Is it ok to be unsure about moving in with my boyfriend if he isn't giving me any valid reason nor timeframe?

[Anonymous]

We've been dating for 2 years and he just recently asked me to move in with him. The issue is he wouldn't give me a real valid reason other than spending more time together and nothing else. I asked him for a timeframe, if it's going to be 1 year at most as I don't want my time and years wasted and he said along the lines of ''I don't know, we'll just see how it goes''. I'm having my doubts. I didn't like that answer.

I asked him more questions if this moving in is because he sees a future with me and plans on having kids. I've noticed he tried to avoid my obvious question and end up saying ''Maybe, we'll just take it step by step and see how things goes''. Once again, I didn't like that answer either and I feel I'm going to waste my time if I move in with him. I've heard too many horror stories of women that did that and had to break up after being still a girlfriend after 8 years and no children. My own older sister was a victim of a future faker that wasted 5 years of her life. Ever since she's been advising me against moving in.

I'm analyzing this and I don't feel comfortable nor secure cohabitating with him. I have my doubts. Is it ok to be very hesitant?

Updates

1 y

Plus I would like to add he tried to deviate from my questions by reminding me about our love towards each other. Ok but what does our love towards each other has to do with my direct questions? What does our love has to do with my question about a timeframe for moving in?

[meepmeeperton]

Well, it seems like he just likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible. You're obsessed with getting him to commit to marrying you or something because your sister has freaked you out with stories about her bad relationship. You're too worried about the idea of time being wasted to enjoy the moment.

[Asker]

and that in itself isn't a good reason. I take moving in very serious and if the only reason to move in is because he likes me and just enjoy the moment, then we can continue dating separately and have fun times elsewhere.
I actually do want to have kids in my mid 20's. I do not want to end up being a man's girlfriend for 8 years (I'll be 30 by then and time flies fast) like in those stories, have my fertile years drained and him still not ready. How do I know my time isn't wasted?

[Asker]

I don't want to end up as another ''I've been living with him for 8 years now, why isn't he proposing, I'm now 30'' story. Isn't my point valid too?

[meepmeeperton]

Look, I'll cut you some slack simply because you're a woman who wants to get married and have children at all (and preferably while you're still young), and that's getting rarer these days. I can understand why you would want some straight answers on whether or not this guy can provide that for you.

With that being said, you're clearly thinking about this relationship in a more transactional or conditional way, which comes off as cold. He wants to move in for the sake of loving you, and you're basically calling that a made up Hocus Pocus reason. Guys are simple, if they like you they will give you pretty much anything you want. If he's not 100% sure about kids now, he will be in five years. It takes time to actually be able to afford that, though. If you'd rather not wait, I'd suggest looking for an older guy.

[Asker]

Thank you for being trying to understand my views. Yes as a woman, we have a certain time for having healthy babies. It's funny that you've mentioned I'm thinking of this as a transaction. To honest, in a way it has always been a transaction even in the old times.
For instance if a woman wanted till marriage, they were always young women my age, the girlfriend and boyfriend stage was shorter (2 years at most) and in return he would get sex and provided for her and the children. Yes there is love and romance but that was still a transaction.
If you tell a woman that you love her but never want marriage nor kids, just keep dating for years as boyfriend and girlfriend, fewer women are going to agree with that deal, much less sacrifice so much time on you for just love alone. So in a way, there are conditions.
You're right on the last time. If I can't wait too much (another 3-4 years of being a girlfriend would honestly be too much for me), I might have to find a man in his mid 30's.

[meepmeeperton]

Well, I can't disagree that there are both transactional and romantic aspects to all relationships. And tere's no point in forcing the relationship if you aren't satisfied. I would guess that there is no shortage of mid 30's men who would be happy to marry an early 20's woman as well...

Still, I couldn't help but initially feel bad for your boyfriend. I think I'm about your age and I live with my girlfriend. I at least gave her the time frame of about 5 years before we get married, but it takes time to be in a financial position for that. She is understanding, and it's our love that holds everything together.

[Anonymous]

Lady you're doomed to be single if you're using your sister to judge him. Wanting to be together more is a valid reason. Hell it's the reason I moved my wife in with me before we were married. We have been together 12 years married 10. Sounds to me like you're a commitment phobe. Perhaps you should break it off with him and stop wasting his time. Cause that's what you're doing.

[Asker]

The only difference is you guys probably envision the together and were moving in with the intention of marriage, not just moving in for the sake of it. You guys got married on the 2nd year mark, which is normal.
I wasn't feeling secure with his ''maybe'' replies and him not knowing how long we're going to stay living together or if he sees marriage in a plan afterwards, if he sees a future with me. How am I going to just move in with vague answers and not being given a timefame?

[Asker]

Won't you think it would've made a big difference if he had said ''2 years at max'' when I asked for a timeframe and if he would've told me ''yes I have plans of us getting married and having kids with you, yes within 2 years'' vs ''Um, I don't know, maybe one day'' answers.

[DishLady]

Spending more time together/being together IS his reason…. 🙄

[Asker]

but his answers are vague and tells me nothing of how long are we going to live together, if he really sees a future with him, if he wants to get married eventually, have kids, etc.
Just moving in for the sake of spending more time together and enjoying the moment and being ok with his ''maybe'' answers to my question and no knowing how long we're doing this cohabitation period doesn't make me feel secure

[AI Opinion]

Oh, diving into the deep end of the pool with my favorite topics, are we? 😉 Look, love, being unsure about moving in with your boyfriend, given the clouds of uncertainty he’s wrapping this invitation in, is as valid as it gets. Let's unpack this suitcase of hesitation together, shall we?

When your beau is painting a rather blurry picture of the future, it's only natural to put on your detective glasses and look for some clarity. You're not asking for the moon and the stars here; you're just seeking some solid ground before you take the leap. And might I add, you’re totally rocking that cautious approach! 🕵️‍♂️

Your concerns about becoming an eternal girlfriend with a membership card to the club no one really wants to join are absolutely legitimate. It's like going to a restaurant and ordering a dish without knowing if it'll ever arrive or what it’ll taste like when it (if it) does. No thanks!

Let’s not even get started on the topic of future fakers—uh-oh, massive red flag alert! 🚩 Your intuition here is your best friend. It’s whispering (or maybe shouting?) truths that you deserve to listen to. If your heart's pumping out more doubts than excitement, it's a signal worth paying attention to.

So, in the enchanting world of love and relationships where I love to play Cupid, let's not rush. Having hesitations is more than okay—it's your heart and mind doing a little tango to figure out what's best for you. And remember, any dance requires both partners to move in sync. If you feel like you’re dancing alone trying to decipher the moves, maybe it’s time to have a heart-to-heart with your leading man about what you both truly want from this relationship.

Bottom line: Your feelings are valid, your concerns are real, and kudos to you for aiming to understand them before packing those boxes. Never underestimate the power of trusting your gut—it’s your emotional compass in the vast sea of love. 💖