Will I ever stop crying because I randomly remember how I lost my virginity to rape?

[ElizaPam]

Since I'm a transgender girl people were always so mean to me in school! Guys always made fun of me and said super mean stuff to hurt me! My friends were always so happy with their boyfriends and I thought that I would never be good enough for a guy to love. Why would a guy want me when he could have a normal girl?

Over the next 3 years I always dreamed of when it would finally be MY turn to smile really big from a guy loving me! He would take all the sadness from my heart and fill me with happiness and help me see that I'm JUST AS GOOD as the other girls no matter what! The sadness from my teen years would finally be over and I would be loved and feel special because God made an extra sweet guy just for me! I dreamed of how it was going to be when he took my virginity and gave me a super happy memory I could look back on and smile about for the rest of my life. It would finally be MY turn!!!

And then when I was 17 I met a 26 year old guy on Facebook and he really liked me!!! I found the extra sweet guy God made just for me because God wanted to see me with happy feelings too for once. It just ALL MADE SENSE!!! I had hurt super bad all through my teens from being treated mean. I thought God would want to balance it out! So I moved away 500 miles to be with the man of my dreams who will make everything ok.

But no he wasn't my extra sweet guy that God made just for me. After I kept telling him I'm not ready to give him my virginity he woke me up raping me. He stole the most precious moment of my life from me. Now instead of looking back on my first and smiling after 9 years I look back and cry. I can't stop crying. It's been 9 years and I'm all alone in my room crying because I'll never have a big reason to smile. I'll never have a first time that I was ready for with a sweet guy who thinks I'm just as good as the other girls. I'll never be a wife or a mommy. I'll NEVER be normal or even remotely good enough.

[nonratracereality]

This might be lengthy. What transpired in your life can similarly be measured by others if they went through the same process but ultimately they will NEVER feel your anguish, humiliation, hurt, embarrassment and the lust goes but hey all of us get into good/bad situations some more/less than others. Knowledge is power and it helps immensely but as we know we may have all the ingredients but it's when they are used that reaps the ultimate value. We can heal I know you don't want to hear that but not necessarily a lecture but a foresight into seeing life period not through anyone's eyes but the overall sight I see blue you see blue they see blue all confirmed except the one that says it's green is it green? No one knows what you went through the closest you'll get are people like me who are knowledgeable, humble, down to earth. The guy you may hate because you're getting the truth not someone else's truth but the ultimate truth. You came out of this not unscathed but not damaged enough to let it take over and dominate your life and behavior. You will heal, believe in you I do and there's more in the world it's just everything requires work. If you're lazy nothing gets done. Take baby steps find out about you, be with people who dont give you attitude create issues, final result drama and the overall repentance of shit. It can be lonely but guaranteed you will be a stronger person for it and can be a driving in supporting all those who have a different life style from the traditional one which wasn't 100%. Overcome your fear do it right and you have nothing to fear do it wrong you'll either question yourself why it happened or just throw in the towel. The fact you're here and I'm here justifies the truth. I can comment and you can get real info that makes sense to you specifically. In order to have 100% you NEED all of you. Do it right the people you have you will never have to question. Do it wrong you'll keep questioning what's going wrong? We all feel justs that we dont all feel the same way about anything and everything. Now it's your turn. . . .

[Honesttguy]

Why dont you look for transgender men? at least they could relate more to what you go through. Also most people are not nice and sweet, and also the very fantasy of having special moment comes from stories and movies, it makes me feel like person is not met with real life yet and lives in this naive bubble, i dont mean it in bad way. I used to be nice and naive myself until i got kicked in my balls by life and kicked the shit out of me.
Im sorry for what happened to you, it's really sad. We can't change what happened to us we can only look forward and build something better. The faster you can build something better the less its gonna hurt from past. Still its gonna take time and effort. And I dont know what you're made off that answer is something only you can answer. God bless you.

[Anonymous]

You didn’t lose your virginity to him that night because you didn’t have sex that night. That wasn’t your first time because it wasn’t sex. Being raped is not having sex, it’s being abused. A virgin is someone who’s never had sex, you still had never had sex after that night.

[JohnK123]

Then why girls say when they got raped they lost their virginity (in the sense that nothing went yk yet they still say it)

[Daniela1982]

Oh please!

[ElizaPam]

Oh wow you're accusing me of being a troll. Since I can't prove this is really the problems I struggle with? I was really fucking broken hearted while I was typing this and crying. I can't afford actual help I do them real fast drugs to cope I'm sorry you think I find a story of a virgin girl being raped as a virgin at 18 by the man she thought she spent the past 5 years waiting for through the abuse of being transgender

[Daniela1982]

I didn't think you were trolling until you gave that one answer.
ElizaPam
7 d
I'm a hillbilly I live in a trailer and do drugs and I don't want to change. There ain't nothing I can do in D. C.

[ElizaPam]

That's literally what I am though I haven't slept since Saturday my life is a wreck, I have trauma, and I'll always be trapped in a physically male body. I cope by getting spun.

[Daniela1982]

If you stay high you never will get anyplace either.

[JohnK123]

U r correct once more did u see their confederate flag lmao

[FunkyMonkee]

I don't blame you! it's not like you'll ever get that back! In a way, I feel kinda the same. I gave mine up to a girl who, later, claimed she was just using me to make another guy jealous!
A VERY dear friend of mine got involved with one of those FB meetings and came here from Conn. (at least an 8 hour drive) at the age of 18 to be with him and, gradually learned that he was a FLAMING asshole!! He was actually well into his 30's but told her that he was only 23! And, although he didn't do it, she DID get raped in the process!! Her new "boyfriend" eventually found out about the rape and accused HER of cheating on him!!
Eventually, they got married and had 2 kids and then a divorce a couple years later and then she discovered that he'd been abusing the kids on his days with them and he now rots in jail because of it!

[Anonymous]

You are not a girl, the bible speaks of Sodom and Gomorrah (city of gays) and how God destroyed the city of gays, so you cannot become a mommy or a wife because you are not a true woman

[ElizaPam]

Why did I have to be born in the body of the corny, dumb, and boring sex that gets hairy and goes bald and has stupid, misogynistic, and just plain toxic ideas of what being a man is, how it makes them better than women, and how only a weak female cries.

I could never in a million years spend my life as a man. I'm not going to start being ashamed of my breasts and go off my medication so I get hairy, go bald, and get randomly throughout the day.

If I'm supposed to pretend to be a man to go to heaven just to pretend to be a man for all eternity... no thanks I'm going where I can be my true self and if that's hell then why did God make me like this?

The fact that you're a woman yet expect me to be the gender that is hairy, balding, boring as hell, and perpetually horny with an uncomfortable lump between they're legs... I bet you want me be a man and know nothing of what women experience in society and see you as a delicate little flower who needs protected and can't help but be childish and inferior it's in your nature as a female that's why God gave us authority over wives.

Lmao. That's not me. Never was be me, never will be. Manhood is corny as fuck and I don't see how you could expect anyone to be ok with that being their whole life. I'd rather never have existed than be that gender.

[Dargil]

When you find a lover you trust and share that with him, yes. He will have the responsibility to escort you into nurturing sexuality, but it CAN happen.

[John_Doesnt]

4/10 on the troll meter. When I troll I usually get a laugh out of people.

[ElizaPam]

Again I don't know why you think I'm a troll and I don't know why I think that but ok

[Waldoe]

eventually this "Open wound" will scab over... then it will heal, after that it will be sensitive to the touch... some day, it will just be a hard scar, with no feeling... it takes time to heal, and it Sucks...

[slatyb]

I’m sorry you had that experience. Sounds like you need to talk to someone.

[loveslongnails]

Well look at it this way - if you don't, he wins, and you let one, albeit tragic and traumatic act, ruin your life.

[Juxtapose]

You should really just go to therapy and work this out. Plenty of people are in your position.

[ElizaPam]

I literally can't afford neither the time nor money for professional help. Methamphetamine on the other hand I can afford. It's almost like people give it away because of how cheap and strong it is. Save a lot of money on groceries.

[Juxtapose]

Apply for disability then so they can get more time and money.

[ElizaPam]

I work

[Juxtapose]

You gotta do something and be proactive. Ice will only destroy your looks, health and then life.

[HaloGirl7777]

I'm so sorry to hear that but don't let your r***** over power your life , but I hope you let God in your heart and life, God loves you so much and you matter! God Bless!💖✝️🙏🏻👼🏼🕊💒

[JohnK123]

Did u see the persons background

[JohnK123]

Troll and don’t sympathize this person at all
they also have a confederate flag what a loser

[Sammielove]

Clear your mind, it wasn't your action. With time you will heal if you don't continue to feel the weakness.

[Deku2009]

Yeah it’s not easy to get over that.

[Deku2009]

It takes time to heal from such pain and a positive friend will help. I am a guy that except a girl regardless of her appearance and personality. I will treat you like any other girl.

[Anonymous]

Who raped you?