What was dating like for you as an introvert, because I struggle a lot?

[Anonymous]

am (23M) and i am introvert. I had one relationship when i was like 16, it was very short and since then nothing. I am not kind of introvert who stays home all the time and has no social life. I go out a lot, i have loads of friends, both male and female. I like to go to parties, boys trips and stuff. But i like my alone time more than anything. After a day at work i like to be alone. I am not talkative. I often don’t know what to talk about with people in work that are same age as me, sometimes even with my friends and with attractive girls it is a huge problem. I have always been okay with being single. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand. I know i will be okay. But lately i notice everyone around me is getting into relationships or is hooking up and me nothing. The truth is i have never really put much effort into it. The girls i kissed, it was always like that they were attracted to me and chased me a little. I think i am pretty decent looking. People told me so, but mostly guys😂. I am still a bit insecure about myself. Maybe thats what holds me back. I would say i am picky, honestly i dont meet many girls that i would say wow, but i live in a small town so that is maybe the reason. Maybe i haven’t been motivated enough to go and approach random girls. But i dont like the cold approaching. I have never done that. I feel much better when someone introduces me or we somehow start talking at a party or something. I know practise makes you better but i dont know, i feel that i am so bad at this. Maybe i am not even that scared, i can take when a random girl turns me down, but i am always thinking like what would i say to her. And honestly i dont know what. I would run out of things to say. I honestly dont know what to talk about with people. I am maybe too stuck in my own head. But i know i will be okay with being single forever. I got dreams and goals that i chase that make me go forward and those goals are the most important thing to me.

[InknKink]

I'm an introvert and first just let me say, that introversion does not mean you cannot connect with people and have good meaningful conversations. Introversion is not an obstacle in dating.

Some women like loud and outgoing, while others like calm introspective men. It's a fair split down the middle.

But it sounds like you already know your problem, and it's your communication skills.

Small talk is not a difficult thing to learn but it's also not something strong introverts tend to learn naturally on their own. You have to actively set out to do it.

My best advice in that regard is just to do it and don't worry about saying anything in particular. Small talk doesn't have to be funny, witty, or insightful. That 90s and early 2000s bullshit cold approach stuff every self proclaimed pickup artists were spewing is diarrhea.

It's as simple as going, "Hello, I'm Brandon, what's your name?", "How do you know the host", "What brings you to this party", etc.

That's honestly it.

Where you go from there simply depends on the responses you get. Having conversations is a two way process. After a cold introduction you just need to actively listen and ether add more to the conversation based on what was said, or ask follow up questions.

Active listening is the key.

Also, don't be afraid to take a few second of silence during a conversation. Look around the room and process what the other person said before spitting out a response. Silence is a powerful tool when conversing as an introvert. Often, others will attempt to fill that silence so that you don't always need to be the one to do it.

If the conversation then gets awkward and dies out, then just excuse yourself and move on to another person. "it was nice meeting you, but I see someone else I should go and say hello too"...

You don't need to take sole responsibility for a conversation.

A cold approach doesn't need to last an hour. I often get in and out before the other person ever even notices that the drink I'm holding is just for show.

Another tip is to always work on remember names. You can always return back later to someone who the conversation died with and see if things don't pick up better the second time around.

When you've already introduced yourself once, approaching a second time using their given name, "Hey Shannon, I thought I saw you standing over here. How's your night going, anything exiting happen?" etc. It'll sometimes creates familiarity with them making things easier.

And last peace of advice is think up some stories or things you've done or experienced and write them down on paper. As an introvert you spend so much time in your head that you don't always end up thinking in language models that convey things well to others. In writing them down, It'll often help sort things in a more articulable way for using in future conversations.

p. s. you will not be happy if you end up single forever. That is a lie you tell yourself. You're human, and despite being an introvert, you have social, romantic, and physical needs that have to get filled to be a healthy and happy person.

Work on fixing you communication skills. Not only will it help you get the romantic relationships you want, it'll help out in all aspects of life. And it's not nearly as daunting at you believe it to be.

[WhitneySnow]

I agree with you. I like my alone time and my boyfriend gives it to me when I need it. I am very good at pretending to be extroverted when I feel the need or the desire to socialize with people.

[Kaneki05]

I am the kind of introvert who stays home all the time and has no social life, so... yes nothing is happening lol