So I checked a lady about calling me ma'am, was I wrong?

[Anonymous]

She's a cashier who works at the local coffee shop. It's safe to say she's 55-65 years old. I'm only in my late 30's and young enough to be her daughter.

So for days she's been addressing me as ma'am. I let it slide but it was bothering me. It's as if she felt I was her age or older by addressing me as that.

So I politely said to her "I'd appreciate if you didn't call me ma'am I'm only 39. It's an outdated word." It was in a nice calm voice, not rude or nasty. I also expressed to her that I hope I'm not offending her.

So then she looks up at me and I guess realized she made an assumption and how being called that is offensive (like so many bastards do in society, assuming ) and she says sorry and she'll call me "doll" it was playful, her response.

The thing is I don't want special treatment or my ass being kissed whenever I get coffee from there. I simply don't wanna be addressed as ma'am. Up north ma'am is only used on women that are seniors or almost a senior. It's not used the same way people use it in the south.

But man I'm just glad I spoke up.

No, she was the one wrong assuming you were older

Yes, you were wrong she was only being polite

Nobody was wrong but people shouldn't address everyone as ma'am

[Anonymous]

Yes you were wrong. Ma’am is used out of respect, especially when you don’t know someone’s name. It’s not about a person’s age. I lived in Oklahoma for a while. It was respectful to say ma’am or sir when addressing others you don’t know. Even while I was in the military we still used those terms, I still do till this day. I think your issue is that you’re in your 30s, you’re more concerned w the fact that you’re getting up there in age. In a few years you’ll be in your 40s. So in your mind when someone says that it’s reinforcing the fact that yes you’re getting older. But even though as I explained it’s really not about your age when someone calls you that, to you it is. That’s what you don’t like, the reality that you're basically halfway through your life cycle as a female. A reality you don’t want to accept.

[Asker]

I can accept that I'm getting older. I'm sure you have too as you're older than me. I have no attraction to a man my age or older but I'd never address them as sir.

No I'm not 21 but don't address me as ma'am either, that's my view.

[Opinion Owner]

So than why not tell her your name. Again it’s not about age. It’s just a matter of respect. I don’t care that I’m getting older. I think most men don’t. Women tend to care about that more. Yes there are some
exceptions in regards to men. But the beauty market is a trillion dollar industry catered to women to stay not get old. From what it sounds like you’ve been to this place numerous times, so like i said why not tell her your name?

[Opinion Owner]

I also know of another term used, “miss.” Now if you want to go your route about you saying ma’am is used for women who are much older, technically “miss” is for people who are younger than 30, which you have surpassed. So now you’d be considered ma’am is we’re going to assign miss or ma’am to an age bracket in terms of when they should be used. So age wise yes you’d be considered ma’am.

[Asker]

That's not the actual definition to such an outdated word. The point is they shouldn't the word at all. It's ageism. It's saying "I'm going to bring up your age or what I assume I think you are" just STFU already. I hate both terms, people need to stop.

[Opinion Owner]

I e also heard people say “miss” is actually used for women who are 18 or younger, which’s still puts you outside that age range if we’re going w you thinking ma’am is used for older women.

[Opinion Owner]

you’re just upset that you’re getting old. You haven’t accepted that. You say you have, but you haven’t. Your mentality says it all. To you it’s an outdated word but a lot of people still use it. Just cause you don’t doesn’t mean people should have to stop using it cause it upsets your feelings.

[Anonymous]

You were wrong. She was just being polite and respectful. Calling a woman of any age ma'am is just being respectful, just like calling a man of any age sir is respectful.

You allowed your insecurity about your age to get the best of you and made her feel bad when she shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

She was just being polite. I get mistaken as a teen all the time when I don’t have make up on and even then I still get called ma’am. Some people refer to women as ma’am when she looks like she could be already married. So if you look like you’re in your mid 20s and older, there‘s nothing wrong with being called ma’am.

[Anonymous]

Ma'am and sir are perfectly valid terms that are used to be polite and show respect, regardless of the age of the person

[Asker]

Ok that might be the actual definition. What you're not getting is up north where I live they only use it on women they perceive much older. And the ones that appear younger they'll address as miss. I've seen this firsthand many times in social settings where cashiers picked and choose who they'd address as ma'am or miss.

[Opinion Owner]

Actually, any of the terms you mentioned, including "lady" would be fine, IMHO.

[Anonymous]

She was just being polite.

[sirderpsalot123]

Yes.