How long do you hold someone accountable for something offensive they said in the past?

Question

Example based on a real news story: twenty years ago someone posted something to social media and someone dug it up and put them on blast today for what they said back then, which was so offensive that they'd certainly be fired if they repeated it now. However, it's 20 years on and they at least seem to have radically changed their views from back then, but of course they can't take back what was said in the past.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Personally though, I see a lot of guys on here who are bitter from their break ups. I feel bad for them.

Some of them have bullied me on here because of how upset they are and how they just hate all women.

It hurts you know to get attacked by some random guy for no reason just because I'm woman. Just because he thinks all women are bad

I have even decided to message some of these guys, after time passes, even though they attacked and bullied me.

Give them a chance to prove they can be a good person. Though, it turns into a responsibility I didn't sign up for.

I feel like I caught them on a good day and they were being nice and kind to me.

They even tried to kindly help me with my own problems and befriend or want something more since they are lonely.

Or maybe they had the idea they could lure me in by trying to help me but really they were getting attached and wanted to use me to solve all the hate, the loneliness within themselves.

I always find someone rarely helps out of the kindness of their heart. They always just want something in the end.

That loneliness and hate they can only solve themselves. But I'm not here to make them happy and I can't take on that responsibility.

I just wanted to see if they've changed, when I see they are the same person, I know to move on.

Only they can work on themselves. In my own mind, I try to forgive these guys for their rudeness and their bullying.

Without bringing it to their attention that they started beef with me for no reason, taunted me, belittled me, and was very rude to me.

I don't want to be that kind of person, I don't want to contribute to the endless cycle of causing each other pain.

I want to be a good person or at least try to be. Just because he hates women right now, he shouldn't take it out on others who have nothing to do with it.

I can't respect someone like that, but I will forgive him to free myself from the unnecessary pain and hope that he can overcome his own hatred one day and turn to God.

Razp_Sorbet · Accepted Answer

You can apologise for what you did in the past. Last week I was looking at my Facebook memories and saw in like 2011 I had written a status about how silly and r-word my friends and I were being. I wouldn't use that word today so I deleted the status. I'm sure many more will pop up that I may delete because I was a kid and I didn't know better. But now I'm an adult and I do know better. If someone dug it up and complained about it I would say they are right, it was wrong and I apologise. Holding yourself accountable for your past is important. Just brushing it off like "I was a kid who cares" is just not enough.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

There are 2 very big problems with trying to "hold someone accountable" for what they said in the past.

1: This is intellectually dishonest of you, the thing about opinions is the are subject to change. We would not have theses discussions at all much less any concern for free speech if that were not the case.

Even if they said it yesterday it doesn't mean they beleive or would act upon it today, they may have learned something from that discussion or anther that changed their mind. We humans are nothing if not learning and adaptable.

2: Discriminating against someone on the grounds of a non-relevant opinion regardless of whether or not they hold it is just closed minded bigotry that really reflects very poorly upon you not them. Diversity is indeed a strength and there is no form of diversity more important than the individual diversity that gives us options in our problems.

Try to exclude anyone who has ever thought differently than you, an you will exclude the very differences you need to find solutions you can't yourself imagine.

blueonblack22 · Accepted Answer

We tend to judge others on their actions and ourselves on our intentions.

It is funny how I remember people and some of the nasty and horrible things they have said and done to me in the past. It’s easy to hold a grudge and judge them today as if this current moment is no different than yesterday.

But when I do a very honest self examination I know I have (usually inadvertently) said and done things to harm others in the past. Even though I may not intended harm the consequence (action) of action is what had an impact and what is remembered. How I can expect to be forgiven if I can’t forgive others?

However I will say what is and is not forgiveable today is held to “woke” standards. These “standards” are highly subjective and constantly moving. People who uphold them are more often than giant hypocrisies. This insanity needs to stop.

SnowedIn · Answer

This is almost too broad to answer. But, in general, no -- don't hold them accountable for the past.

People can and do change. The people we were were 20 years ago are not the people we are now. Also, people say stupid stuff. People's minds aren't done developing. My point is that we can't expect perfection all the time. People have to be able to make mistakes and learn from them.

Obviously if someone hasn't changed, that's a different discussion.

Also, we should NOT judge the past using today's standards.

Kaneki05 · Answer

Most cases the simple logic is if they still think that way. But in extreme cases let's say they actively bullied a group of people for years by saying shit even if it's been years since then that's not a thing one can really forget.
Let's say it gets even worse one of those in that group took their life because of such words can one really just forget that even if they regret it today?

Accountability is hard thing if the person claims they have changed because then it becomes a blurred line which no one really knows how to respond correctly. We just kinda have to make it up ourselves if we choose to forgive or not or even get revenge. Which I'm sure you would want if you knew said person effected. But you maybe willing to forgive them anyway who's to say other than yourself.

So it's all subjective. And my answer can't be defined until I know the situation.

CopperStove · Answer

If you have a goal of changing something and you don’t allow it to change then you’re not only incompetent you’re stupid. How is it just or wise to hold be accountable for not adhering to a social norm that you’re still trying make commonplace today…20 years ago. When you go after people like that you don’t further anything, you convince people who might very well be willing and wanting to support you that you’re trying to destroy them. Do that and they’ll fight you. Punishing people for every word they said decades or even years ago before it was even taboo will only succeed in making enemies of allies. No cause has ever succeeded for doing that.

Guy13 · Answer

Drinking the poison of both hate and anger and expecting the other person to die is way beyond nonsensical.

This behavior is a shining example of Self-abuse or self condemnation. One who internalizes the projected poisonous rhetoric as demonstrated by a refusal to forgive, move on, and forget. Forever focused upon thereby incorporating into the design of your person experienced by the world that you engage.

Forever a prisoner to their own, self made, bondage and stupidity.

TruthBringer · Answer

I see that some people are conflating 'holding someone accountable' with 'not being over it'. There is a clear difference. I will forever hold someone accountable for their actions. Does that mean I'm not over it? No. Just because it happened in the past, doesn't mean it didn't happen.  Someone should be held accountable for it. Despite having learned & never repeated my mistakes, I still hold accountability for the ones I made in the past. Same thing with everyone else. Just because I moved on from a past relationship, doesn't mean I don't hold my ex accountable for the things she did or said. There is a reason why we're not together anymore, so actions from the past still hold weight in today's results. But will I beat myself about it years later? No.

jshm2 · Answer

Of course it's accountable.

By your logic if you raped someone 20 years ago, then you should let them go as they would only have served a few years in prison, but have done so much other "good" since the incidents. Aka the Harvey Weinstein situation

Words can be the worst weapons. As while a weapon will kill one or two people, words can eliminate whole families and cities and sew hatred for generations. Sure you give the person a chance to explain the circumstances in a court of law. But there are always degrees to how bad something is, and it's intent.

abc3643 · Answer

That depends on their age and circumstances of saying what was said.

For instance, if a 5-year-old calls me a "poopyhead", I am going to laugh it off.
If a 50-year-old says "You're a real shithead.", chances are they are not going to be on my Christmas card list going forward.

inhua · Answer

actions speak louder than words. I don't care much about what people say to or about me whether offensive or not, it's more about what they do.

now if they try to throw hands at me, stab me, shoot me, poison me or do anything to harm me or end my life, that's not forgivable one bit.

NewsReader · Answer

Tough to answer so generally. It will differ on a case by case basis. Some things are forgivable because of the changes that took place over the years. And some things cannot be forgiven because the years that passed did not necessarily change the way they feel or think.

ChillaxingLove · Answer

Depends on how long you want to be a slave to your emotions. Forgiveness isn’t for them it’s for you. You free yourself when you forgive. It’s hard sometimes but being set free from holding on to grudges usually is

Anonymous · Answer

Depends what it was.

If it was intended as an insult or to disrespect me, then i'll hold onto the grudges. It's my defensive mechanism and most animals have these too.

I still have some grudges from years ago. These are to protect myself. Shall one of them re-involve in the future, i might be in a position to have them regret their past choices, which will likely never happen but so what. it is working out pretty good so far.

melanieeeB · Answer

The moment they did it or I realize it and that's it.  I won't come years/months later and be like "oh but you said that", I do it in the moment and then it's done.

Spiritofn · Answer

Depends on person's age on act of offense, & lack of an apology would definitely make head waves. Im personally failing as a father figure right now. As the government made it to be a point of example to do such & it sucks...

Anemone978 · Answer

I'm not for cancel culture.. especially if it was a joke... like really if they don't talk like that now what does it matter..

annabananna · Answer

I don’t know it depends what they said. If it’s minorly offensive I might not hold them accountable at all. If someone says something offensive to a child that is damaging that’s gonna take longer.

NostalgiaSenpi · Answer

It's rather ridiculous to hold stuff over people for twenty years. I was so disappointed in Leverage Redemption from leaving out Tim Hutton because of some sexual misconduct in the 1980s.

goaded · Answer

It depends on whether they made a genuine apology or just tried to pretend it didn't happen.

Anonymous · Answer

Depends how offensive it was, did they see and acknowledge thier error, And are they truly remorseful about what they said. All these are factors.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Apparently if it was more than 35 years ago, you're good. #ralphnortham #governorblackface

SmokinAces2000 · Answer

That would depend on how remorseful they were and if they were still saying and believing dumb shit

Anonymous · Answer

Speech should have a statue of limitations of one year or less.

jennifer_bloom · Answer

As long as a chimpanzee can eat bananas

KrakenAttackin · Answer

So female. Let it the fuck go.

OddBeMe · Answer

Honestly not much. We learn everyday.

Anonymous · Answer

I never forget anything.

How long do you hold someone accountable for something offensive they said in the past?

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