My boyfriend is buying an apartment. Does this mean he isn't including me in his future plans?

Question

My boyfriend of 2 years is shopping around for an apartment. He wants to buy an apartment but what bothers me is that he isn't keeping me in the loop. I don't know if he deliberately keeps me out of the loop or he just don't intend for me to be part of the future plan. What I meant by keeping me out of the loop is that he's looking for apartments without asking me if I like it or if I see myself staying there or as simple as how do I like that particular unit and/or location etc.

Currently, he lives with his brother and I live with my sister at different end of a city but we normally spend the weekend either at his or my place.

My questions is this: does this mean he doesn't view our relationship to be a long term one? does this mean he isn't including me in his future plans? should I worry?

cazza3 · Accepted Answer

I know this is the kind of stuff we freak out over but guys don't bat an eyelid at. You think that because he hasn't asked you one single question about it or for your opinion it means he doesn't want you in your future. The guys who have answered have asked about your financial contribution and if there is none  then you don't get a say. Its that black and white with guys, they don't understand how we come to the conclusions we do, or why we tie ourselves up in knots trying to analyse what everything they say or do or don't say or don't do means.  But we give them way too much credit, they really are not that complex. You have been with him for two years, no one would waste two years of their life with someone that they don't think would remain in their future. If he didn't want to be with you anymore you'd know, it'd be a lot more obvious than him not asking for your opinion on kitchen space. Yes while its a little inconsiderate of him but he's not trying to give you some subtle hint about your future together, he's simply trying to get some independence for himself. Enjoy the apartment hunting and stop thinking of it as some negative sign about your future together, think of it as him trying to get a place where he can have some privacy with you

Tamikaze · Accepted Answer

I don't know that this means what you think it does. He probably is being a typical guy, being very practical and thinking that 1) you two don't live together and 2) having his own place will be a plus for the two of you and 3) you won't be helping to buy it so it should be his 100% decision.

Now, I am not saying that all of that is right, especially #3, but a very practical person would think that all made sense and only someone who can delve into the emotional would consider that it wouldn't hurt to ask his girlfriend about her opinions on a place even if it is his final choice.

You should let him know that you would like to look at apartments with him and see what he says. I wouldn't make it a demand, but just mention it would be fun, and see what he says. He may also think it isn't particularly convenient to have both of you go to all the look-see's, but you won't know unless you bring it up for a discussion.

candlewax · Accepted Answer

Why do you think you should have any say in what apartment he chooses? Sounds like he's looking into this on his own because he's the one paying for it. You two aren't collectively looking for an apartment, so I don't see why you think you should have any say if you like it or not. Controlling much?

However, I can see why you're a little baffled with the lack of including you as far as moving in, since it's been 2 years. But let the guy enjoy his new found freedom. No room mates to worry about (ie his brother), and it's his own space. Once he has his own space for awhile, he may consider bringing up living with him.

Until then, don't be so controlling and paranoid. This is what causes relationships to end.

DavidWolfe · Accepted Answer

Don't worry about it. I suspect he just wants to buy his own place and really hasn't thought about it beyond that. If you guys are just "seeing each other', and not engaged or haven't talked about moving in together or anything else beyond that, then he is just making decisions based on right now (like guys do), not what may happen with you (or not) in the future. Best guess though is that he doesn't see your relationship becoming more serious than whatever it is right now, at least not in the immediate future. If you've been thinking it's more than that, maybe you guys aren't on the same page. You should find out.

Belgie · Accepted Answer

Your opinion on the apartment, or its location, is meaningless - unless you're buying it as well, or putting your name on the lease.

This is his money, his apartment, his decision.

i don't think it says anything about your relationship or future plans. It's just that when it comes to the sums of money involved... you have no say in this. Nor should you. It really is that simple.

madmisskelly · Answer

I wouldn't say that he doesn't see you in his future plans, as much as I would say he still wants a division between what is his and what is yours.

If he intended on moving in with you anytime soon, he would have taken you along.

However, since this will be HIS apartment, he wants to create a metaphorical line- its HIS decision about which apartment he picks and he wants to do it on his own.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it just means he probably isn't ready to mesh lives anytime soon.

Have you guys talked about moving in or marriage? How does he react when the subject is approached?

hakuna_matata · Answer

hmmm I c.. normally if I would go out and buy an apartment then I would ask my boyfriend for advise... I think anyone would.

dont listen to these hyper answers down here asking you to believe that it's his apartment..u have no say in it...just shut up...blah blah blah. I don't think your boyfriend thinks like this for u. just ask him if you have an issue with this. but if I were you then I wouldn't really bother. most probably he is just getting some apartment to live..its not really his idea of the dream home of the married couple or something...

carinabina820 · Answer

Here's a crazy thought...maybe it has nothing to do with you at all! Chill out! He needs somewhere to live. Why would he need to tel you? It's not like you're engaged and are going to be moving in together next month..you are a psycho no wonder guys are afraid of controlling girls...

Anonymous · Answer

Are you paying for this apartment with him?

Are you going to be paying bills with him?

If not then what location you like and if you like the apartment really isn't a deciding factor.

No offense, but you just sound extremely self centered and ridiculous here. How long have you two even been together? Why don't you just talk this out with him? And sorry to break it to you, but seeing as most relationships these days are very temporary, the odds that he isn't taking it that seriously are high.

Anonymous · Answer

i agree with cazza3, I can see where you're coming from we girls are emotional like that and think deeply into things, most importantly, we wanna be part of our bf's lives and not be left out in any way because we love them that much, but sometimes people are just independent and introverted. I guess you can say they need their own space too. he is moving with his brother so may be they need to figure out what works best for them as roommates. I wouldn't take it personally at all, in fact he's probably trying to pick the best place out so when he has you over, its perfect and cozy. :) may be just wants to surprise you and impress you. sometimes it can be embarrassing too if he invited you along to go apt hunting and he realizes he can't afford one, or its out of his budget, he doesn't wanna show you he can't afford certain apartments. its best if he kept that private and just invite you when its all decorated and done. :)

cheer up hun! don't worry.

Brando · Answer

What has already been said. You don't contribute to the bills, so you don't need to be kept up with every detail of his decisions.

Anonymous · Answer

You guys don't live together and are not sharing finances. Girls are unbelievable sometimes. Have you two even talked about living together at some point?

justanotherguy00001 · Answer

Are you paying at all? If you are not, you have no say in it. Sorry.

WeaponZero · Answer

No, you shouldn't worry.  I'm sure your input would matter if you were contributing financially.

Prof_Don · Answer

You're thinking WAY too much here. He wants to get an apartment, and it is HIS apartment. Unless you're sharing finances he frankly doesn't have to console you.

He may be a control-freak and want his place, the way he wants it.

This doesn't mean he's gonna break up with you...why so panicky, QA?

danndan6 · Answer

firstly, you can't definitively conclude anything from our end of things (writers). there could be a number of explanations but most important of all is that it doesn't have to mean something bad. he may be head over heels in love with you but thinks that moving in together is too fast

rachel05 · Answer

it doesn't have anything to do with him not including you in the future plans.. it's just him wanting his own space.. more freedom from wherever he was.. right to make more adult decisions etc.. nothing to do with you.. unless it's like far away on purpose or something..

Anonymous · Answer

Along with the money thing, maybe he isn't ready for you guys to live together. Apartments are temporary. If he was getting a house, then you could be asking some questions. But after the lease is up, he is free to move anywhere and at that point you should talk to him about your concerns about your future together.

GymStatus · Answer

It is "his" place...  If you move in with him one day then congrats... If he does not, it is still his place. If he never invites you over then... you know lol.

NothingGoldCanStay · Answer

A girlfriend is not a wife... so don't expect to be treated like one... how old is your boyfriend anyway? Just wondering.

Guysensei · Answer

If the appartment is for HIM, why would he be asking for you like or approve of? Its not your appartment he's lookin for.. and by the way, the answer to "should I worry? " is always NO

palek · Answer

Until you have a wedding band, your ball-and-chain permit is denied.

Moloch · Answer

Don't worry about it, it's not your apartment, it's his apartment.

sef0181 · Answer

It just means he isn't considering you as a second tenant... Since you have your own place, I feel like it's not the end of the world. He's the only one paying for it, so he's the only one picking it. I think it's rather simple?

cynicalsoul · Answer

If you've been together for 2 years, you should be comfortable enough to ask him where he sees this relationship going. That's a lot of time to dedicate to one individual and if you don't bring it up and things aren't as serious in his eyes as they are in yours, well think of all the time you'll regret giving up.

davematthewsband589 · Answer

Maybe he just isn't ready to move in with you yet...

cathysmith07 · Answer

Ask him frankly. You'll never know the answer by just keeping it in your self.

Anonymous · Answer

What everyone else said, it really has nothing to do with you

kaitlovesyou · Answer

it has nothing to do with you lol

My boyfriend is buying an apartment. Does this mean he isn't including me in his future plans?

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