Why do guys say they want to be friends with you and then don't do friend-like things?

[Anonymous]

There is this guy I've been hanging out with for about 3 months and he established from the beginning that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship he wanted to be just friends ( he told me that because I'm a natural flirt and he thought I was trying to pursue him romantically, which wasn't the case lol). Within the first month of hanging out, he would flirt back with me a little, and eventually, he started to invite me over to his place to chill, that's all we did until we started to get touchy-feely and it would be him initiating more. It went from shy little touches to cuddling then kissing and then we started getting more sexual with each other but we never actually did the deed, he never let it get that far. He's also very gentle with me, I like to bother him a lot cause he's so calm and he never complains, he just smiles and laugh lol. He looks at me with so much admiration and always smiling when he's around me and never on his phone when we're together which I loveeee. When I need something he always tries to make time to help me even though he's almost always busy. there's so much more I can say, But besides the point. Why at first he says he wants to be just friends and then turns around and act like he likes me more than a friend?

I'm not sensitive so don't hold back on y'all opinions lol. And please no sarcastic comments like I'm supposed to know the answer or something. It's obtuse to think someone thinks like you.😊

[ProbablyClueless]

I think it's a labels thing, honestly. "Friendships" are easier for people with commitment issues to approach mentally, so they'll call a very romantic relationship a friendship as a way to emotionally disconnect and protect themselves if they need to cut something off.

[Asker]

I've thought of it that way and I believe that may be the reason. He's very protective of his feelings from what I observe. And it took a little minute for him to trust me and were still building trust to this day, but it's improved a lot.

[ProbablyClueless]

Yeah... I mean... on one hand, I do kind of get it, but on the other hand; someone who feels that strongly really shouldn't be dating. If you have to trick yourself into feeling okay to be vulnerable with someone, you just shouldn't getting into romantic entanglements.

[Asker]

Not sure what you mean by tricking vulnerability. You have to watch who you trust because people are quick to turn on you. I myself am still learning to trust him cause we only known each other for 3 months. People can change in an instant. We're both from rough areas where people are known for switching up and betraying you, just to get a step ahead of you.

[ProbablyClueless]

He's not tricking vulnerability; he's tricking himself to feel comfortable with being vulnerable. That's a very different thing. You're being a lot more understanding of this then you should be.

The reason he's telling you he wants a friendship instead of a relationship (even though he's acting like he wants a relationship) is because he is too emotionally immature to give you what you want/need, but he wants to take what you are willing to give him. So the "friendship" allows him to get as close with you as you will allow him, without giving you the opportunity to expect anything of him in return.

[Sofargone93]

Because he wants to know who you really are and have fun with you in the process. If he can initiate sexual stuff and then stop himself.. that's because he respects you. Now the real question is how do you feel about him being a gentleman towards you? Do you look at him the same way as day 1 or are have you found a soft spot for him.😅

[spartan55]

You are acting the same way he is... so I don't get what you are asking.

[Asker]

Did you fully read what I wrote? We were just supposed to be friends and hang out. To clarify, HE initiated physical contact. And I'm not gonna deny his touch he is attractive lol. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[Asker]

And yes I was flirting, but I'm a natural flirt with almost everyone. Even my girlfriends.

[spartan55]

Yeah, I read it. And it still makes no sense. I like your "I'm a natural flirt" shield you use to do whatever you want. You are just as responsible for the situation. But of course you aren't being accountable for anything. Doesn't matter if he initiated contact. You went along with it

[Asker]

If you read it you would see that my question was why do guys say they want to be friends and do non-friendly things. He could of stayed how he was and not do anything. He didn't go by his word of just staying friends. What did I do? My flirting is verbal not physical and I don't say anything crazy enough for him to do what he's doing. So your point?

[Asker]

And I went along with it cause I can?

[spartan55]

Do what he's doing? He's not doing anything. Your flirting is 'verbal not physical'... so you didn't kiss him, cuddle, etc? Because you said you did. You also said he initiated MORE, which means you were initiating too... just double talkin left and right. Now you are getting all righteous saying he 'didn't go by his word'. Neither did you, so stop acting like you are all innocent.

[Blueeyes81]

It may be he's attracted to you but doesn't view you as a romantic interest. In my 20s I had several female friends that I didn't want a relationship with but didn't mind if we fooled around.

[Asker]

Mmmh ok ok, I see what you mean. It's just at first it didn't even seem like he wanted to do anything at all. When he started to cuddle me I was shocked lol.