Search Results: let go

I never had anyone have my back, growing up, and i recognized that my lack of allies meant I'd be seen as an easy target, so I got really big, and I'd never fight fair.

For instance, one kid started a fight with me and threw a few punches, I smashed my elbow into his jaw as hard as I could and threw him down. As he got up, I lifted my right leg up and stomped his face onto the wood floor as hard as I could, forcing him to lay there.

Needless to say, nobody put their hands on me again for quite a while when they saw that. I did this because I felt if I can't protect myself with numbers, if I engage in such cruel methods of self defense which leave the opponent hurt so much worse than me, people will be too afraid of me to try that again.

Medication I had to take to survive also made my fingernails grow very fast, I used this to my advantage. For instance, one girl tried to cut the line to sign out for the bathroom. She grabbed the pen, I sank my nails deep into her hand and slid them down, forming a gash in her hand. This made her let go and recoil, calling me insane as she observed her bleeding hand.

I hated this girl all my life, she had a big mouth and thought she could screw with me because she was tall, this incident reminded her that while she's 6'1", she weighed well under 100 pounds and I was already 180 pounds and lean at that point.

I did this because I believed i could never let anyone have even the tiniest little inch, or others will see it and think I'm an easy target cause I had no friends. She tried to cut me in front of the class, so I stood up for myself and let it be known to everyone that I will not tolerate even the smallest bit of messing with me.

As for those who tried to physically bully me, I never bothered fighting fair, I'd claw at their eyes with my long, curved fingernails if I was in a headlock. On many cases, I put my nails into their eyes before they let go, horrified at my brutal methods. How did you do?

All my life, I reacted to bugs the same way, which is to squash them at the first sight of them. I've only ever let bees go but if they land on me, I don't think, I just squash.

I've had girls when I was young literally cry over me killing an ant, and I'm like "it's a bug, not a dog". Only 1 student agreed that killing an ant doesn't matter.

I have a girlfriend and she got angry with me when I told her of this. She gave the old adage of "pick it up", i am not touching a bug and putting it outside just ensures that they come back in with friends, the next day, making the infestation 10 times worse in hours instead of stepping on it now and calling it a day.

Am I the a-hole?

To me, the idea of eating with others is far more foreign than eating alone could ever be to most people, or at least that's the vibe I'm getting.

As a kid, my father got home 2-3 hours before my mother did, leaving my brother and I to eat with my dad. My father provided for me, but that's all he did, he never helped raise me, teach me, all he did was insult, threaten and scold me and my mother at every opportunity.

My brother was the son he wanted and I'm the one he wishes he didn't have, that's how he's made me feel every day since I was born.

For this reason, I started taking food to my room to stay away from him. In school, the noise and frequent rejection from others pushed me to find a teacher willing to let me and a few others eat in a room away from the cafeteria. Even then, I never went to talk, I went because I didn't like my classmates and didn't like being around them.

I never felt welcome or belonging, only 2 people ever made me feel anything but unwanted. For all these reasons, eating alone was pretty much the only way to eat.

It has been 16 years since I sat at a table with just my parents and brother, and I will never eat with my father alone, and I'm sorry to say that I really do mean that.

In high school, I ate at the table closest to the door, I ate fast, usually just a couple minutes. I didn't talk to anyone, I just ate, took my enzymes and went to the courtyard to throw the football. I'd accepted that aside from throwing a football outside, me and others just weren't ever going to have any kind of relationship, discussion, we were never going to spend time together, so I kept to myself, and frankly, I was as annoyed with their presence as they were with mine. So the hatred was very mutual

As you've noticed, I've been more open but still, I have no shortage of hesitation to change eating from a necessary refueling of the body to a social environment.

But I'll get there. Is eating a social event for you?