Experiences on dating men with a very low self-esteem?

[Anonymous]

Hi all, I'm a straight woman in 30s and 2 weeks ago I started dating an ex collegue of mine, we used to work for the same company 7 years ago but we never actually met each other. We matched on Bumble and that's how it all started. Had a lot common topics, hobbies, sense of humour, mutual friends and old times to talk about. I always did find him attractive but never thought much of it, and once we met now it was just perfect. Since then we kept in touch every day and went on 3 very long dates. It all escallated pretty quickly, we had sex and we agreed to keep getting to know each other. Well, I did got to know him and I realized that he's a self-loathing guy with very low confidence that he hides in his jokes and looks. He is 35, has a good job, lives on his own, has friends, and he has a really good reputation from that company he we worked at. But for some reason he hates himself and is making that very obvious. He complains about silly things, he is insecure, jealous, and honestly quite selfish when it comes to being remotely interested in my day or my hopes and dreams, it's all about him; from where we go, what we do, what we listen or watch. We talked few days ago about it and he admitted he has a problem but that he's working on it, and now he pulled away. I don't know what to think about it because how can someone work on it? I'm not a therapiest but how does one go from selifsh to caring, and love someone when you don't even love yourself? I love myself very much and I believe I deserve all the greatest things, but that mindset took a long time to develop, and I was like 24 already when I got there. He ain't there yet. On the other hand, I don't know him well enough in his day-to-day life yet to judge if he could change, because I know some people sometimes just need to feel loved. It's early but I do care about him and compliment him a lot. And flirt a lot. But it isn't going good...

[SotiCoto]

Don't expect there to be any sort of practical solution to this sort of thing.

Someone with a consistently low self-image will generally be impervious to any and all attempts to uplift it. Flirting and complimenting is absolutely not going to work at all... and it might just lower his opinion of you (because you are consistently disagreeing with his own self-assessment) rather than raising his own.

Either you can learn to put up with it, or you can't and you give up on him. That is about all you can hope for. Well, I mean you could encourage him to get therapy, I guess... but I wouldn't do that, so I'm not sure if he would.

[DarkWinterNights]

Well I wouldn’t say it’s unsalvageable. Depending on his history it may just be he just hasn’t really had an opportunity to mature in certain areas. You can try to build him up a little, but he needs to be the one to make the necessary changes. If I were you, my emotional investment in the relationship would mirror his effort to improve.

[IslaTheWitch]

Suggest him therapy and help find a specialist and support. But with dating, wait until he sees and understands his problem, at least...

[HateyouxD]

Ehh sounds like he wants you to chase him.. if that's your thing

[KrakenAttackin]

You want to understand the source of self -hating men?

Well, men are told 24/7 that we are all rapist, idiots, dangerous, disposable, replaceable, interchangeable, expendable; and that we have little individual value.

We have a generation+ of boys/men who have been raised by ultra-toxic single mothers. These "heroic" single mothers simply cannot teach boys how to be men, and these women never cared to rectify this.

[IslaTheWitch]

Not all men were told that, and not every single mother is toxic...

[KrakenAttackin]

@IslaTheWitch Oh really? Take a quick look at television commercials, shows, sit coms, rom comes, etc. Men are always portrayed at idiots and masculinity is always portrayed as "toxic".

I also will insist that a woman cannot teach a boy how to be a man.

[IslaTheWitch]

I don't watch TV, just ordinary people around me. No man I meet feels like an idiot. They laugh, talk, work, rest... do everyday things.

Generalization kills this world...

[KrakenAttackin]

@IslaTheWitch Come to the U. S. Our culture doesn't value men at all.

[IslaTheWitch]

@KrakenAttackin I know many men in the US, and none of them feels like you described it. So I think it's more of an individual thing. And yes, I will come to the US later this year :D

[ProbablyClueless]

Dating people with low self esteem is just asking for problems. They'll constantly be doubting you. Questioning everything. Everyone will secretly be trying to flirt with you.

Don't go there. It'll be exhausting if you do.

[Lara_Croft]

1) Repent and believe in the Gospel John 3 vs 16 2) Break up with him, you obviously see he isn't husband material at the moment 3) Song of Solomon 4 vs 7

[JHAYES317]

I have extremely low self esteem, but if anything it has the opposite effect, I am less selfish and work hard to please whoever I’m dating because I see myself as inferior to most other men.

[Paul09]

Maybe he needs a push in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone. Come back when/if you're ever capable of having a higher opinion of him.

[Roudyrebel8]

Never dated a man