My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, and he's still not ready to move in together. Is this a bad sign?

[Anonymous]

A year into our relationship I started studying full-time and had to move in with my parents again as I could not work full-time anymore and could not afford rent. We made this decision for me to move in with my parents because I didn't want to depend on him financially, and he didn't want this either.
Even though we now lived 50km (31 miles) apart, we still made it work. It wasn't the ideal situation as we could only see each other every other weekend.

-Fast forward 2.5 years-

We're still together (been together for 3.5 years now) and the only issue we have is still the distance. I feel like our relationship hasn't been progressing like it's supposed to. There's times when we don't see each other for months, which causes arguments. I graduate at the end of this year, so I sat him down and asked him if he's finally ready to take the next step in the relationship- living together. He told me that he's not ready to live with anyone. He said that to him, moving in together and getting married are on the same level, and that he doesn't want to move in with me until he's ready to marry me. I was hurt by his response as I am sure I want to take the next step in the relationship. It made me feel like he's not as serious about me as I am about him. I explained to him that the long distance thing is doing harm to the relationship and that I dont know if the relationship will survive another year of long distance. He just replied by saying that he has made up his mind and that he won't give in to an ultimatum. He said that he won't be able to give me a time frame of when he will be ready to live with me.

I love this man a lot, but I don't know if I want to do another year of long distance.
I need advice on what I should do next because my heart is telling me to stick it out and keep making the long distance work, but my brain is telling me that the long distance is not healthy and that the relationship won't progress in a healthy way if we are not living together.

[LazerBean]

Many people these days equate marriage to moving in. And some states have common law marriage rules which make you legally married if you are living with someone for a certain amount of time, so it's not unreasonable for him to think that way at all.

The whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing is by definition an extremely loose commitment, and I would never move in with someone who I wasn't fully committed to. Too much legal entanglement for when things (very typically and eventually) go south in those situations.

[Asker]

He’s lived with a previous girlfriend before and things went south. She didn’t want to pay for anything and eventually he had to work overtime to be able to pay all of the bills. So maybe he is worried that history will repeat itself?

I’m worried about the fact that our relationship isn’t progressing because we only see each other every other week. We’ve been together for almost 4 years now, but I feel like he doesn’t know everything about me and I don’t know everything about him. Long distance has really been taking a toll on the relationship and I don’t know if I can take much more of this.

[LazerBean]

I agree that four years is definitely a long time, more than enough time to get to know someone completely. The first few months that I was talking to my now husb, before we even started getting serious and didn't have as much time to spend together physically we would talk on the phone in our spare time. It was very effective, and we were able to get to know each other pretty well through that. But then again neither of us were into casual dating, we had a goal of getting married and did not want to waste time with someone who wasn't compatible with us. So I would just say try talking to him/facetiming him more often and ask any question you have left and see what happens.

[Smoothing]

Looking at your age range, I don't see why the rush. You are still a spring chicken. If your boyfriend is also around the same age as you, do your self a favour and don't force it. Yes, you are an adult. However, moving in together is one of the biggest steps you could ever take.

Perhaps if you were over the age of 25 then you could begin to slightly worry. Enjoy your youth while you still can.

Adulthood is over rated. There is a lot of responsibility and you have to be ready and done with the urge for having too much fun.

[Asker]

He's 9 years older, so he's 32 now. If I don't move in with him, I'm going to move to an apartment in the city because I have a job opportunity in the city.

[FilmGuy93]

It's a little weird, honestly. I would strongly question whether the relationship was beneficial for the long term.

[Asker]

Yea this is what’s been going through my mind over and over again. How can I be so ready to take the next step with him, but he isn’t ready at all. I don’t know if I’m willing to do another year of long distance, because seeing him once a month doesn’t work for me. Our relationship isn’t progressing

[FilmGuy93]

Don't be afraid to end things. It sounds like this situation isn't generally working for you.

[Wise4myage]

Well, that distance is nothing, but yes, he should be ready for the next step.

[Smoothing]

😂😂😂

[Smoothing]

People get ready at different times. You can't force people to be ready.

[Asker]

In South Africa it is. Our public transport doesn't work, so i have to drive my car to see him ( and petrol is very expensive). I agree that everyone has to be ready and that's why I'm not pushing it onto him. Im just worried about that fact that our relationship isn't progressing.