What is the funniest joke you have heard, told, read, or made up yourself?

Question

The funniest joke that I have read is:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls 911.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

djbreal87 · Accepted Answer

This is my favorite, I have at least a 30 jokes to tell, but this is my favorite

So there's this hippie right? and he gets on the bus to go home. Now, he rides the bus alot, but this is his first time on this particular bus. So he gets in, puts his money in, and goes and finds a seat. After a few stops, this nun gets on the bus. She sits directly across from him. Now, usually this wouldn't be such a big deal, except this nun was hott, and I mean SMOKIN hott, so the hippie being all high and sh*t, decides to try and talk to her. He tries some small talk, asking her questions. But she doesn't say anything, she just sits there, hands folded in her lap, and smiles. Eventualy the hippie gives up, the nun gets off a few stops later, then a few stops after that, the hippie gets off to go home. But see now the hippie is curious, so he decides the next day to take the same bus, hoping to see her again. Sure enough, the next day she is on the bus, and again he tries to talk to her. Again she sits there quiet, polite, hands folded, and simply smiles, doesn't say a word. This goes on for a few weeks, everyday the hippie tries to talk to her, and everyday the nun doesn't say a word. One day, after the nun had gotten off the bus, the hippie was preparing to get off at his stop, when the bus driver stopped him and said, "You know, I have been watching you, and I hate to see a man try so hard and get shot down, so I think I know a way to help you" now the hippie is desperate at this point and willing to try anything, the bus driver continues "you see I drop that nun off at the cemetary everyday, and she stays late, to pray for her dead mother, and being a nun, she follows the word of god. I bet, if you dressed up as god, and demanded it from her, she would HAVE to sleep you" Now the hippie thinks this is a great idea, so he heads on down to the costume shop, dresses up like god, and makes his way out to the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun was there, praying. The hippie musters up the courage, and jumps out from behind the tree and says "you there, servant of god, I demand you have sex with me" the nun replies "yes lord I will follow your command, but I have one request, you must f*** me in my ass so I can stay a virgin" now the hippie didn't care he was about to have sex with the nun, so the hippie bends the nun over pulls up the dress, without spitting on it, shoves his d*** in the nun's ass and just starts pounding away, not holding a single thing back, sweat and sh*t and blood and semen are flying everywhere and he is screaming and hollering and finally in the heat off it all the hippie jumps up, takes off his costume and says "HA IM THE HIPPIE!" then the nun jumps up in reply, takes her costume off and says "Yea? Well IM THE BUS DRIVER!"

ohhaidurr · Accepted Answer

One day 3 people were stuck on an island infested with cannibals. The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won't kill you", so the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals.

The cannibals ordered, "go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the same kind."

The first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "stick the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". On the second apple, the person grimaced in pain, so the cannibals killed and ate him.

The second person came back out of the forest with 10 blueberries. The cannibals ordered, "put the blueberries up your ass without making a facial expression". On the 8th blueberry, the second person started laughing, so they killed him.

In heaven, the person with the apples asked the person with the blueberries, "why did you start laughing?". He replied, "i saw the third person coming back with pineapples."

^This had me ROFLOLing for weeks! XD

CatholicVirginia · Accepted Answer

"Summer is right around the corner and I'm living in a cul-de-sac."

As an English major, I have to say this is a favorite:

How to Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Be more or less specific.

15. Profanity sucks ass.

16. Understatement is always best.

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

24. Don't never use a double negation.

25. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with period/full stop

26. A writer must not shift your point of view.

27. Don't overuse exclamation marks!

28. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

And I can't go without plugging my favorite math joke:

The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

ShadowPuppett · Accepted Answer

okay so my brother told me this joke a while ago and you might have heard it but I still thinks its hilarious though its a bit dirty

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it,

and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber -

THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,

the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked,

'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,

have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the p**** who ran over my FROG!

katg4560 · Accepted Answer

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon was, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good Luck Mr Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or the American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr Gorsky." statement meant, but he always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. This time Armstrong finally responsed. Mr Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a small kid in a mid west town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball which landed in the neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr and Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned to pick up the ball, young Neil heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky, "Sex? You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

djbreal87 · Answer

I just got done typing one, but I got some more for you all lol hope you enjoy this next one.

So there's this lizard right? and he is walking through the jungle. Now he's not too sure where he is going, he's a lizard, just kinda wondering around, when he catches a whiff of a familiar smell. He follows it and is lead to a tree where he see's a monkey, about half way up smoking some weed. The lizard yells up to the monkey "Hey! Monkey, you smokin some weed up there?" The monkey says "Yes lizard I am, would you like to join me?" lizard says "F*** yea" so the lizard climbs up the tree, and takes a seat next to the monkey. It was at this time the monkey explains to the lizard, that this is the best weed in the whole rainforest, that one hit will really mess you up. Now its been awhile since the little lizard had some good weed, so he is excited. The monkey rolls up this sticky weed in some big rainforest leaf sh*t, and the little lizard starts smokin. After bout 5 minutes, the little lizard realized he was f***ed up, after about 30 min the little lizard realized that he was REALLY f***ed up. Now most know, that after you smoke, you get thirsty, so the lizard asks the monkey where he can get a drink, the monkey points down the road, and tells the lizard about a watering hole, not too far away. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, and makes his way to the watering hole. After a couple minutes the lizard comes to a clearing, and finds the water, well the lizard couldn't run fast enough, and he dunks his entire head into the water. near by there was an alligator, and the alligator could tell just by lookin at the lizard, that the lizard was f***ed up. So the alligator asks "Hey little lizard, you look pretty high right now, any chance I could have some?" The little lizard replies "sure mister alligator, just head on in the forest that way, and you will find a monkey in a tree smokin that good sh*t, ask him for some" So the alligator left the little lizard at the water hole in search of the monkey. After a few minutes the alligator reaches the tree and see's the monkey, alligator says to the monkey "Hey man, lemme get some of that sh*t" The monkey, no believing his eyes replies back "Well god damn little lizard, how much water did you DRINK?"

Anonymous · Answer

Not really the funniest, just the most recent I can remember, and it's kind of cute, from a father's standpoint.

Two brothers, 8 and 6 years old, were getting ready for breakfast when the older brother said, "I think we're old enough to start using cuss words like grown-ups, so when we go eat breakfast, let's use some cuss words. I'll say, "Sh*t", and you say, "Ass." The younger boy enthusiastically agreed, and they went to breakfast.

After sitting down, their mother asked the 8-year-old what he wanted for breakfast. He replied, "Oh sh*t, mom. I think I'll just have some Cheerios."

"What did you say?" his mother yelled. She went over and slapped him so hard that he fell out of his chair, then picked him up off the floor, dragged him crying to his room, and slammed the door screaming "And don't you come out until you learn some respect!"

When she got back in the kitchen, the 6-year-old was sitting there wide-eyed. She asked sternly, "Now young man, what do YOU want for breakfast?"

"I don't know," he blubbered "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Ped1981 · Answer

Guy walking home through a golf course one day. He walks up the hill towards the exit by the last hole. He looks over and sees a guy in a smart suit sitting on a tree stump with a silver case beside him. Curious, he strolls over and says hello. Guy in the suit says hi back.
Guy going home says, 'don't mind me asking but what do you do for a living?'
Guy in the suit says, 'I'm a hitman'
Guy laughs and says, 'fuck off! Don't talk shite.'
Without a word the guy in the suit stands up, picks up his case, lays it on the tree trunk, unsnaps the locks and opens it. There a broken down rifle inside. The guy going home stares in disbelief as the stranger builds up the rifle and snaps the scope into place and holds it out for inspection.
'My god,' he gasps, 'is that real?'
Hitman nods
'Can I look at it?' he asks
Hitman shrugs and says sure
Guy takes the rifle and looks through the scope.
'My god, look at the things you can see through this,' he says as he scans the town around him.
'I can see my street, look at that. Thats my house. I can see right into my bedroom window. That's... You bastard.' He snarls
'What's wrong,' says the hitman
'That's my wife and that bastard next door doing it my bed when I'm at work,' he shouts, lowering the rifle.
Guy stares into space for a few seconds then turns to the hitman. 'How much do you charge?'
Hitman says, 'thousand a bullet'
'Right,' the guy says giving the hitman the rifle back,' you see that white building over there?
Hitman puts the rifle up to his eye and looks around.
'Yeah,'he says
'Right, look left from that and you'll see my street, red door at the end. That's my house. You got it?
'Yup,' says the hitman, trying to keep the rifle steady.
'The window above the front door. That's my bitch wife getting pumped by that bastard neighbour of mine. I want you to shoot him right up the arse and her right in the pussy.' He shouts.
'No problem' the hitman mutters, adjusting the sights... tell me if you want the punchline

tokioangel95 · Answer

My roommate told me this yesterday...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

MaxwellSmart · Answer

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this straight. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his d***. Dick, glass, d***, glass, d***, glass, d***, glass, d***, glass, d***, glass, d***, glass. And then, *fwoosh*, he lets it rip.

And he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the f***ing glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his f***in' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You f***ing idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 puta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, $300." And the bartender's like, "What the f*** are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."

Seashell73 · Answer

One more I enjoyed this one!

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 May 2003

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Hartmut · Answer

A man walks out into his back garden, and is horrified to see a large gorilla resting up in the tree. Not quite certain where it came from or how it got there, the man thinks to himself for a moment, and remembers that he has insurance for this type of event. He calls up the insurance agency, gives them his details and explains his problem, and it told that someone would be sent to help within the hour.

Sure enough, a van pulls up outside the man's house a half hour later. The driver knocks on the door, and the man answers.

"You the guy with the gorilla problem?"

The man nods, and takes the insurance agent to his back garden. The gorilla is still sleeping in the tree. The agent takes a moment to analyse the situation, nods to himself, and heads back to his van, returning with a net, a shotgun and a muzzled rottweiler.

"Okay, standard situation," the agent says, unmuzzling the dog and handing the man the shotgun.

"Here's how it's gonna work: you take the shotgun, and I'm gonna climb onto the tree and shake it until the ape falls off. The dog it trained to bite the ape in the crotch when this happens, which will subdue it long enough for me to catch it with the net."

"Okay, that sounds simple enough," the man said, "But what do I need the gun for?"

"Sometimes, I fall out of the tree first. If that happens, you shoot the dog."

Sissy_girlyyyyyyyyyy · Answer

Lol this has to be the best joke I've ever heared...lol

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

RandomGuy2000 · Answer

1. Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

2. Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house

3. Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

4. Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
... Next Day...
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom:...

Anonymous · Answer

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose
and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped
her nose and shuddered quite violently as before.

The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she
took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.

The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said,
"You've sneezed three times, wiped you nose with a tissue, then shuddered
violently! Are you all right?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition
- when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never
heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

LittleSally · Answer

The humor I read from guys on this post is definitely not my cup of tea. Not imaginative nor unexpected. o. O

Some jokes make me go:
www.quickmeme.com/.../...9bd33bfb9b2fe9a03201a.jpg

www.quickmeme.com/.../...465bcc9eea3f50c6cce5d.jpg

Type of humor I like:

www.quickmeme.com/.../...29d9160fb197fff1caa0c.jpg

"Three nuns die and end up at the gates of Heaven.

St Peter says that before they can enter, they must first each answer a question.

To the first he asks "who were the first humans?" She says "Adam and Eve" and he lets her in.

To the second he asks "where did they live?" She says "In the garden of Eden" and she too is admitted.

Then he asks the third, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

She replies "My goodness that's a hard one" - and he opens the gate and lets her in."

Clipklop · Answer

Heard this one from a friends a while back...

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my friend's house.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda.

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Ok! It was a Porno.

Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what p*rn was!

The robot slaps the Dad.

Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.

The robot slaps the mom...

honeyltsme · Answer

A reasonably well-to-do man seeks a priest's advice at a church: "Holy father, I have attained success in business, but something is missing in my life. Is there anything I can do to be closer to God?"

The priest replies, "Sure! A lot of men in your situation find joy in charitable giving. Tell you what, as you leave here, give fifty dollars to the first person you see that looks like they could use it. See how it feels like to give - you might grow fond of it".

The advice is sound and the man leaves with every intention to give it a try. Right there on a street corner he sees a girl lingering in a miniskirt, fishnet stockings, and beat-up boots. He walks up to her and pulls a crisp $50 out of his wallet. To which she replies: "No way, man, I need at least $150!"

Shocked at such a reaction, he says, "listen, a kind priest at that church told me to give $50 to..."

- "But you're NOT padre!", she interrupts "... he's a REGULAR customer".

cmknoll3 · Answer

Here's a good one I read recently (warning: truly tasteless):

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My God! That's terrible," said Bob, "but you said you only THINK your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know" responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up."

LyssNicole · Answer

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

I think because I'm in medical school, it seemed funnier to me:)

SimplyLexi · Answer

BAR JOKE:

So a Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

PICK UP LINE:

"I'm an astronaut and my next mission is in Uranus!"

BLONDE JOKES:

A. Why can't Blondes dial 911?

Q. They can't find the 11 on the phone!

OR

One day, a blond went to a ventriloquist show. During the show, the ventriloquist used his "dummy" to make fun of blondes. The crowd roared with laughter, but the blond was angry.

Outraged, she stood up and said, "How dare you make fun of blondes!"

The ventriloquist replied saying, "Madam, I'm very sorry. But it's just part of the act."

The blond screamed, "You shutup! I'm talking to the little man on your knee!"

livi24 · Answer

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him 'Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

alps-era · Answer

this is a joke from china ,and I translate it .enjoy urselves ^^

a scientist went to the Antarctic, coming across a group of penguins(the number is 100).He asked one: “ what do you do every day? ” “ the Penguin said "eat ,sleep and play bean". He again asked another: “ what do you do every day? ” that Penguin also said: “eat ,sleep and play bean” .from one to 99, all of them said: “eat ,sleep and play bean.” later he met the hundredth little penguins, cute look on his face,and he asked it: “ you what do you do every day? ” “the little Penguin said".eat and sleep ”.The scientist immediately asked, why don't you play bean? The little Penguin said angrily to him "beacuese I am the bean.”

Shameneyes · Answer

So a sales man rings a doorbell excepting an adult to answer he get's a five year old that's holding a scotch in one hand and smoking a cigar in the other. The sales man says, "little boy are your parents home?". The little boy smirks and says, "What the f*** do you think" and slams the door in his face. I heard this comedy central a few years ago and couldn't help but laugh :D

kady4e · Answer

an English, a French, a Portuguese and a Spaniard where flying on a private plane when they hear the pilot saying:

-the plane is too heavy, we had throw away your luggage but we will crash if someone doesn't jump!

the English stands up and screams - Remember the Queen! - and jumps of the plane.

-still too heavy, someone more has to jump! - screams the pilot

the French stands up and screams - Remember Joan of Arc! - and jumps too.

-one last person will have to jump...

the Portuguese stands up and screams - Remember Battle of Aljubarrota!

and kicks the Spaniard out off the plane...

Heather02 · Answer

Normal people at flirting: "Hey sexy!"

My at flirting: "so...you...like breadsticks?"

Normal people at asking someone out: "I'll pick you up as seven baby"

My at asking someone out: "You wanna...go get some breadsticks?..."

front2back · Answer

Does dark humor count?

So a guy goes over to his friends house to hang out with him. But when he walks inside he ses his freind is hanging by a rope from the ceiling. The guystarts to panic, and tries to find scissors to cut him down. Just then, the phone rings. The guy answers it, and it's his friends's work. "Hello, Mr. So and So didn't come into work this morning. Can you get him for me?" The guy replies, "I would, be he's a little hung up right now."

lol

normalice · Answer

I embelished a joke I head a bit:

A doctor is sitting outside the patients room, pacing back and forth, occasionally glancing in, nervously dreading what he must do. Finally he decides there is nothing for it, and walks into the room. He says "I don't know any other way of saying this, so I'll just tell you. You are going to have to stop masturbating."

The patient responds with unexpected shock and dismays saying "What?! Why?"

The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination."

Southerngirl99 · Answer

I heard this from my preacher. No clue how it relates to church but I love it lol.

One day this frog named Kermit Jagger hops into a bank. He's really wanting to get a loan so he hops over to the lady in charge of loans, Patricia Wack. He greets her and tells her how much he wants. Patricia starts filling out the paperwork for him, but then she remembers to ask him if he has collateral. "Of course I have collateral! Here you go!" he says handing her a small porcelain elephant. She takes it and gives it a long look. "Excuse me for a moment". As she walks into the managers office she tells him what was happening. "And then he handed me this thing for collateral! I don't even know what it is!" The manager laughs, "It's a knick knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

iXenomorph · Answer

My lady friend told me about the night she was picked up by a black guy at a bar. After getting smashed and going to her place, they were getting it on. She said to him sexily, "show me it's true what they say about black guys..."

She got stabbed and then had her wallet stolen.

--

What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Phelps can finish off a race.

--

What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in.

Frostie · Answer

Q:What's the definition of embarrassment?  A:Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose first.

sexyasianboi26 · Answer

10 guys were taking a shower, and there was only one soap.  They passed it around Until one guy with butter fingers, dropped it. ...awkward silence...

FastAndFurious27 · Answer

I'm not sure if you guys'll like it, but I heard this one when I was a kid, and I thought it was funny, so here you go :)

One day this guy who can't swim was fishing In a river, the guy was pulled out to the deep end by a fish.

The man started to pray to god.

All of a sudden a guy in a boat comes to the rescue and asks, "do you need help"', the other guy then replies, "No it's fine, god will safe me".

Then another guy in a boat arrives and also asks "Hey, do you need help?"

The man then says "No it's fine, god will safe me".

A third man gets there and asks the same question "Do you need any help"?

The man then says "No thanks, god will safe me".

The man eventually drowns and dies, he meets god in heaven and asks "Why didn't you safe me"?

God then replies, "I sent three men after you, you a**hole"

Anonymous · Answer

My boss is a real slave master. He came up to my desk on Friday evening, and said "Hey Bob, I'm going to need you to come in tomorrow. There's a lot of extra work to be done."

I sighed and said, "Ok. But I've heard there's going to be some traffic disruptions tomorrow, so I might be in a little later than normal. Is that okay?"

"Sure" he said "When do you think you'll make it in?"

I thought about it for a second, and said "Oh, around 9am Monday morning."

Anonymous · Answer

I rang my boss and said "I can't come in today. I'm too sick." He said "You sound fine to me. How sick are you?" I said, "I'm in bed with my sister. How sick do you want?"

may04 · Answer

Why don't you take a Pokémon in the bathroom with you? Because it might Pik-a-chu!  :D

irykiryk · Answer

I was at a park the other day and I was wondering 'Why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?' and then it hit me...

guy532 · Answer

There are two sharks hunting for some food. They find a crowded beach and one of the sharks quickly aims for a person to eat. His shark friend stops him right before he's about to eat the poor bloke. The shark tells his friend "Hold on Tim, don't get ahead of yourself. You should swim in a circle around the guy before you eat him, trust me". So Tim starts circling the poor bloke. After a minute Tim goes to eat him again. His shark friend stops him again and says "woo, wow Tim take it easy mate. This time circle him, but put your fin out of the water so he can see it". Tim is annoyed, but does it anyway. Then after about a minute he eats the poor bloke. Tim tells his mate "wow that one tasted really good, all that swimming made a difference". To which his shark friend replied, "of course it did! They taste much better after you scare the shit out of them".

Seashell73 · Answer

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

FutterwackenMcSappin · Answer

Mike puts down his wrench from working on top of the engine, wipes his hands and ask his friend Bob, who is on a creeper rolling around under the car looking for leaks: "Hey Bob, if you woke up naked in the woods with your butt sticky and covered in Vaseline, would you tell anyone?"

Bob yells from somewhere unseen under the vehicle, "!$#@%! NO! Why in the hell would I tell someone about that!?!"

Mike nonchalantly says, "Nevermind." and then after a moment Mike asks, "Hey...I'm going camping this weekend. Got any plans?"

Here's the other:

One homosexual pulls back, smacking his lips, looks over his shoulder and says irately to his complaining straight friend: "It's not gay if I'm wearing this mini-skirt, make-up, wig, perfume, and six-inch pumps! Now keep your eyes closed and do what I do with your finger!"

Anonymous · Answer

Tanning Mom &

One day a bear and a rabbit were taking a sh*t in the forest. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No." So the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass.

Anonymous · Answer

What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no eye deer. LoL . Its corny but when I heard it, It tickled the hell out of me for some reason haha

ketfoen · Answer

This one was told to me by another G@G user from George Carlin:

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Now laugh with me apes. muwahahahahaha

front2back · Answer

What do you call a black person flying a plane? A pilot.

TwistedLogic · Answer

I don't think jokes sound funny on paper. They must be delivered verbally. Here's a joke I just remembered, anyways:

Q:What is the most important question for safe sex?

A: "When does your husband get home?"

Anonymous · Answer

Teacher:   class only Peter got 90% in the exam Peter to classmates:  waaaaahhhhhh bunch of Morons and Idiots! Teacher:  ... the rest got a perfect score...

TheLittleBuggy · Answer

I don't know how much this counts... But most recently one I read
was when Ellen had Fall Out Boy on her show

Ellen asked this:

"So, you guys were apart for a while, what happened, did you have a... Fall Out Boys?"

yomama17 · Answer

My girlfriend broke up with me recently. She claimed I was "invading her privacy". She never actually told me but she wrote in her diary all the time. Last winter I was fortunate enough to see her...get hit by a snowplow, which was awkward for me, as I had never driven one before. When I was still with her, you can say I was a bad kid.

How do crazy people go through a forest? They take the syco path

What do you do when you find a spaceman? You park, man

C0tt0N · Answer

Heres a few short corny jokes.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

What do you call a cow having a seizure?

Beef jerky!

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff!

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Xx_DRE_xX · Answer

What to know how to kill a dumb blonde? Hand her a gun and tell her it's a blowdryer.

Tabbyitha · Answer

hownow much does a Hipster weigh? an Instagram! :3

ThePinoyBoy · Answer

So this farmer has 3 daughters and they all have dates. The first date arrives and says "hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Moe, we're going to the show,
is she ready to go?" so the farmer let's them go. Then the next date arrives and says "hi I'm teddy, I'm here for betty, we're eating spaghetti, is she ready?" so the farmer let's them go. Then the next date arrives and says "hi, I'm chuck-" and the farmer shot him.

Werewolfy · Answer

A foreigner arrives in New York looking to start his life anew. He's starving and has only several bucks in his pocket. He looks around and sees a hotdog stand. He sighs and says "Well, this will have to do." He goes to the stand and orders a hotdog. The hotdog guy prepares one and hands it to the foreigner. He looks at it with a sad expression. "Of all the parts a dog has a got the dick again"

JonnyBG · Answer

How many British does it take to change a light bulb? One.

JWales · Answer

What can M&Ms do that your boyfriend can't do? Come in different colors.

ObscuredBeyond · Answer

From "2 Old Men and a Frog" (1997-1998)

Bellquinn (cranky old guy): "Slushy! Shut uuuup!"

Slushy (cartoon talking bullfrog): "No, YOU shut up!"

Bellquinn: "No, YOU shut up! You're an evil frog!"

Slushy: "Aw, shut up!"

Bellquinn: "That's what I'M saying!"

Slushy: "Then we agree!"

*Bellquinn pauses to think on the answer*

Bellquinn (at moment of figuring it out): "DIIIIEEEE!"

*tries to chase Slushy down with his walking cane*

kittykatbrat · Answer

I collect quotes + have a VERY DRY sense of humour "I hate entertainment" - film director John Cassavetes

DeepBlue · Answer

Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side cut off? He's all right now.

Anonymous · Answer

What did Kennedy think about the American people? They blew his mind. All respects to Kennedy, of course.

Anonymous · Answer

Lol that was funny.  A Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walks into a pub, the landlord says "what is this some kind of a joke"?

DarkHumorRUs · Answer

Look at my username.
Think about it.
Can you visualize the amount of dislikes I'd get for posting something sick and twisted enough to make me laugh? I can.

Anyway:
What's the hardest thing about watching an orphanage burn down?
My cock.

What's the difference between a tire and a black guy?
Tire don't sing when you put chains on it.

Those made me laugh for like 10 minutes when I heard them.

1000111001 · Answer

Whats worse than 13 dead babies nailed to a tree? One dead baby nailed to 13 trees!

SimplyLexi · Answer

A white lady is talking with her black friend when all of a sudden she runs out of her drink so she turns to her black friend and ask him to get her a refill. The black friend looks at her and asks, "Do I look like a slave to you?"

Anonymous · Answer

I'm not sure if this one falls under your critieria since it's a YouTube video, but I thought I'd throw it in anyways just for the heck of it :)

Anonymous · Answer

what's the name of a dog with just two front legs and iron balls? Flash xD

What is the funniest joke you have heard, told, read, or made up yourself?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

What is the funniest joke you have heard, told, read, or made up yourself?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.