How to handle a coworker after we hooked up

[Anonymous]

A co-worker and I had an brief affair. We both knew it was wrong but there was so much sexual tension between us that we tried hooking up. We have hooked but never got to the point of having sex but was close to it. Since our last encounter he seems to be avoiding me. We were good friends before this started and now it seems he is giving me the cold shoulder. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him as a friend and would rather keep our friendship and put the past in the past. I am not sure what to do. Please help.

[Anonymous]

I've been in this situation before as well. I handled it very immaturely by ignoring the person and pretending that she doesn't exist. If she ask me questions I'll keep it to one word answers. If I see her around I don't make eye contact with her. Basically avoid her as much as I can, not go out of my way, but still avoid her as much as possible. I do that because she was the one that put a stop to it and that really hurt me. No offense to one of the posters below, but for me it was emotional and it was not about the sex. I actually wanted to pursue the relationship but she could not leave her bf. I act this way because I honestly just cannot even look her in the eye anymore because I cannot stand the pain and emotional ups and downs I went through. The less interaction I have with her, the easier it is for me to move on and get through my day. And no offense to her either, but I don't want to remain friends after how much I was hurt by all of it. My friends are there for me to have fun, and it's far from fun to be reminded of all that. It's especially hard when the break up wasn't mutual because I will always like her as more than just a friend.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't hold your breath that he will still be your friend after all this. Hope my own experience and my perspective helps you understand what might be going through his mind.

[Asker]

Thank you for your openness and honesty. reading your comment was very helping and eye opening. for us I don't think there is any attachement and neither one of us wanted anything romantic out of it. at least I feel that way. the only hard part being at work is knowing that he is around and will inact with others and not me but hopefully things will get better. I want to reach out but I don't want to seem over-bearing and needy. thanks again

[Opinion Owner]

When I hear her voice from across the room, it still shears right through my heart. I guess I'm taking it pretty hard. But for what it's worth I've made a move on another co-worker before that and now we're still talking to each other. Mind you she put a stop to it before anything actually happened. I guess maybe that's why I'm still on good terms with her. It really depends on how attach I was I guess.

[Alpha228]

Hey, I have been in the same situation exactly, can you tell me how things turned out to be for you, I really wanna know cuz im stuck now and feel very uncomfortable I would appreciate your answer.

[bobair]

I've hooked up with many of my female friends, even some who were married, and so I speak from experience when I say this...

If it was a mistake, learn from it, forgive yourself, then let it go.

If he's giving you space right now then he's likely trying to do that same thing. Give him space, but stay friendly.

Sometimes we confuse sexual attraction for the intimacy our current relationships lack... but this doesn't mean we need to destroy the lives we're living to realize this. Perhaps this short fling has helped open his eyes up to his current lover, and perhaps it can do the same thing for you.

I'm still great friends with my past flings, mostly because I refused to judge her or myself afterward. When he's ready to start chatting again, he will. And when he sense you're not awkward about the whole thing, you'll both get along just fine!

Best of luck,

~ Robby

Full of Hate and Ready to Date? My Blog: link

[deaconess]

it's like reading my own story. same exact thing happened to me. we are both married though. I think the initial flirting was just exciting for both of us. I think both your guy and mine probably shied off because they realized that their significant other is who they really want to be with and didn't want to jeopardize it. it's the first time I had ever even thought of cheating. he may/may not have. I didn't and now I'm glad because I realize it was just the "hunt" he was getting a thrill from. back off. don't ask him why. don't be the needy chic at work that won't leave him alone. it's hard. you'll go through a "mourning" period because you lost that emotional connection, but don't be fooled, it is never emotional for guys.. only sexual. there is no such thing as guy/girl friendships. if someone says there are, they're lying to themselves.

[Asker]

In the beginning it was just flirting with us as well. it started out innocent flirting and then it got heavier. we would talk a lot about what we wanted to do with each other. of course he talked about how much he loves his g/f. I knew there would never be a relationship between us but I guess we both got off on the thrill of the whole thing. this was the first time I ever thought of cheating and did-even thought we only kissed I know it is still cheating.

[Asker]

After reading your comment and thinking back it does seem like it was just a hunt for him. he hunted and caught me and then got a taste and now doesn't see the thrill anymore. I defintely don't want to be the needy chic and that is why I have not emailed or texted. I want to see if he will do it first. I am a little upset and as you said lost that emotional connection but I am sure in time it will pass. thanks again

[Anonymous]

Honestly, your friendship is gone now. Look, he's giving you the cold shoulder. he's just being a d***head to be perfectly blunt. He obviously doesn't want anything to do wit you and has just given you the biggest snub ever! I have been given cold shoulder too-its really hurtful and you don't deserve it! I've learnt that its best just to move on asap! Don't even think of this creep-you deserve much better. why would you even want to be friends with him after he was avoiding you? honestly you can do so much better.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh don't ask him or talk to him about this cold shoulder thing!(no matter what other girls say here)that is going to look so bad! keep your dignity and walk away wit ur head held high

[Reeses-pieces777]

maybe he wants something more than friends. there was a girl at my old place of work who did hook up and have sex with this guy but they both wanted a relationship and he didn't stop talking to her until she told her not to . maybe it's because he was actually serious and not just wanting a friendship

[enlightenment]

tell him...kinda corner him or just show up at his desk so he can't make a scene. Tell him exactly that, be waaaay casual and tell him that. Say if he wants to get a drink sometime you are still down, but ready to put this behind you. Then be like see ya round and run off!

[quantumdefender]

Does he KNOW how close you 2 got? Sounds to me like a classic case of mixed signals.

he prob WANTS to go all the way, and you sent signs of rejection.

after a implied rejection, he may NOT want to be friends at all. I tend to "shut down a lot of women after a rejection. too damn many times have I heard "lets just be friends"

if I had a dollar from every woman that told me that, I'd be a RICH but still LONELY single guy.

maybe he WANTS a LOVER and not another "just friend"

my point? if you want to be "just friends" be ready to be disapointed.

[Asker]

I defintely did not send signals of rejection and he knows it. We got really close to "going all the way" and I even suggested we try to finish to show how "interested" I was but we never did. I never mentioned lets just be friends. I just figured that since he is giving me the cold shoulder that we would be better off as friends. I offered him both side-lover and friend so the ball is/was in his court.

[Regularguy]

Story of my life right there, I would be a rich man haha

[Longshot]

As you knew or discovered office relationships can be disastrous. There is no clean way out unless both parties are mature enough to agree to being just co-workers again -- a very unlikely outcome. (Men are worse at this than women IMHO) If you can talk to him about returning to civil/normal behavior do it. If you can't or think you can't, let it go. Over time, things will get less and less tense. What you don't want to do is make it worse by saying or doing something that will stir up the pot -- things will get more tense.

[Asker]

Thanks for your comment- I do hope that over time it will get les and less tense and that we can put it past us. I am not sure if he is acting this way because he feels bad about cheating on his g/f. apart of me feels that he is afraid that he wants to finish where we left off but is torn with guilt. I can be wrong but that is what it feels like. I just find it weird to turn from hot to cold so fast but what do I know lol.

[ap1100]

Sorry, but this whole "keep the past in the past" stuff is wearing me down. The only people I hear that from (and I hear it a lot) are people who make regretful choices and want to hide their excessive (in their opinion) sexuality under a rug. You can't take the past back. This guy already had you, it took the value away from your relationship, and you can't go back. People can forgive (for what it's worth) all day long, but people never forget. It's always burned in the subconscious and it effects how we perceive each person we associate with.

[infinitypro]

When you say affair, do you mean you are both married or that it was a small fling? If it includes two married couples then you shouldn't be doing that kind of nonsense in the first place. If it is just a fling then you may be taking it too quickly too fast or he was just trying to get a little romance. Either way, if you don't want to lose him as a friend occasionally, roughly once a day, say hi to him in passing and maybe make small talk. Gradually work your way up from there and see how it goes.

[Tamikaze]

This is another example of the danger of taking a friendship and adding sex or dating to it. You risk losing the initial friendship. He is obviously uncomfortable with what happened and this is his best effort of dealing with it. You cannot go back to what you had before but give it time and see what comes of it.

[Asker]

I always told myself not to do this. that you can't have both and of course that is what I did. maybe you are right that he is uncomfortable with what happened and doenst know what to do other than to ignore me. I really hope that is not the case. the situation is weird for me as well and I am trying to be mature about it and try to remain the same as before. I knew I shouldnt have done it but I just couldn't resist and neither could he.

[Tamikaze]

Yes, I understand how hard it can be to resist sexual attraction but regardless, you didn't and now you are in this situation. Be aware that sometimes guys establish friendships that really are based on physical attraction and then when they realize that they are not going further after going as far as you did, well there isn't a friendship left on their side. Not saying it might not come back with time but at this point he is uncomfortable.

[stercor]

Sex can mess up the best of friendly relationships.

Give him time. Norah Vincent in her book "Self-Made Man" writes that men have an emotional scale of three notes, while women have three octaves, plus an orchestra and choir off to the side. He may not be able to keep up a friendship simply because he isn't capable of it. On the good side, time will help him to sort out his thoughts and feelings.

Ted

[Asker]

I really liked your quote and it defintely makes sense and feels right. maybe you are right and he is not capable of being friends and he rather give me the cold shoulder in hopes that I get the hint instead of him being upfront with me. I hope that time will help him sort his thoughts out and help me as well thanks

[DoggyDude]

He might feel you lead him on. Infact, given your age you did.

Either you have a deeper relationship with him, or you just have to let him go.

Though to be honest, if he's the kind of guy who just stops being a friend he's a bit weak. Mind you I don't know how you rebuffed his advances, maybe he feels massively hurt.

[Asker]

What does my age have anything to do with it? I did not lead anyone on. I never rejected him- we hooked up and then he pulled away-we said that we would be friends no matter what. I know it is hard to do that but we are mature adults and should be able to handles these kinds of things.

[DoggyDude]

I think you should have known better by this time of life is what I was illuding to. Then that's just my oppinon *shrugs*.

If HE pulled away, did you REALLY get close to sex?

If a guy rejects sex, it really wasn't going to happen (or prehaps I should say shouldn't happen). Though I suppose there's always a first time for everything.

[cjwright79]

There's two routes: full openness and full closure. You can mentally block out everything to do with this tawdry affair, but that's not emotionally healthy. So just open your heart and mind and regard him and everyone else around you with charity and good will. If you cannot do that, go the repression route. If you cannot do that, suck it up and have a slightly difficult time at work. And if that won't fly, well then I guess you'll be leaving your job sooner or later.

[Asker]

You are right you can't mentally block it out because it is not emotionally healthy. I made attempts by emailing him as though everything was ok and the 2nd attempt by email went unanswered this is why I think he is giving me the cold shoulder. we said that we would not allow things to get weird and here is goes making things weird,. I just hope that we can work pass this.

[cjwright79]

Well if you are determined to make it work, and have a generous attitude towards people in general and your co-worker in particular, then it will work. :)

[Asker]

I figured we were mature enough to handle everything that come with what we did. I guess he is not mature enough to handle things. I guess we will see what happens. I might try to be the better person and talk to him and see what happens.

thanks

[cjwright79]

Great, sounds like a plan! :)

[Roshell2009]

I would just ask "is everything alright'? I would then let him know how important the friendship is and leave it open for him to decided how to proceed.

He might feel as you do but does not know how to approach you and since he is only a friend, I think approaching him is ok.

Good Luck

[Asker]

I want to ask if everything is ok but I also don't want to come across as pushy or needy. I have a feeling he feels the same way as I do and he just doesn't know how to ask me how I feel. Thanks for the feedback.

[ty-lady]

The only thing you can really do at this point is talk to him. I know it sounds cliché but really? Don't have "'the talk"" at work if possible. In the meantime, just be yourself. By the way...are either of you married or involved cause if so then that could have something to do with it. After you get all of your answers... Don't mix biz w/pleasure! Love & Peace!

[Asker]

Yes we are both in relationships and I think that is what made it weird. I think I will wait a little longer to give him space and then have a talk with him. People always said never mix business with pleasure and now I can see why. thanks

[TexPlayboy]

It sounds like your friendship is at risk. If you wish to salvage it, give him time and space. But a conversation on the side might help speed things up. Let him know you are OK with taking things back to Friends Mode, and you can both pretend nothing else happen. You should both be mature enough to agree that anything more than friendship is no longer an option, but mistreating each other after the fact is not in either of your best interest.

Good Luck,

James

[Anonymous]

I would just send him a plain and simple e-mail saying:

Hi ---

I don't know why you seem to be giving me the cold shoulder after what happened. We work together and had a friendship before this, and it would be best if we just put what happened behind us. I enjoyed having you as a friend I don't want to come to work and feel unfomfortable everyday. I hope you agree with me!

----

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice. I really do want to say all of that to him but I think I will give it some more time before I send him the message. as I said in a previous comment I don't want to come across as needy or desperate so I will wait a little while longer. and it is funny because we always talked about how great our friendship is and now look what happened. I always told him that his friendship was important to me-oh well-men what can you do with them lol

[Opinion Owner]

Lol there all the same, they always get like this after hooking up...you never know what's going on in their heads..oh what he suddenly feels bad because he's in a relationship? well he should have thought of that before he hooked up ! lol its them that make things more confusing, not us! just remember to always be the better person, he will have more respect for you...

[Asker]

Yes they are all the same but for some reason we still want them lol. sometimes I wish I knew what they were thinking it would make things easier and less confusing. he probably does feel bad now and doesn't know how to handle things-and you are right he should have thought about his girlfriend before this ever got started. I know I need to be the better person not only for him to have more respect for me but for me to have more respect for myself. thanks

[coolgurl09]

Really good answer very mature

[jimmajam]

Don't fool yourself. Even if you do remain "just friends" you're going to have another affair. The feelings will still be there or come back. The best thing is to just let it go. Especially if one or both of you are married.

[Asker]

I am not sure if we will hook up again. We are both in relationships which I know is wrong. Not to put blame on him -he is the one who pursued me first and now he is acting weird. I am willing to let it go but how do I act when we work together?

[Paris13]

Keep your Nose to the Grind Stone even though he may Be... Cold as Nice and Not too Nice.
This is Why, No Lie, I tell People Who Work Together Not to Cook Together. xx

[Anonymous]

Hey I had the same situation but I dont know what to do, can you tell me what h