However, I think he is resistant because of his past and I don't want to push him and am trying very hard not to.

[billy_young]

What would you class as progress in your relationship? What are you waiting to happen? Or is it just that you feel like things have gone backwards from how they used to be?

I think that if you see a future with him, then you wait for that future.

He wants to take things slow. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to take things anywhere. It means he needs some time.

If you're not happy with how your relationship is right now, then do something about it. You are half of the relationship. you have as much power over this standstill as he does. How do you want the relationship to progress? Do you want to see him more? Do you want to live together? Do you want your parents to like him? If you want these things, then make them happen. Ask him over or ask him to go out. Tell your parents that you like him and you'd appreciate it if they would give him another chance and respect your feelings for you.

You have as much control over the relationship as him, so do something :)

Hope this helps. Please answer the questions above if you want more specific and probably useful help & advice :)

[Asker]

I see a future with him and he has stated that he sees one with me as well. I think it would be hard to see him more then I currently do, we spend pretty much every evening together, and the weekends. I I would like to try living with him, but I feel that he is comfortable in his current place and it would take a lot for him to consider moving, and he has stated that he feels his place is too small for the both of us together.

[Asker]

I want my parents to like him and I have tried to get things back to when they did, but they refuse to see the changes that I see. To them he hurt me in the past and that's all there is. My father is the bigger problem of the two, he is extremely stubborn and a bit controlling. I don't even know how to approach a conversation with my father anymore on the topic or that I will be able to get through to him in some way. My mom said she doesn't see my dad changing his mind at all either.

[billy_young]

Well I think maybe the best thing is just to give things time. It's only a month since your last argument, that's not very long at all really. If you want to move in with him, you need to be able to last at least 6 months with him without having a seriously big argument. Small arguments are fine, but fall outs to the point of nearly splitting up aren't good if you're living with someone!

[billy_young]

As for your dad, he probably needs time too. He needs to see that you actually are happy with him. Just hiding at your boyfriend's house isn't going to help things because your dad will never see you with your boyfriend, so he will never see how happy you are with him now. That's what he really wants for you, which is why he doesn't like your boyfriend, because he hurt 'his baby girl'.

[islands7]

I think you'll agree relationships are not 50-50 effort = 100%

In order to achieve 100+%, both must strive to give over 50% to make up the cyclical lacks the other may either choose or cannot invest.

Less than 100% = stand still

If want 100%, what can you do to take up the slack?

What efforts can you make that are ALL about him?

OK, I might be talking to someone that gives 80-100% ALL the time, hence the family remarks that dis him. That would be an exceptional case and you've done all you can. Now you leave it up to God, patience and busy yourself with others ... that might turn out to be more promising to your future.

[Asker]

I feel as though I give a lot in the relationship, I try to make sure that things are taken care of and that I do my best to provide for him in a healthy and beneficial relationship way. Most of our time is spent at his place, I buy food and clean as well as spend the majority of my time with him. I think maybe time is too much, and I might need a hobby, something that serves as a productive distraction for him and I to get that personal space, but still be together, sorry I'm rambling now.

[islands7]

I think you are rambling (creative thinking) in the right direction. That said, parents have more experience & are able to pidgeon hole from obvious clues faster than their kids wish to admit.