How can I get him back and prove I'll change?

[helpha]

Long story short: I've been a crazy untrusting bitch to my boyfriend and he's very sick of it. he's always done everything to make me happy, he's put his heart on the line when I haven't, and he's told me before that he hates how I don't trust him. I've showed him that I don't trust him, that I'm crazy and overractive, several times.

He has always cared SO much. Just two weeks ago he was telling me how he loves me and needs me in his life. But he said he's tried everything and he doesn't believe me when I tell him I'll change. What do I do? I don't want to lose him at all, he's precious to me. I know he must still feel the same way because his feelings were very strong. We're meeting in a few days to talk in person but he's set on breaking up. How can I fix this?

[ludorock]

I was with a man I loved more than anything else in the world but I wasn't a good girlfriend. I didn't trust him, I was super clingy, I was rude to him, I was negative all the time, I constantly needed attention... really the list could just go on and on. Well the day came and we broke up. I was crushed, I begged him to just let me try I'd change but he insisted and so I left.

Well we got back together three months ago, a year and change after it happened and we're better than ever. He kept insisting it would never happen, he just didn't feel that way but... here we are. Why? Because I took the time. For four months after we broke up I didn't so much as text him. I didn't look at his Facebook, I didn't interact with him at all. And in that time I did a lot of work. I kept a journal, every time I felt sad, angry or anything I wrote it down and I kept writing until I had nothing left to say. I made a code of rules and I kept it- sleeping, reading, working out, eating healthy, always looking at the positive twist... It was a lot of work but a year later I was a whole new person and, because we went to school together, he saw that wen we hung out with mutual friends. And slowly we grew closer, and we became friends- real friends, best friends. And from there the feelings came back and now we're in a new, fresh relationship that is 100% healthier, happier and better than the last.

How do you fix it? You're not going to change in a day. No matter what that won't happen. Change takes a lot of hard work. On the outside you'll change, you'll think about what you say and how you talk to him but inside it will still eat you up. It will. I know. You need to step back and take time and work through these problems. Whether it's keeping a journal and sorting through all your emotions or talking to a therapist about it- whatever works for you. But you need to be away from him and you need to take time for you. Most importantly- and what I realized early on- you can't do it for him. If you do it for him you're not changing at all, you need to do it for you, because you want to be a better person completely independent of him.

So break up, go on a break, make a time to get back together in two months, at the end of winter break and talk about it but you need to let him go, you need to just get your own space and work out your issues. Dragging him through it will just make you worse. ANd he still loves you so that's a good sign that if you really do work and change, when you meet back up you'll have a good chance of getting back together.

[Pedantic]

ding ding ding, we have a winner.

[harveykinkle]

I think you need to sit down and have a good think.

WHY are you so insecure and untrusting? Is it because of something he has done or is it something inside you? I notice below you said he's unreliable but you say he is "always putting you first." He's not putting you first if he doesn't carry though with what he says he will. Maybe this is part of the problem?

If it's something inside you, you need to figure out why you feel that way. Did something happen in the past? You also mentioned past boyfriends. As hard as it can be try not to punish current boyfriends for the mistakes of past boyfriends. Try to remind you that this guy is not the one(s) who have hurt you in the past.

When you feel yourself starting to get needlessly untrusting and insecure in response to something he's doing just tell yourself over and over again that you have no reason to believe he's not doing as he says he is. Give him the benefit of the doubt unless you have solid reason to believe otherwise.

If he does leave you I think it would be a good idea to spend some time alone, figure out who you are and build confidence and self esteem by doing and achieving things on your own.

I see a lot of posts by you and you seem like a very sweet (and beautiful!) girl and you're always asking questions to please your boyfriend and being maybe a little too forgiving about some things. Try not to lose yourself in these relationships you're in :)

[carlo]

In my experience people do not change overnight, unless forced by some extreme situations, and I don't think yours is. By all means though, if you can change overnight as someone else suggested, then don't let what I'm saying hinter that. On the other hand, if instead you will find your change to be a fucking magnificent bumpy, frustrating, bitter and long ride, just beware it is normal. The fact that you have self awareness is the very first step. I don't know if you can fix it with your boyfriend, but I'd say rather than telling your boyfriend "I'll change" and then find out soon the old pattern haven't gone away (they were just gone underground, where you put them for a quick fix), better tell him, like a drug addict, "I'm addicted, to heroin, but I want to change, it won't be easy, but I don't want to lose you" (then cry and big hug and happy ending ;)). As I said, I don't know if you can fix it, but by what you say I think you two have good chances still, because ultimately you both seem to want to work on this relationship. Communicate as open as you can possibly can, that's the best strategy for relationships for me.

[carlo]

And as ludorock said, do it for yourself, if you do it for him you are just in a catch 22 and nothing won't change

[Jonny_]

If he truly loves you, why would he not want to take you back? I've had fights with those I've loved in the past but that seems very basic, love should definitely outweigh a feeling of distrust. If he loves you, he'll just need to mull over it and when you meet up in person again he should be more rational about it. People can feel how you've felt, it's not unhuman or immoral to have those feelings... Expecting someone to constantly be perfect is silly.

[helpha]

Well the way he sees it is that he's tried everything, been there for me, done everything to have me trust him fully, and it's not working. I freak out all the time, can't and won't have sex with him yet, and he's told me he loves me several times and I haven't returned the favor. I feel awful because he's right, I haven't trusted him. We're meeting in a few days and I REALLY don't want to lose him. So what can I say to fix this?

[BCRanger10]

Have you had issues with previous boyfriends?

I agree with ludorock. You should probably end this relationship and spend some time on your own to heal and recover from whatever is making you act this way. He clearly values this relationship. This is what would be best for the both of you.

If it helps, here is an article I wrote on the matter... link

[Anonymous]

You should try talking to someone that can help you resolve these feelings of insecurity that are probably at the root of this. I was in a relationship with someone that kinda sounds like you. Not just a second chance but I stopped counting after the 10th. I truly believed her when she said she would change. She didn't, actually all these chances just made me resent her more. She's finally in a healthy place after talking to counselors for awhile.

She was pretty bad...if we went out to eat I'd have to either hope for a male waiter or ask to be placed in a male waiters section. Too jealous for me. You're still young, focus on what's exactly causing these issues. DO NOT just tell him you can change like that knowing you have no control over your jealousy...you'll certainly chase him away for good.

[Justin34]

Wow if the guy is just trying to break you down emotionally then he doesn't deserve you anyways. Only an asshole would say they need you in their life and then not believe you or at least give you the true chance to change. But anyways good luck, sometimes you just have to do the best you can do and understand that whatever is meant to happen WILL HAPPEN. These things take time for sure.

[Cromartie]

Let's start simple: Does he know why you're the way you are?

[helpha]

Im that way cause my ex always left me unwanted, rejected, heartbroken. We also met and he was very unreliable and has been a little unreliable throughout our time together. BUT he's always put me first and cared and he gets VERY upset that I don't trust him since I'm the first girl he's let in since high school (hes 21). So he does know why I am this way but he's getting... or is officially.. impatient.

[Cromartie]

So he knows. Good. Have you considered counseling for yourself? If nothing else it will help you and if you wish to save this taking objective steps towards bettering yourself as well as admitting you need help to him may sway his opinion.

[Calex]

If I were him, I would give you a second chance. You're willing to improve the conditions and realising your mistakes. VERY few people do this. What you're doing is willing to fix things and I respect that.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

You change immediately. Stop all of those insecure behaviors that got you to this point.

[Anonymous]

You won't change, so give it up. Let the man be free without your cray cray self.

[Calex]

Everyone who realizes their mistakes deserves a second chance.

[Opinion Owner]

She always does the same shit. QA asks these questions on the regular..