Before anyone gets the wrong idea: no, I’m not talking about sexual dominance – that’s a completely different story so if you clicked for that reason, move along.
Alright, let’s just say this from the very beginning so we’re all on the same page: it is pretty well-known by most people that a domineering personality (in a man or potential partner) is often romanticized and desired by a good number of women. However, I still see many takes and questions regarding just what it is exactly that makes such a trait so appealing. In reading people's responses, I began to realize something: a lot of men and women are misconstruing their perception of the “dominant trait.”
Almost every answer goes like this:
“I want a dominant guy, but not a controlling one who won’t let me make decisions. Just a guy that can take control but still be sweet and who listens to what I have to say too.”
Naturally, a lot of guys are left pretty confused by such an indecisive answer, primarily because most of our heads are filled with what little we know about captain-rape-train Christian Grey or any other overly-domineering media icon. Essentially we only have the overly romanticized perception of dominance rather than the more realistic (and what I believe to be the more COMMONLY desired) leader type. I genuinely believe that a lot of men and women are mistaking the desire for leadership and confidence for a dominant nature.
Fantasy vs. Reality, folks. ^
A leader leads, but he isn’t so self-absorbed to think that he’s the only one capable of doing so and typically is pretty democratic – meaning he is going to value your opinions when it comes down to things like his actions or the decision making process. I believe many of the mistakes people are making is assuming that someone who initiates things, is naturally forward and confident with the ability to make solid decisions insinuates that this person is classified solely as dominant. Now, if we were going by the traditional definition of dominant, it would be easy to see where things are getting misconstrued:
Ruling, governing, or controlling; having or exerting authority or influence:
Dominant in the chain of command.
Now, most women don’t want to be controlled or governed, generally speaking of course. But you will always find women who like the idea of a man unafraid to assert himself; it’s a very commonly desired trait because it exudes confidence, stability and a more traditional view of masculinity. While these are desirable traits for some, that doesn’t mean that a woman wants to lose her independence or feel she doesn’t have a say in what goes on within a relationship, which isn’t very consistent with the truer definition of a dominance. This, ladies and gents, is why I believe women truly want leadership:
The position or function of a leader, a person who guides or directs a group:
He managed to maintain his leadership of the party despite heavy opposition.
Leadership is one of the many valuable qualities a woman may truly be seeking in a partner, a trait she may have mistaken for a dominant nature. I think more women really want somebody who is able to handle a situation and lead when the time calls for it, not somebody who absolutely insists on having primary control over EVERYTHING. They want somebody who isn’t afraid to pick the destination while still being willing to listen to their offering of direction:
“Alright, let’s go to the olive garden.”
“Okay, but let’s sake ___ street, it’ll be a lot faster!”
“Good idea, I’ll grab my keys.”
Somehow, I doubt any woman would want to hear:
“We’re going to the olive garden.”
“Oh, okay, but we should take ___ street, it’ll be a lot faster.”
“We’re not going that way, we’re going to take ____ to avoid traffic.”
“But we won’t run into any if we just…”
“I know what I’m talking about, let’s go.”
Mind you, not everybody who has a tendency to be more dominant is necessarily going to be that much of a douche, but if you take it in the context of the romanticized ideal of dominance (the pin you down and do the dirty to you regardless of your rebuttle kind of dominance) it’d probably sound pretty close to that. So, it’s quite important to understand the difference between a man with the ability to be a leader and a man who wants to be in control as much as possible with little to no quarrel. It helps to eliminate the idea that all women want is controlling, bad boy asshole types while helping men realize that they don’t have to live up to a ridiculous standard as long as they understand the difference – something I encourage women to do as well. You don’t want more than you bargained for after all, am I right?
Thanks as usual folks for taking the time to read this very random take, I hope you enjoyed it and found it insightful.
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