Will I ever stop crying because I randomly remember how I lost my virginity to rape?

Since I'm a transgender girl people were always so mean to me in school! Guys always made fun of me and said super mean stuff to hurt me! My friends were always so happy with their boyfriends and I thought that I would never be good enough for a guy to love. Why would a guy want me when he could have a normal girl?

Over the next 3 years I always dreamed of when it would finally be MY turn to smile really big from a guy loving me! He would take all the sadness from my heart and fill me with happiness and help me see that I'm JUST AS GOOD as the other girls no matter what! The sadness from my teen years would finally be over and I would be loved and feel special because God made an extra sweet guy just for me! I dreamed of how it was going to be when he took my virginity and gave me a super happy memory I could look back on and smile about for the rest of my life. It would finally be MY turn!!!

And then when I was 17 I met a 26 year old guy on Facebook and he really liked me!!! I found the extra sweet guy God made just for me because God wanted to see me with happy feelings too for once. It just ALL MADE SENSE!!! I had hurt super bad all through my teens from being treated mean. I thought God would want to balance it out! So I moved away 500 miles to be with the man of my dreams who will make everything ok.

But no he wasn't my extra sweet guy that God made just for me. After I kept telling him I'm not ready to give him my virginity he woke me up raping me. He stole the most precious moment of my life from me. Now instead of looking back on my first and smiling after 9 years I look back and cry. I can't stop crying. It's been 9 years and I'm all alone in my room crying because I'll never have a big reason to smile. I'll never have a first time that I was ready for with a sweet guy who thinks I'm just as good as the other girls. I'll never be a wife or a mommy. I'll NEVER be normal or even remotely good enough.
Will I ever stop crying because I randomly remember how I lost my virginity to rape?
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