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53Opinion
Normal people at flirting: "Hey sexy!"
My at flirting: "so...you...like breadsticks?"
Normal people at asking someone out: "I'll pick you up as seven baby"
My at asking someone out: "You wanna...go get some breadsticks?..."
Another chuckle +1
:p nice
I like breadsticks so it would work on me, lol.
@DeepBlue I didn't think about that, it would probably work for me as well. :-)
lol you guys crack me up. :p
lol is it sad that when I imagine talking to someone I like the only thing I can come up with is "... so, you like cheese?" This joke hit right at home lmao
Does dark humor count?
So a guy goes over to his friends house to hang out with him. But when he walks inside he ses his freind is hanging by a rope from the ceiling. The guystarts to panic, and tries to find scissors to cut him down. Just then, the phone rings. The guy answers it, and it's his friends's work. "Hello, Mr. So and So didn't come into work this morning. Can you get him for me?" The guy replies, "I would, be he's a little hung up right now."
lol
Dark humor does count, as does all humor. I haven't heard that one before. +1
I embelished a joke I head a bit:
A doctor is sitting outside the patients room, pacing back and forth, occasionally glancing in, nervously dreading what he must do. Finally he decides there is nothing for it, and walks into the room. He says "I don't know any other way of saying this, so I'll just tell you. You are going to have to stop masturbating."
The patient responds with unexpected shock and dismays saying "What?! Why?"
The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination."
I heard this from my preacher. No clue how it relates to church but I love it lol.
One day this frog named Kermit Jagger hops into a bank. He's really wanting to get a loan so he hops over to the lady in charge of loans, Patricia Wack. He greets her and tells her how much he wants. Patricia starts filling out the paperwork for him, but then she remembers to ask him if he has collateral. "Of course I have collateral! Here you go!" he says handing her a small porcelain elephant. She takes it and gives it a long look. "Excuse me for a moment". As she walks into the managers office she tells him what was happening. "And then he handed me this thing for collateral! I don't even know what it is!" The manager laughs, "It's a knick knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
that was cute lol
My lady friend told me about the night she was picked up by a black guy at a bar. After getting smashed and going to her place, they were getting it on. She said to him sexily, "show me it's true what they say about black guys..."
She got stabbed and then had her wallet stolen.
--
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Phelps can finish off a race.
--
What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile? Trying to fit in.
The last two jokes were terrific. +1
Those are just, just, just terrible... I feel a little worse about life after reading them, especially since I laughed.
This is nothing. I have one so repulsive I'm afraid of telling it because I might get banned.
lmfao
Xenomorph, you can tell it to me
I respect you now. Lol
Q:What's the definition of embarrassment?
A:Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose first.
Now that made me LOL. I would give you +2 but +1 is the limit.
A husband comes home and tells his wife he’s going to get a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. His wife asks him why he would do such an idiotic thing.
“Well,” he says, “I like to play with my money. I like to see my money grow. And, if you feel the need to blow $100, you won’t have to go to the mall.”
Unless your name is Pinocchio.
One morning in the office, a man mentions to a coworker that her hair smells nice today. The woman suddenly grows enraged, storms into her supervisor’s office, and declares loudly that she’s quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
“Come on,” says the supervisor. “What’s wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?”
“He’s a f***ing midget!”
lol.. very good one :p
2 words. vienna sausage.
10 guys were taking a shower, and there was only one soap.
They passed it around
Until one guy with butter fingers, dropped it.
...awkward silence...
One man takes the bullet and bends down to pick up the soap. he was never seen or heard from again. We all miss Steve.
lol thumbs up :) :p
LOL
I'm not sure if you guys'll like it, but I heard this one when I was a kid, and I thought it was funny, so here you go :)
One day this guy who can't swim was fishing In a river, the guy was pulled out to the deep end by a fish.
The man started to pray to god.
All of a sudden a guy in a boat comes to the rescue and asks, "do you need help"', the other guy then replies, "No it's fine, god will safe me".
Then another guy in a boat arrives and also asks "Hey, do you need help?"
The man then says "No it's fine, god will safe me".
A third man gets there and asks the same question "Do you need any help"?
The man then says "No thanks, god will safe me".
The man eventually drowns and dies, he meets god in heaven and asks "Why didn't you safe me"?
God then replies, "I sent three men after you, you a**hole"
My boss is a real slave master. He came up to my desk on Friday evening, and said "Hey Bob, I'm going to need you to come in tomorrow. There's a lot of extra work to be done."
I sighed and said, "Ok. But I've heard there's going to be some traffic disruptions tomorrow, so I might be in a little later than normal. Is that okay?"
"Sure" he said "When do you think you'll make it in?"
I thought about it for a second, and said "Oh, around 9am Monday morning."
This should be said for real... And I'm sure it has.
Halarious.
I rang my boss and said "I can't come in today. I'm too sick."
He said "You sound fine to me. How sick are you?"
I said, "I'm in bed with my sister. How sick do you want?"
I can't believe I laughed at that... lol
LOL
Lolol
Why don't you take a Pokémon in the bathroom with you?
Because it might Pik-a-chu!
:D
in college I put a Pik-a-chu in our bathroom because of this joke. No one ever got the joke, they always wondered what it was doing in there and I would never let them take it out.
one of my all-time favorite jokes right here <3
how do you get Pikachu on a bus?
you Pokemon!
xD
I was at a park the other day and I was wondering 'Why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?' and then it hit me...
That made me chuckle +1
lol
hhehehee
Whats so funny? O.o
:D
There are two sharks hunting for some food. They find a crowded beach and one of the sharks quickly aims for a person to eat. His shark friend stops him right before he's about to eat the poor bloke. The shark tells his friend "Hold on Tim, don't get ahead of yourself. You should swim in a circle around the guy before you eat him, trust me". So Tim starts circling the poor bloke. After a minute Tim goes to eat him again. His shark friend stops him again and says "woo, wow Tim take it easy mate. This time circle him, but put your fin out of the water so he can see it". Tim is annoyed, but does it anyway. Then after about a minute he eats the poor bloke. Tim tells his mate "wow that one tasted really good, all that swimming made a difference". To which his shark friend replied, "of course it did! They taste much better after you scare the shit out of them".
Some other honorable mentions...
A blind man walks into a bar, then a table, then a stool.
What do you call a guy who steals car hoods? A hoodlum.
What do you call a Mexican who can't find his car? Carlos
Just remembered this gem:
This super jacked bodybuilder/fighter goes to a grocery store to get a protein shake. Unfortunately, he can't find it anywhere. So he finds one of the workers and asks him " (Stuttering the whole time) Exx cus cus cus mmme si si sir, dd d do you you kn kn know whe where th the pro pro protein sha shakes a a are?". The worker just ignores him. So the stuttering bodybuilder/fighter asks him again and again the worker just ignores him. The bodybuilder/fighter is pissed off so he curses him off and walks away. A lady who had been watching the whole time went up to the worker and asks him "why were you being so rude to that guy? You should have told him where the protein shakes were". To which the worker replied, "(stuttering as well) Wh wh what a a are yo you cr cr crazy?"
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps
After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
Mike puts down his wrench from working on top of the engine, wipes his hands and ask his friend Bob, who is on a creeper rolling around under the car looking for leaks: "Hey Bob, if you woke up naked in the woods with your butt sticky and covered in Vaseline, would you tell anyone?"
Bob yells from somewhere unseen under the vehicle, "!$#@%! NO! Why in the hell would I tell someone about that!?!"
Mike nonchalantly says, "Nevermind." and then after a moment Mike asks, "Hey...I'm going camping this weekend. Got any plans?"
Here's the other:
One homosexual pulls back, smacking his lips, looks over his shoulder and says irately to his complaining straight friend: "It's not gay if I'm wearing this mini-skirt, make-up, wig, perfume, and six-inch pumps! Now keep your eyes closed and do what I do with your finger!"
Tanning Mom &
One day a bear and a rabbit were taking a sh*t in the forest. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have a problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No." So the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass.
:0
LOL...8P
Haha, I was thinking of puttiing this one too, definitely one of my favorites :)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no eye deer. LoL . Its corny but when I heard it, It tickled the hell out of me for some reason haha
It is a little corny, but it made me smile and I'm sure it will others. And that is all that matters.
I know where you got that from.
lol I liked it ;p
@ Lj236 right?! LoL
@ XxDrexX then you know how it makes me laugh then haha
@question asker yeah it does make people smile haha
oh geeze people really dislike that joke ! or maybe just me haha. oh well
Some people just don't like corn.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?... 'Still' no eye deer?! ;o)
LoL!
three people agree and three people disagree. how can you either agree or disagree with a joke?
This reminded me of another corny joke I know:
How do you catch a unique bunny?
You 'nique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bunny?
Tame way: you 'nique up on it.
lol That was great. I liked cmknoll3's joke a bit better though but props to both of you.
Thanks ! LoL I know its not amazing but it still gets me. Its easy to make me laugh I guess haha
This one was told to me by another G@G user from George Carlin:
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Now laugh with me apes. muwahahahahaha
I'm not sure if that's a joke or statement but since it was from George Carlin, my favorite comedian (may he rest in peace), +1
it's a truthful statement and totally funny
What do you call a black person flying a plane?
A pilot.
Always love a racist joke that's not racist.
I don't think jokes sound funny on paper. They must be delivered verbally. Here's a joke I just remembered, anyways:
Q:What is the most important question for safe sex?
A: "When does your husband get home?"