Search Results: getting out of touch with friends

Throughout my life I have had great difficulty connecting with people. Platonically or otherwise. I have only ever had a small number of friends and never really had any friends of the opposite sex. My family is great and I love them, but I even have trouble connecting with them and am not in touch consistently. I barely made a social media this year and it's private followed only by family and a couple random people from work. Being alone is depressing sometimes, but overall I tend to prefer solitude and cannot imagine ever sharing my personal space closely with another human being. Especially since my mother passed a couple years ago. I believe most of the reason for this difficulty is due to being physically unattractive, maybe even genuinely ugly as well as being extremely socially awkward which is another form of ugliness that people tend to loath. I'm extremely skinny too and cannot gain weight, it's impossible for my acutely ectomorphic body type. Especially after getting a very late in life (age 30) type 1 diabetes diagnosis. I have tried many times and many ways throughout my life and wether I eat 1500 calories or 5k, my body barely changes at all. Only my energy level. Feels like being alone is my destiny and was always meant to be. I am positive most people could not handle the life I live. Not mentally or emotionally so it feels like I was born for this existence only.

So we're both 17, very close friend, she is very shy, we go home together almost every day, now she wants me come with her in the mornings too cuz we get in the same bus.

So, when we first met 3 years ago, she used to touch my shoulder every time she told me something, pulled my backpack to let me know she was there. She also fell on me by accident quite a lot. We were awkward at that stage and she once talked about exs to let me know she never dated, then asked if sb in my old class was my girlfriend (she wasn't). She also tried taking a selfie of us just as she said she doesn't have enough storage and hugged me when I was down. She also threw a surprise party on my bday.

One year passed. We could now talk about anything. This time, she was more confident and also shared more info about herself. She stopped bumping into me, pulling my backpack. Now, she was twirling her hair or playing with her straps when she saw me. She also pretended not to see me when walking close to me but slowed down a lot until I reached her to go: "Oh, hi!". She got me an eclair for my bday.

Yet another year went by. She is always very interested in my well being, always over-apologizing. She once did something bad after I helped her and went 2 hours over her bedtime texting to make sure everything was ok. After I said that I was happy to have spent the day with her and that life is about choosing what makes you happy, she texted "If life is about choices", "You chose well 🙃".

She is curious about my past. When she sits next to me, her legs are crossed, one of them towards me, wiggling it. Her head on her arm resting on that leg. When we're together, we're close enough for our hands to touch and she always compliments me saying "You're very smart" or "You're really mature compared to me". Recently, she got all hyped up (blushing, asking if she can tell her family, smiling a lot) when I told her about sb in love thinking it was me to then go nothing u can do when I told her it's a friend.