By that, I mean what are some thoughts or emotions you find yourself having, that aren't reflective of your values or who you want to be. Bonus points if you can identify why you think you have those thoughts or feelings.
The rest of the details are unnecessary, but if you're curious, feel free to read.
I ask because I've noticed that I'm quite vain. I spend over two hours daily on my skin care and hair care (not counting the beauty supplements), and I work myself up into a panic attack if someone posts a picture of me that I don't like. I'm 23, and look 16, and yet I'm terrified of aging. I would never criticize someone's appearance, but I find myself looking at complete strangers and picking apart their facial features in my head. I don't like it, but those are the thoughts that come into my head when I look at someone. In college, I turned down a date with someone I really liked, because he wasn't conventionally attractive and I worried about what people would say.
I know it's rooted in my childhood. My parents and grandparents were always very judgmental about people's appearances. They would point out strangers to me in the city and tell me that their clothes were unflattering, or their hair looks greasy, or they have bad teeth. Every Christmas card we received was immediately made fun of. I was a child model. From the time I was born I was constantly told I was beautiful, but the compliments were usually in comparison to everyone else. My family would talk my cousins' insecurities, and would tell me I would never understand because I was "the pretty one in the family." They would nitpick the way I smiled in photos, and tell me not to wear certain colors because I looked "washed out" and could do better.
I never comment on anyone's appearance now. It's not healthy. I hate that I think about it so much though.
I was wondering if anyone else could relate. In what ways are you not who you want to be?
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