My mom hates my girlfriend. What should I do or say?

[Anonymous]

My mom hates my girlfriend. She thinks that she is lazy and not right for me because my girlfriend comes from a poor family. My girlfriend is in debt to her college, dropped out of college and she works for min. wage. Since the beginning of the summer, my girlfriend has payed down her debt, is working on building her credit and is saving up to buy a car and go back to school. She works 40 hours a week and is trying to pick up hours where she can. She is working harder than me right now. My mother doesn't know of this update yet, but is basing her views of my girlfriend on her mother who hasn't worked in 10 years and the fact that she is carrying debt. My parents paid for college. I'd like to move out ASAP and move in with my girlfriend as close to the city as I can since that is where I will be working. I have no car right now that I'd be able to take. I'd like to add that my mother was very angry with me when I lied to her saying I was going golfing with friends when I really went to go see my girlfriend. She confiscated my phone and computer I'm guessing so I can't contact my girlfriend. I have found ways around that though. My girlfriend knows what my mother did, but doesn't know about the lie. My dad and sisters understand my point of view but they side with my mother to keep her happy. I just don't know what to do.

My question is, should I update my mother on the situation and should I try to show her my girlfriend is right for me? Also, do you think that my mom is jealous that a girl is trying to take me away from her? I don't like my mother at all. I just put up with her. I am at the tipping point with my mother and would just like to tell her to deal with the fact that I love my girlfriend and want to be with her. I am also considering explaining my entire history of my love life to my mother to show her why my girlfriend is important to me. Any thoughts? If you need more info, please let me know.

Updates

+1 y

Just wanted to update everyone. I was offered a job at a very prestigious bank. I know that my Girlfriend still is looking to pursue her dream as school teacher since she loves kids. She has to complete her degree though. I realized that I have a golden opportunity and I am going to work hard and prove myself to this bank and advance in the ranks so I can move out ASAP and find a place to move in with my GF. She can finish her degree at a college near the or in the city and find a teaching job.

Updates

+1 y

There's so many large towns looking for teacher around. I hope this can happen ASAP

[LJHam]

Like what several people here have said, most mothers of guys are over protective when it comes to girlfriends & wives. No woman is ever good enough for their son. I remember back to my first boyfriend in HS and his mom did not like me at all. That is until he broke up with me and started dating & married another girl. His mom realized that her son had a gem in me and regretted that I was no longer his gf.

However, what you really need to focus on now is building your life as an adult. You are only responsible for you and it sounds like you need to take some action to be a full fledged adult. Living at your parents' house, having your phone & computer taken away... these are not part of an adult life. If you want to treated like an adult, you have to start being one.

As far as how your mom feels about your girlfriend, here's a long hard lesson I had to learn...

My mother started dating a man 20some years ago. From the moment I met him I did NOT like him. He was & still is a weak individual w/o a lot of class. Over the years his alcoholism reared its ugly head, she ended up bailing him out of jail once, and kicking him out of her house 4 times. Every time she let him move back into her house I fussed & fumed. I thought she was absolutely insane. And I did not hide my true feelings about the guy at all. But she kept on saying it was her life and therefore her decision. I did not get this for many many years. Finally, she let him move back into her house a 5th time and I lost it completely. For the following year I barely saw or spoke to her even though she lives only 3 miles away from me. But during that time, I went through some changes. I grew up & developed self-esteem & became secure in myself. I realized that when I started feelings truly better about myself, then I stopped having so many negative feelings about him and everyone else.

So the point to that is this, when people are not fully secure & happy with themselves then they will find flaws in other people around them very easily. Judgement & criticism of others is really an attempt to put them down so you can feel better about yourself (unfortunately, that really doesn't work for the long haul). Anyway, this is what your mother is doing. Accept her for who she is, and what she's doing even though it's not appropriate or pleasant, because there's not a darn thing you can do to change her or her actions. All you really can do is move out on your own and start your life as an adult.

[jerzeygurl100]

no disrespect but you aren't going to be with your mom the rest of your life.

she can't decide FOR you who is best for you and who is not. what will you do when your mom finds a girl SHE approves of? and you don't like her? ik your mom is important to you but some decisions you need to make for yourself. that's apart of growing up.

ur girlfriend sounds more responsible than anyone ik and your mom doesn't know your girlfriend so she kind of should mind her mouth about who she speaks about. you don't owe your mom any explanations about who your going to spend the rest of your life with ik she is only saying this because she cares for you but she should also know your a man and somethings you need to decide for yourself like of course you have her there to point things out that you don't see but if you don't agree with the things she is pointing out then how do you know she isn't just having a hard time letting you go?

dont involve your mom so much in your relationship and make it clear that all this she is doing confiscating your phone and computer she is treating you like a baby =.=

the advice I'd give is just stop letting your mom butt in so much. if she asks about your girlfriend say she's good. and if she talks crap about her kindly let her know she doesn't know her and would appreciate if she would stop. if she doesn't let it go.

u can't control what other people do but you can control what you do sure you want someone your mom approves of but in the end I don't know if I would base who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with on whether my mom likes them or not.

take everything she says into consideration but its YOUR decision in the end NO ONE ELSE

u understand your girlfriend better than anyone else so don't ditch her if she is doing her thing

[Sib999]

Please confront her. Parents sadly seem to give a huge importance to money when it comes to dating. It's understandable, they will always wish the best for their children, but money alone is not a reason for ditching a mature, responsible, loving girl. Not to mention she has no control of her background, which anyway doesn't determine whether she will or will not be a good partner.

Besides, it sounds like she's being way too overprotective. I mean, how old are you? Confiscating computers/phones is something you do when your kid didn't eat his vegetables. Will she send you to the corner when you talk about moving out?

Do explain your gf's situation so that she sees she's a good girl. Give her your reasons for choosing her. You're a grown man and you've chosen the perfect girl for you. She might or might not agree, but no matter what happens she will have to understand you may not always live your entire life to her expectations.

Remember, you and your girl love each other. Don't let anyone get in the way. Do it for her!

[R3alGuy]

Dude. I just finished dealing with the almost same dilemma.

My mom hated my girlfriend, so it caused me to lie, be deceitful and betray her trust. You say you dislike your mother but she spent her time raising you, being there for you, and like you said getting you in college right? I'm sure you have feelings for your girlfriend, but be smart about this, family always should come first.

In my opinion, your girlfriend will bring your life down. Your out of college, your ready to move out, you hopefully have a plan. But this girl is in debt, she's working harder than you- what makes you think at the end of the day she will have time for you? Emotionally that is. Staying with her will not build your success it will only cause stress between your mother's relationship with you, your family, and you'll be so caring for this girl that you may spend large sums of money on her trying to get her out of debt which will only bring you down. Your mom wants the best for you, she has no reason to be jealous. My thoughts: leave this relationship before you get to attached, and don't risk lies and cause a negative impact on your future.

[Asker]

Here's the thing. My Girlfriend has paid off the debt and she's in better financial shape than I am. My mother ruined my graduation for me because she was pissed it was held on mothers day. It was the biggest moment of my life and she couldn't be happy for me. I was offered a job yesterday doing what I want and she still didn't care.

[R3alGuy]

Understood. Your relationship with her is shaky. Not all mother/son relationships are great. Trust me I know. But if you lost her...we all know life is short right? So ask your self, what's worth more staying angry at your mom for her actions or figuring out how to balance out her respect for your and your decisions? and vice versa.

Think long term, you don't have a car, but she's saving up for one. When she returns to school and gets her credit, where will you be in her future?..

[Asker]

She has expressed to me that she wants to be with me. She's the only girl that's ever accepted me and that's always been hard to swallow. My mom doesn't know anything about my love life's history. I think maybe filling her in on it might allow her to see why my Girlfriend is so important to me. What do you think?

[R3alGuy]

It could work. Your approach is key though, you really need to plan to sit with her and express to her how serious you are about her. But at the same time let her know you want your mom to be happy. That way she can't turn the tables and call your actions selfish. Be honest, be thorough, and be confident if you choose to go down that route. Make sense?

[Asker]

It does, but should I tell my mom about all the girls that hurt me in the past and my Girlfriend was the first that didn't reject me. Also should I mention to her about my lack in self confidence since she told me she hated me GF? The lack of confidence is because I am so bad around women no matter what I try or do. I have no faith in myself to find anyone else that will make me happy.

[R3alGuy]

1.) You don't need to go into detail about the women of your past, but if necessary I don't think it would hurt. 2.) You know your mother better than anyone on GAG so if you think that help your cause then go for it.

On a side note, just because there haven't been many women who have built your confidence you shouldn't let that bring you down. There are many girls who you will gain relationships with and honestly probably be better than your current girl.

[Stark]

If sh*t ever hits the fan, you will turn to family and friends, so it's important you don't disrespect your mom no matter how much of a pain she is.

Sit her down and talk. Let her know how well your girlfriend is doing right now and tell her you're old enough to make your own mistakes now, and she can't keep babysitting you and confiscating things when she gets upset. Tell her you're still gonna talk and stuff, but at one point you're going to have to leave and you hope to move in with your girl, and that's your choice. It will take a lot of balls to stand up, but you have to let her know that you're more independent now, and you don't need someone watching over you picking out your life.

If you don't wanna do this, you're going to have to just wait it out and move in with your girlfriend, you won't get away from your mom though, mine was the same and I know they will keep a grudge if you leave and don't do what they want you to. She will be there if you ever split up to tell you she told you so, and keep an even tighter watch on what you're doing.

Good luck with the escape :P

[Closetnerd]

Honestly your mom doesn't own your life, as much as moms tend to think they do, they don't. You really don't have to prove anything to your mom, your girlfriend is your decision not hers. You are in college which means you are an adult, you can move out, and date who ever you want to. Believe me my parents won't even talk to me because I moved out of their house at sixteen and moved in with my 'f*****' (their words not mine) boyfriend. Who you want to be with is your deduction and I you are one of those people that needs their parents opinion before getting in a serious relationship with someone then you can try explaining it to her but if your mom is as similar to my mom as she seems, then she won't listen and if she does it won't change her mind. If it means that much to you though, I guess it's worth the try, right?

[martyfellow]

Your mom wants you to marry someone with more money. Most mothers are like that in the USA. Money is their only value.

You can't fix that, and you can't reason with her. Don't tell her lies, but start your life with your girl friend regardless. When your mom realizes she can't manipulate you into breaking up with her, she will probably accept her, although there will always be friction between them.

NO, for God's sake don't tell you mom about your past, that will be something that will start a fight that will last for years!

[martyfellow]

UPDATE: you have a good plan. Don't depend on your mom's approval to start your life, or for your girl friend to start hers!

[Anonymous]

Grow up and stand your ground. Where do you think the term monster-in-law came from? Mothers are rather well known for disliking their sons' girlfriends. You are 22 years old and your mother took your phone and computer? And you lied about where you were? Seriously, that's the behavior of a 16 year old.

You don't have to tell her about your past. It doesn't matter and if you still let your past bother you, you have bigger issues. If her saying she hates your girlfriend affects your self-confidence, did you have any in the first place? If you want to be treated like an adult, act like it. Your girlfriend works harder than you do? And she works 40 hours a week, what are you doing in that time? What are you bringing to this relationship?

[art84]

Sounds like your mom thinks you can do better than this girl. Mother's tend to be over protective of who their son's date and do not get along with their girlfriends. Why not just stand firm and tell your mom everything. Your 20 years old and being treated like a little child. If this continues just imagine what happens as you get older. You really need to live your own life and your mom has to understand there comes a ti e when a man has to grow up and move outta his parents comfort zone and into the real world.

[Daffodils40]

Get your mom more involved with your love life so she can get to know the girl. She doesn't really have the right to discriminate against people she doesn't entirely know. Things will even out soon just give it time. And as for support, have trust in it for it will be very helpful.

[MrBaseball]

Regardless of economics, religion, ethnicity or personality, my mother has never thought any girl I have dated was good enough. Moms have been that way since the beginning of time. Remember, a mom sees her sons girlfriend/wife as her replacement.

[AmyCasting]

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[toricakes]

That's a mom thing. Tell her about it

[honeyltsme]

yes to all questions