Can my boyfriend not ever compliment me because he’s not that into me and doesn’t wanna lie?

[Anonymous]

He never compliments me. Most he’ll say when I send a selfie is “cute,” but in person not once ever, except when I complimented him first a few times. I expressed to him that I would appreciate it at least once every few months and he wasn’t really open to it.

I asked if it’s accurate to say that he somewhat likes my looks, and he said yes. And also said at the start “he liked me enough to care a lot.”

I don’t know what to make of all this. I’m not at all overweight, I try to dress up when we go out. I have insecurities, but I think I’m pretty good looking, at least to not get a “somewhat” and “enough.”

[Anonymous]

A lot of men don’t compliment women really because it’s not something we’re used to. A lot of women do it all the time because they see that type of thing from their mom or other women I. Their life. We see what the men do in our lives. Some do crossover sure, but men aren’t really like that. Him complimenting you is him having his hands all over you, purchasing you things, taking care of your bills, etc, etc. You don’t understand a lot of men never receive compliments in their lifetime. I know some women are going to say I compliment my man all the time. Yes there’s always exceptions but a majority of men don’t. We don’t show our affection w workday, it’s usually through actions. It doesn’t come natural. Just because you think that way as do a majority of men doesn’t make the men wrong for not thinking that way. He’s not you. He’s not a female.

[Asker]

But not even once in person to at least say I look nice if he actually felt it? I mean, if the weather was nice, you’d comment something. So, what’s really the difference?

I don’t even want a lot of compliments cuz I’d find it cheesy and insincere, but here and there was all I asked for.

And even when I ask, he says “I like your face and body,” but it’s so flat. No passion in his words.

[Asker]

Also, guys compliment girls all the time. I had guys left and right sending compliments on my social media messages. So, I’m not sure why you say guys don’t do compliments..

[Opinion Owner]

Yes because those men are just trying to sleep w you. Men know what women want to hear but it doesn’t come as a natural thing for men to just be like that. Trust me you’re not a man so you don’t understand it just like I don’t understand things women do. That’s like men asking women to stop being emotional. Most likely not going to happen because women tend to be controlled by their emotions. Look at this website. You’re not the only female who’s saying this.

[Asker]

Okay, I understand that. But if guys can put in effort for sex, surely he could compliment me occasionally because he supposedly loves me…

[Opinion Owner]

Again complimenting you is more of what he does not what he says really. As I mentioned before you’re not a man so you don’t operate in that way.

[InknKink]

This is a known factor for men.

If you go into a relationship as one thing and later bend to accommodate the person your in said relationship with, you'll quickly loose her interest by disproving your own self worth.

He won you over by presenting himself as a certain person, and whether you realize it or not, if he now presented himself as someone else, you'd loose respect for him.

[Asker]

Not really. I’d love him even more if he was willing to do it for me, especially since it’s a pretty easy request. But he acted like I asked him to solve world hunger.

[InknKink]

Not really what? You fell for him to because of "X" but it's now okay to be "Y'. That's a shit test all women do and it never works out for the guy who bends. You would loose respect for him if he compromised himself for your satisfaction.

[Asker]

I wouldn’t lose respect. I’d really appreciate it. Even in the beginning I said I’d like it.

[InknKink]

I understand where you're coming from and I don't want to come outright and tell you you don't know what you like, because who the fuck am I? But at the same time, what we want and what we like in relationships is often obscured.

I mean, what really pulls us towards someone? Why do we feel attracted to someone when we know almost nothing about them? Why do we often fall for people who are toxic for us? What pulls us towards someone?

Truth is, we don't know what we want or like. Not really. If we did know, then our first relationship would be our only relationship. We'd get things right the first time, every time.

It's easy to say we would appreciate something in a relationship, but then when we get it, there is a hollowness or emptiness to it. We don't get the satisfaction we thought we would.

You said you liked being complimented at the start of the relationship, but despite that, here you are months later, and you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't readily hand out compliments.

From the framework of a man, when you present yourself as someone and get positive feedback, which is what you've given him (actions and results over words), he cannot later change the make-up of who he is because you ask him.

I can promise you he has tried exactly that, as has every young man in dating, and it has NEVER had a positive outcome. When you compromise yourself women loose respect. Stay the course.

[Stevepro68]

Someone not giving you your emotional and physical needs in a relationship will never change you need to love on unfortunately. He betting conscious or subconsciously that you aren't aware of your personal value and as long as he keeps you unaware you won't leave..

[OneViewpoint]

If this guy isn't what you want, why are you wasting your time trying to change him when he clearly doesn't even care enough to make an effort to be courteous with a simple compliment that costs him nothing?

[Asker]

Well, I don’t think I will continue the relationship, but I do wonder if I should just accept it since lately we’ve been good otherwise.

[OneViewpoint]

How many things are you willing to compromise? Ever consider you may end up resenting then hating this guy? Do you really need to be with someone THAT much.

[Asker]

He does think I hate him sometimes. We even had a rough start because after our first kiss, I asked him how it was and he said “eh…” and when I asked him to elaborate, he said “cuz you have small lips.” It was my first kiss ever too, so it stung and we were in bad terms cuz of it for a while.

[OneViewpoint]

Your age is 30-35 and that was your first kiss ever? Holy crap. You're a late bloomer.

This guy sounds like he's trying too hard to play the "cool dude, doesn't really give a shit" impression. I'm betting he's been hurt before and he's determined to never give any woman that power over him again. Or, he's just incredibly socially retarded and immature with zero awareness or empathy. I'll say it again. Get out. You are setting yourself up for misery.

[Asker]

Yeah, but it was by choice.

He has said he’s been hurt before and can’t open up the same way. And when he told me he loved me, I did deny it for a while because it seemed too soon — not in terms of texting, but in terms of being together in person (since we have mostly been long-distance). So, he kinda resents me for that, and for the fact that I want to end the relationship whenever I feel emotionally uncared for. But he also does seem to be somewhat immature, and maybe lacking awareness.

The thing is, in person we have quite a good time together. But through text, it’s just a mess. I don’t know if it’s miscommunication or what, since he doesn’t know English too, too well.

[BarryLiverstone]

Is he into women? Like when he’s being romantic what does he say

[Asker]

Why? Does it sound like he isn’t? He seems really into me sexually when we’re together. He doesn’t say too much romantically, honestly. But he calls and texts me all the time and can be more generally sweet.

[BarryLiverstone]

Because if he’s not attracted to you and doesn’t give you any compliments then it doesn’t seem like he’s into you. If he’s using you sexually then you can decide if that’s enough for you or not

[Asker]

No, he’s not using me sexually. We are in a relationship and he wants a family with me.

By what he said, it does sound like he’s not that attracted to me?

[BarryLiverstone]

By what you said, he’s not into you much. But you may have missed the compliments he does tell you?

[Asker]

Just “cute” when I send a selfie or if I ask if he finds me attractive. He’ll also say he likes my face and body during those times that I kinda push him to tell me. But it always sounds so flat, whatever he says about my looks.

[BarryLiverstone]

If it sounds flat, then you could share examples of what kind of romantic gestures you would enjoy. Whether it’s poems or books or movie clips, and explain why that matters to you

[Asker]

He used to write me poetry in the beginning. I asked once what he likes about me back then, and he listed very nice things about my personality, character, talents; but for looks, just a “cute” then too lol

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok. Maybe you are just cute then to him. If he doesn’t think you std beautiful but he can show you other women he finds really attractive you can understand his views right?

[Asker]

Well, being just cute for him kinda hurts. But still, I’m only asking for a “you look nice” or something. Just a little acknowledgement that he notices me.

[BarryLiverstone]

Yes. I understand what you are asking for. In a sense you need to train him. Now he’s not a pet so that’s not quite it, but you do need to set expectations and share some examples of what you would like. Expecting him to just spontaneously start doing this isn’t logical. Does that make sense?

[Asker]

I have shared examples with him. I was clear. I said, I want something like “you look nice” or “I’m so happy to be with you.” I said I want it like once every few months if he can, and I want it to be in person or videocall, not just through text.

Isn’t that clear?

[BarryLiverstone]

Go ahead and follow me on here. Yes that’s clear from your perspective. But from his side, he’s trying to be honest and it’s where the confusion lies between you two

[Asker]

I think he thinks I’m trying to control him or something, possibly… And then he also says I’m not that verbally affectionate either. And he says it’s just not him and he’s never been that way. And he says I ask for too much, which I don’t think I do. Etc, etc.

[BarryLiverstone]

It’s emotions vs logic.. classical miscommunication. Like I said follow me and I’ll explain the details. And why he’s speaking Martian.

[Asker]

Okay, I followed

[BarryLiverstone]

Good job