Religion & Spirituality

Grief Diary Entry 1: Reconciling with Guilt and Finding Closure from the Death of a Loved One

Anonymous
#grief #dealingwithgrief #death #deathoflovedone #guilt #humancondition #reconciliation #emotional
#grief #dealingwithgrief #death #deathoflovedone #guilt #humancondition #reconciliation #emotional

Dear Diary,


It’s been almost two months since my grandma passed away, yet it feels as though she is still here, awaiting my visit at the aged care. I cannot believe that she is truly gone, the pain of losing her still hasn’t fully hit me yet or maybe it’s because I’ve been grieving her for the largest part of my life.

If you had asked me six years ago, I would’ve told you that there was only one thing that could really break me and that was the pain and grief of losing her, better yet losing her to dementia, an unforgiving mental illness.

Now that the time has come, I can finally say how her death has impacted me. There is pain, don’t get me wrong but it isn’t the kind of pain that I had anticipated because it didn’t break me into pieces like I thought it would. I feel numb to it all and wonder if that is because a part of me had been wishing and praying for the day to come. The day of her premature death to spare her of a life in pain.

I feel guilty of the relief her death has brought me. Perhaps if I had visited her more often in the preceding months or even years things would’ve been different, as I may have just known the person I call my grandma. But even in the days she spent in hospital leading up to her death, I still couldn’t find the strength and courage to see her. How foolheartedly of me that I can only hope to one day forgive.

I always tell myself that if I had only known that she was dying, I would’ve made more time to see her, and for the most part, I was angry that my parents had known all along but maintained that everything was going to be alright. I was also angry that she had been denied morphine and that she passed away in pain and alone, which were the very few things she was fearful of in her 95 years of life.

As aligned with Buddhist theology, death is a part of life and pain a part of death – that is what my father had told me. But has she not suffered enough pain in her life that she must also die a painful death?

You would think that the worst part of witnessing death is missing a person’s presence when they’re gone. That is true but what’s worse than that is watching a person you love slowly wither away. Eyes glassy, never knowing if they knew how you felt about them and never knowing if they ever will. Truth is, there is no closure in my story about my grandma and a part of the reason why is because I had again, been absent in the last moments of her life – making myself wilfully blind to the prospect though I had known and hoped so deep inside.

So, why do humans continue doing so? To act like fools and take time for granted even in the face of death? Perhaps it really is part of the human condition to be selfish and take things for granted which by now, I am well-accustomed to. Isn’t that what we do every day when we scroll social media and talk about the insignificant and superficial things in life?

I will never know the answer to the question, as I am one of those people who have taken things for granted and have learned that it is futile to point fingers at my parents or family when my actions speak for itself, and the guilt falls back on me.

That guilt and emptiness in my heart has led me into a state of deep and innate chronic sadness that no other being could ever fulfil or amend aside from myself. But people are wrong, it does not start with forgiving oneself. It starts from acceptance and positive change that I find myself unable to pursue, indeed blaming it on the human condition.

I used to believe that there is life after death that life bears with it no finality or even certainty. According to what ancient philosophy and religion denotes, the soul and body are distinct entities, with the soul transcending death. After my grandma’s death, I had waited for her soul to visit our family in light of Chinese tradition. I had searched around and around for a sign of her everlasting presence or existence but all there was, was silence and emptiness.

It is safe to therefore say that I did not find what I was searching for, which was some sort of closure – and that is exactly the problem with the human condition. We keep searching for meaning when there is none, and we keep holding on to the hope of betterment instead of making change.

I always say that life “is what it is,” and that should bring me enough closure. As far as I am concerned, her body and her corpse has been reduced to ashes, which may ultimately be all that is left of her...

Grief Diary Entry 1: Reconciling with Guilt and Finding Closure from the Death of a Loved One
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