Search Results: am i not pretty enough

Long story short, I started facing forced marriage threats from my dad since I was 5. It started with my parents telling me how they got married and that it is the norm in our culture. I was pretty much feeling really scared and anxious, so one night in 1st grade I couldn’t sleep from fear and anxiety, so went to looking for comfort from my parents (mind you they were still awake and chatting to each other).

I had this “you’re my parents you’re not going to do that to me right?” as my actual intention when confronting my parents, because as a kid I somehow understood all of the downside of forced marriage including marital rape—which now as a grown adult with a BSpsych + master in psychotherapy and training in working with forced marriage survivors/girls at risk, I can confirm my understanding back then was oddly correct and logical for a 5-year-old kid (which I got no idea how child me understood the concept so well just from reading and observation but adults didn’t?).

Anyways, continuing the story, instead of reassurance from my parents, what I got was my dad becoming furious, red, and started yelling about obedience because apparently I wasn’t “submissive” or “obedient enough” for a Asian little girl. I was constantly seen as a disrespectful brat because I wanted autonomy, and they are more than wrong, because revenge is the main thing that I aimed for.

I wasn’t just a disrespectful brat, I started having this desire to kill and to destroy anyone that attempted to hurt me especially and specifically my family. When i was 7 years old the plan was final, how i want to live my life, how i will destroy people involved if i were forced by my parents to marry, how much force would be appropriate, who to hurt and not to hurt,… back then i grieved my potentially muddy future, and now i grieve for my lost childhood.

Anyways, i’m interested if you had a normal childhood

So I was speaking to a guy for a while, he was really nice, really sweet and I was obsessed but mostly only when I was drunk. I felt bad for how I treated him and decided I wasn’t gonna speak to him or see him again. My pal pretty much forced into going on a night out with him by guilting me so I couldn’t say no. I went in this night out and right enough drunk me can’t control myself around him even though I can’t see him sober because I get scared of the age difference. So, again I am not speaking to him, and I have been avoiding him for over a month… my friend (who is one of my best friends) promised me he would not be at her birthday. She has left it until last second and said to me oh he’s coming by the way. So now I am panicking and I don’t really want to go but I’d be a bad friend if I bailed so now I am stuck going and I need to see him which I really really don’t think I can do without having a panic attack. Is it fair that she done that? Also what would you do in my position?