Search Results: really love

So Im in my freshman year of college and I met this guy who i befriended with that we also hungout everyday whether alone or with friends. So, within the three months of fall semester, him and I got really close. Im not one who likes when people invade my space or touch me but I was comfortable with him. We always would talk in groups about how we're both not ready to date and how the timing for dating people is important. Basically during these we were ignoring how each of us felt or possibly felt. I often made the mistake of starting the conversation because that was how i truly felt at the time so i would forget that he could possibly like me and he would just agree.

So we were friends, he would hold my hand as a joke and laugh but eventually it stopped being like a joke and he just held it and he would often brush my hair back behind my ear and always like to be near and subtlety touch me or always felt the need to be in my space. There was a time where we were waiting for our friend since she had a late class in the evening so him and i sat on the bench and talked for a bit and when i looked over to him he was giving me these eyes and leaned in for a kiss and i was stunned but then my friend walked and saw us asking what we were doing.

A month later i saw on his snapchat story that a bee was flying around him and I replied to his story saying, "They love you." and then he proceeded to respond saying that he loved me. This is my first time ever being told I love you so i pretended i didn't see it and talked about something else. I was scared that he was just joking around again. The whole time this situationship was happening I was unsure of how I felt about him since he definitely didn't fit my boyfriend standards since he was quite selfish and immature which is the complete opposite of what I look for in a man. I dont talk to him anymore since we got into an argument, he told me he loved me but left when things got bad, is it possible he liked me that way?

30f and I really can’t tell if I’m inevitably single because I don’t want a relationship or it’s a case of self sabotage. Within the past few years, the only attention I’ve gotten from attractive guys were on dating apps. But that should be taken with a grain of salt, I feel like compared to the average woman, I don’t get attention from quality guys in person. I’m pretty shy and tend to speak when spoken to, on top of bad anxiety, I’ll say I question if women can relate to my lack of sex drive. I haven’t had sex since my early twenties/don’t masturbate and couldn’t care less if I died a virgin, will feel some kind of way if I’ve never found love though.

It’s as if I want the reassurance I’m desirable (from what seems like decent men) vs actually going out on dates, I’m insecure but wouldn’t just go for anyone that gives me the time of day. I just don’t get why it can’t ever go my way w/ the OLD apps, it’s likely bad luck but a pattern of: ghosting, fizzling out, the convo not flowing to my expectations & I dip out, just lack of interest (can go both ways) etc. I’m attracted to men, I really don’t think id date a woman but something about men at the same time turns me off (physically & personality wise). Like almost every woman I've known has been boy crazy since they were pre-teens and I never got it, I thought they were exaggerating or I was a late bloomer. Well here I am 2 decades later, my closest thing to boy crazy were celebrity crushes.

Am I looking for excuses to justify being single? Is it simply a case of being unlucky? Is there more to unpack here? Or is the right guy all it takes for it to fall into place?