Boyfriend said marriage isn't a priority after 3.5 half years together. Should I break up?

[shirinfer]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now. We haven't lived together but we see each other frequently.

I asked him recently how he feels about marriage and whether or not he would want to get married soon, as that is something I'd like in the future. He opened my message and didn't respond for a day. The next day he said he didn't want to get married right now as he would like to focus on his career. He didn't give me a timeline or date for when this could potentially happen. Right now I feel a bit deflated and questioning whether I should continue the relationship.

How would you feel if your boyfriend/girlfriend said something like this? How long would you be willing to wait?

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Something I wish I knew when my girlfriend was alive is that you can be engaged for years.
Marriage is indeed a huge step, especially concerning finances. You can't pressure him into marrying you, but you can absolutely pressure him into getting engaged.
The word "marriage" is probably scaring him right now, but you can both take that next step into commitment without going all the way.
It may convince him to start thinking about marriage more seriously after you two are engaged for a while.
Call it psychological manipulation, but it would've worked on me.

Food for thought

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Give him something he can wrap his head around and get him used to calling you his fiance. It'll put a fire under him
(Is my main point)

[rukus88]

Men don't want to get married any more. Its a lose/lose. All of the cost, no reward. Sad but true. He is probably hung up on you taking all of his money or cheating or stealing his kids.

[shirinfer]

I have my own job, income, and properties and so does he. I don't plan on taking anyone's money

[rukus88]

So you would sign a prenup then right? one that says any children would be split custody, and no child support or alimony? And you only leave with the asset percentage equivalent to what you contributed during the relationship?

[rukus88]

@shirinfer?

[Vesuvius87]

Do you guys have kids? If not then and being married with kids is important to you while he just wants a prolonged infatuation/romance stage in dating then you're really wasting your time and years with someone that's not on the same page. That should be worth breaking up, eso since it's been 3.5 years already.

[shirinfer]

No, we don't have any children.

[Vesuvius87]

Then you're wasting your time. As you get older, you'll have a harder time getting pregnant. You can't afford a super long relationship that doesn't lead towards marriage and kids. You can't afford to go on his slow pace. Are you prepare to spend another 2+ years and him still saying"marriage isn't my priority" yet?
You'll be 33+ years old by then and still childless and unmarried.

[kylee2437]

If marriage is a goal for you and isn’t to him, then both of you aren’t compatible and that is a valid reason to break up with him. And the fact that he let a relationship go on for that long without really wanting to know if he wants to marry you suggests he may have commitment issues

[kylee2437]

Without knowing if he wants to marry you*

[Anonymous]

It is really not possible to answer the question in any detail without knowing both of you and what your relationship was like to now. That said, on balance, given that he mentioned that he would like to focus on his career for now - which is to say have the ability to take care of you and a family in the future, I would find that encouraging and suggest that you stay with him for now.

Also - and I recognize that not everyone will feel this way - marriage is a bit overrated. My girlfriend and I moved in together when I got her pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy and we did it because we thought we would make better parents together. Plus we wanted to share the experience of her pregnancy.

We have now lived together for over a decade and have three children and could not be happier. Somewhere along the line, we realized that we wanted the simplicity and "naturalness" of our relationship. A man and a woman together - doing what nature made us for. Simple as that.

We realized that we did not need all the bells and whistles of a ring, a ceremony, a marriage license and all the rest. We just wanted to be us, as I say - a man and a woman as nature intended. The elegant simplicity of a man and a woman just being who and what they are and loving each other and the babies we made. (We now have three - two boys and my little princess. I am the most besotted daddy you will ever meet.)

As I say, I realize that may not be for you - and that is fine. Truth be told, I am otherwise pretty traditional and it surprises me that I feel this way. Ditto my girlfriend.

Still, before you leave a man who cares about you, consider what you two share and what you mean to each other. When he is holding you in his arms, think about what that means to you.

Finally, when the time is right, communicate. Not about the future, but about what you mean to each other. That is the best way to decide "next steps."

[Anonymous]

3 1/2 years is a fairly long time as it is. If marriage is so important to you and so unimportant to him, that might be a dead end. I'd maybe have this conversation in person for one, and make it clear how important it is to you. If he remains non-committal, then you're unlikely to get a happy ending in this and the sooner you move on, the better for the next one.

[LazerBean]

Yes, of course break up. He isn't interested in getting married any time soon, at least not to you. Should have asked that question 3 years ago and broken up then.

[richardcory]

He is being honest about what he wants. Its really up to you whether you want to stay with him if he doesn't want to get married.

[DarkWinterNights]

Most guys are going to respond similarly. Especially if they’ve seen the horror stories online. You should start by asking him if he ever sees the two of you getting serious.

[Miristheiss]

If marriage is a priority for you and if he says he doesn't plan to marry you than, yes, break up.

[slatyb]

You should have discussed about 3.4 years ago. If you are looking to marry, he's not the one.

[AmeerX]

I would not wait more than an year for marriage. If someone wants longer than that then sorry you are not for me.

[jahaims]

Being married or not isn't important to me. It's just a legal step. If you have similar morals, values and goals it shouldn't matter.

[kylee2437]

If they are on two different pages with marriage , then their values and goals aren’t the same.

[Vesuvius87]

@kylee2437
This exactly

[kylee2437]

@Vesuvius87 this is why people need to stop having the mindset of “it’s just a piece of paper” it only works if your partner feels mutual from the beginning

[jahaims]

It is a legal agreement, that is it. That is why the government is involved.

[Vesuvius87]

Yet the difference is a husband can make medical decisions over me if I were hospitalized while a boyfriend can't. I can't have a boyfriend added to my health insurance plan nor life insurance if I get much older but I could if he's a husband. Big difference right there.

[kylee2437]

@jahaims if it matters to the person you are dating, then it’s not just a piece of paper.

[jahaims]

@Vesuvius87 Thanks for proving my point.

[Vesuvius87]

@kylee2437
This exactly. He would be wasting time with a woman that doesn't think it's just a piece of paper.
For instance, I think just being a man's girlfriend for years and no proposal is a waste of time and just words. I think you need more than just a verbal agreement to commit. Just words (after all, that's why it's just boyfriend and girlfriend) isn't enough for me. I would be wasting time with a man that isn't into full commitment with everything; words, ring, paper, sharing of assets, etc.

[kylee2437]

The only excuse someone needs is marriage is an important aspect to them. Your excuse of “it’s just a piece of paper” will never work on someone that wants marriage.

[Jamie05rhs]

You should have asked him that question before the first date.

[barn_stormer]

he probably rightly thinks marriage is for idiots. get a new boyfriend.

[In_Trance]

If marriage is what you're after, yes