Why are nice guys so hard to find?

[chocofrog1]

I don't mean nice by personality. Thinking more along the lines o a good boy. There are so many guys that I think are nice and would definitely consider dating them, although many of them have had multiple girlfriends and/or friends with benefits and/or one night stands. I have never had a boyfriend and have never kissed anyone. I am not looking for Mr Perfect, I just want a nice guy that has a good job and is working on his career, but on top of that I don't want a promiscuous man. Am I looking for something that is not reality?

PS: I am not religious, and those are not my reasons for not sleeping with someone. I just don't believe in casual sex and haven't met anyone worth the time to sleep with.

[Tarvold]

Oh... where do I begin...

Nice guys AREN'T that hard to find. The problem is, girls don't find them attractive until they're well into their 20's, by which stage, ALL the girls seem to find them attractive at the same time. (ok, maybe not ALL... but you get my point).

Now think about this from the guy's perspective. During his horniest, and unfortunately, dorkiest pubescent years, he's been conditioned to accept that girls will usually pass him over for the jocks and the cool pretty boys. So he goes and focuses on his work, gets great grades, gets an awesome job, go to grad school, builds a career, and before he knows it he turns from this dork who can't buy a girl a drink at a bar, to getting all this attention from women who were previously unattainable.

And guess what? The majority of these girls have a pretty healthy attitude towards sex, and he finally gets a taste of what he's longed for all these years. So he continues to go on these dates, and sometimes he gets lucky and falls in love fast and finds his happily ever after early. Sometimes he gets his heart broken and gets lured into the dark side. Whatever the case, this former geek has discovered his new found powers of being the highly sought after guy, and the girls are finding that they have to compete for his attention and his time.

So let me ask you this now. Why would a nice desirable guy pick YOU from the crowd to be his happy ever after? Why should he wait for sex with YOU when it's being offered without issue by others? Why should he not take up those opportunities to have fun with other people just because he hasn't yet met YOU? Why are YOU worth the time for him to sleep with?

The answer, unfortunately, is that for you to get what you want, you need to invest in time with a guy for his future potential and help him grow towards that, rather than just sit back and wait for a guy that's already gained success. A guy that's already found his success has options, and you don't have or want to do what it takes to compete at that level.

[NonchalantBro]

The insight and understanding in this reply is refreshing, and rare around here. +1

[RubyRedRox]

Love the insight +1

Very true.

[chocofrog1]

I am not looking for a guy that has everything career wise already, I am looking for someone who is at a similar level as me, therefore working on their career, but has a retail job on the side for extra cash aka not lazy. I am just looking for a guy that hasn't had one night stands and FWB, someone that has the same morals as me, but I am finding it a struggle.I do agree with what you say though, thanks!

[NhuanVan]

It rare to find a nice guy who is a virgin and have strong moral codes. Lol well i am one of them however i choice to stay single because I promise my beloved best friend before she passed away I will do great things for society and for peoples that i care. I will always keep my promise i always keep.

[GoodManDave]

1) Well, when the girls grow into cool women, I would think they (we) tend to get snatched up pretty quickly.

2) Hard to find because they might be in different places from you. Me, I go out a few times a week 1) being guys nights out 2) church stuff 3) business stuff; I'm usually in a different state of mind than "cruising for chicks." I rarely go out just to meet single women, and I'm not interested in the meat market kind of venue.

3) They might be rare because they're either pressured into it (and start thinking everyone else does it, why not me?) They get mistreated, or they sometimes hide in plain sight.

4) I'm a good guy, but most girls don't want me (Which is OK. I'm looking for a type of woman, not just any girl). Most girls, even the supposed self proclaimed "good girls" are WAY more sexually promiscuous than I'm interested in, and I'm not sexually experienced enough for what THEY'RE interested in.

They want a guy who's their type AND experienced in that way, and since that sort of thing is automatically of the table with me, there's really no interest from them.

We exist, but a lot of us are dying out to weird pressure, and we tend to lose the things that should be important and kind of sacred/special.

[chocofrog1]

Where do we find nice guys? How do you start a conversation with a guy that doesn't approach you first? I never cruise for a guy either, and I think that's where the problem is. We are both just getting on with life and not on a hunt like that bad boys. I have crushed on my share of bad boys, but they are so boring. I would never date them, they are just cute, end of story. Well, I am looking for a type of guy.

[chocofrog1]

continued... See, whenever I thought a guy is a good boy, I find out later on that he has a few friends with benefits, which is a huge turn off for me. I don't mind if he has had girlfriends, but to be able to have a one night stand or anything to that matter, I don't understand, because sex is suppose to be intimate, not shared like a handshake. See, I go clubbing rarely, and I'm usually shocked with the way that girls behave, it's disgusting. I agree with everything you said. Thanks!

[GoodManDave]

Well, that's the trick. Some of us guys have difficulties finding women; we find so many girls masquerading as women, and like the boys pretending to be men, it can give you all a bad rap if we let it.

I would say that you might have better luck with certain types of churches (though you're not religious, so that might be out), charities - things that can tend to provide more guys that are less shallow and self centered (though there are plenty of creepy scheezoids at these places, too.

[RubyRedRox]

Honey unfortunately this isn't the mystical forest of some Disney movie. I have seen people have un-happily ever afters, which is why they choose to believe in bull crap like happy dappy comedies and fairy tales, it keeps them going. The real world is harsh.

I for one would love to have a nice dedicated virgin boy (who is decent looking) with a heart of gold and a grad school diploma accompanied by a corridor lined up with opportunities. But that's just so freaking hard to find, and even if you do us average girls, although super fun/cute/nice/smart ect... still probably won't live up to their standards. They probably worked hard (or are working hard) to be somewhere and in the end they want what they deserve (and nothing less).

Now that still doesn't mean they can't fall for a nice average girl (like ourselves, very unlikely) and get lucky in the end, or an evil soul sucking succubus in the form of a model (very unlucky and very common).

The only thing you can do is to have an open mind and meet people. What usually happens when you see average looking women with attractive successful men (the whole packaged deal) is that she met him when he was a diamond in the rough and she stuck by him through thick and thin and in the end got what she deserved for having an open mind and an open heart.

Sorry for the wordiness, there's more I want to say but naw.

[chocofrog1]

No I agree with you 100% and I am not looking for a guy that is already successful. I just want someone on the same level as me, someone that is building their career path and determined to get it. I would be there to support him because I believe that is what a relationship is. It would build the trust as well. I just want a good boy that is not into FWB and one night stands because to me that is showing lack of self respect. Thanks!

[RubyRedRox]

I agree, I am not into the whole casual sex thing either, in fact I kinda made a vow when I was younger and now I have to keep it, which is why I would prefer a virgin or a non-sluty man

[definebeauty]

To be completely honest, looking back at my life I went through a plethora of nice guys. I dn't mean I dated them but they wanted to date me. I either turned them down, was not aware that they had an interest in me and waited to long, or treated them like dirt. Sometimes the nice guys with the job, good work ethic, and a future are standing right there and have been for quite some time, patiently waitig for their turn with you.

I admire your standards. That is good.

[chocofrog1]

yes, they probably are right there next to me. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Well I suppose I'm a good guy, I'm slightly above average looking, intelligent and reserved. In terms of my career, I've yet to even pick a path and this scares me more than anything - even though my mind is sharp and I enjoy reading for empowerment.

The qualities you're looking for do exist, it's just they're often few and far inbetween. The only realistic suggestions I can make are dress maturely and look in the right places. You're not going to have any luck in raucous bars and should try places like coffee shops, libraries etc. In other words, places that are not bars. You also need to be equally good on how to spot a good guy and it'll be for the same reasons as I told you how to behave. I've met the best girls in coffee shops and libraries.

Another advice, never trust a guy who says 'I love you' early on in a relationship. I personally find saying those words extremely difficult, they're not words that should be used flamboyantly. I can't really speak for all good guys, but I would never date anyone who has a history of dating bad boys - I'm not a consolation prize and I have greater dignity for myself.

[chocofrog1]

See if I met a guy like you who is still on a hunt for his career but is willing to find one and go for it, that's cool with me. Although, I would prefer that he has chosen a path already. I rarely go clubbing, and when I do I find it fun to dance but never hook up with anyone because I don't want my first kiss to be outside of a relationship. Might sound stupid to you but that's what I want. How do you strike a conversation with guys like you?

Haha, I don't trust guys. Thanks!

[Opinion Owner]

I heard a saying once that a woman's loyalty is tested when her man has nothing, while a man's-- when he has everything. Very True.

Someone like me, all you have to do is walk up to me and say hello - a good guy is never judgmental (useful indicator). Some guys might be nervous, to counter this just strike up a conversation of interest - this will make it continuous. Remember, being flirted with is equally scary as flirting yourself. Show neutrality if you can.

[Opinion Owner]

I forgot to add that the good guys are typically shy. It's because they want to get to know you first until they feel comfortable. Shyness can be read as rudeness, just be patient with them- it's a social defense mechanism. I believe that if I'm nothing and she's willing to stay with me, then she's the one- it means I can trust her fully and not because I'm wearing a Rolex.

My 1st kiss was outside affair- boring. Good you want yours in a relationship. Wish there were more like you. Gives hope.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure there are plenty of good guys out there, you might not see them though because they might be friends of yours or something (damn friend zone), but I want to know why you think a guy having had a one night stand or friends with benefits isn't a good guy? Unless its clearly not these reasons then fair enough, but maybe he wanted to be more than friend with benefits but she didn't, maybe he didn't want a one night stand to end there and wanted it to be more, is that not possible? I like to think I am a nice guy, I will do anything for anyone and try to help them, I just kinda **** up a bit when it comes to girls, especially those I'm interested in, and I wouldn't particularly want to be friends with benefits or just have a one night stand just because I'm that sort of guy, there are those types of guy out there trust me, but if I thought that this girl I had been talking to one night while out somewhere would want to be more than friends, and if she brought it up, and it led to sex, but she didn't want more, would that make me a bad guy? All I'm trying to say is that these guys might actually be good guys, but you can't see past the things that sound bad straight off.

Also, do you, like most girls, say a good guy but then mean a guy that was a douche but is now nicer so seems like a nice guy now in comparison or do you actually want a nice guy, no matter what he looks like?

[chocofrog1]

I understand your points, and I was once willing to look past the whole FWB thing, but I find it disgusting, personally wouldn't be able to do it, therefore would find it a turn off if he did that stuff in the past or even last week haha. I do mind about looks, but I am more after personality that anything.I just need to find him attractive, he doesn't have to be attractive to everyone else.

[Opinion Owner]

When I suggested checking the friend zone, it wasn't for a guy to be FWB with, it was to look for a nice guy. I, like a lot of other nice guys, have unfortunately found our way into the friend zone of someone who is wanting what we have, by that I mean a nice guy that hasn't had one night stands because he is hung up on a girl like you usually. Heck, the friend zone is the best place to check since most girls want a guy to be their boyfriend and a great friend too.

[Opinion Owner]

It isn't FWB unless you guys date or whatever, since the only thing that will change between you is the sex, but at least check the friend zone for all of us nice guys that are stuck there.

[chocofrog1]

I like your response and you are really helping me out. Although, I would like to know how anything starts with a nice guy? Does he try to chase a girl if he likes her, or does he just wait for something to happen? Do you usually show the girls you like that you have feelings for her, or do you just wait for her to show you a sign? Thanks for your help :)

[Opinion Owner]

In the past I had hoped for a sign of some sort before approaching, even now I would still like that as I'm sure all guys would like, so if you like a guy try and make it is as obvious as possible without saying or you could just ask him out. But now I ask to meet up and just hang out or go to the cinema or something, and I don't think the girl I like has noticed though, or she just isn't even hinting if she does like me at all.

[Crazycanuck]

think about what you Consider a "Nice guy" to be if its a 24 year old who's mature never had a girl friend, and in his third year of med school and isn't overly sexutual active then good luck. I'm not saying that you won't find the right guy there are planty of guys out there who are like that. I'm just saying that you have to accept the fact that most 20-28 yearolds have had girlfriends, are sexually active, look at p*rn, go to strip clubs...ect. further more on careers guys have brains like boxes which means they can only focus on one thing at a time so that means the majority of guys who are focusing on their careers and jobs are not really looking for a relationship or already have girlfriends.

I don't mean to discourage you but that's just the truth

[chocofrog1]

I know that what you say is true. I know I am looking for someone that probably doesn't exist. I am not looking for a virgin, but I am looking for a guy that has the same morals as me (no f*** buddies, or one night stands). It's okay if he has had gf's. My sister wants to introduce me to a guy 24 year old guy that has never had a girlfriend, but I don't know if that means he is a virgin. Just because he never had a girlfriend, that doesn't mean he never had sex.

[Theguyoverthere]

Nice guys are everywhere. It's just that girls choose to ignore them. Girls constantly have opportunities to be with good people but they choose otherwise. I'm not talking about the "nice guy" that is insecure as hell and stuck at home feeling sorry for himself. Well-developed guys with good jobs and a stable lifestype are what I'm talking about. Another thing, these guys don't have time for girls who don't know what they want. So if I see a girl and get a sense that she is going to disrupt my lifestyle with drama, I look elsewhere.

Also having FWB situations and one night stands are perfectly acceptable. Two people engaging in an activity where neither gets hurt is perfectly fine. It's the guys leading girls into thinking a relationship is coming for such a thing that gives it a bad name.

[chocofrog1]

I don't agree with it being acceptable. Yes maybe to some but I don't think it's a nice thing to do, but that's my opinion. I would never date someone that has a f*** buddy or a FWB

[vidovidovid]

honestly saying yes, such nice guys are harder to find these days. it's a fact and no one can deny it. it's because of todays trashy lifestyle. guys and girls learn to live a lifestyle that has no goal but to have fun. ofcourse there are still many nice guys and girls around the world( like yourself ) but the chances to meet them is not as hight as before. these kind of guys you're looking for, are harder to find in clubs and bars.because they tend to have a goal in their lives . as I said you before you should look for them somewhere else. and don't rush you're just 22 years old and you have a lot of time of finding him ( or he finding you ;) ) ...

i wish the most handsome charming nice guy for you to have forever :D

[Heretic]

"I just want a nice guy that has a good job and is working on his career, but on top of that I don't want a promiscuous man."

That's like when guys say they want a beautiful, nice girl who is also inexperienced. Dream on.

[chocofrog1]

Well I believe I will find it, I just don't know where to look. I also believe that I am beautiful (not trying to be cocky), I am definitely a nice girl and 100% inexperienced. I have many guys chase me, but I don't want a guy that has had more girls than he can count on his one hand.

[6Paul11]

Because nice guys are often used and abused. No man wants to be that guy.

[RubyRedRox]

Sadly true, all the harpies in the form of goddesses snatch all the good boys up and suck their souls dry for sport. But the good boys fall for they're disguise.

No way will you ever see a boy talking to a nice lady in a library, they look for love in bars.

[chocofrog1]

That is very true. I also agree with @RubyRedRox with the girls snatching up the good boys. I have witnessed this myself. One girl that I knew went after a boy that was a virgin. He was waiting for marriage and she decided that she will break him. What was even worse was that she succeeded. It was all a game to her. So she had her share of fun and now she wants a very good boy. She is sick!

[6Paul11]

I'll tell you one thing though. Not every "nice guy" is a total wimp. I'm a bad boy in many ways. Scars, martial arts, former medic in the Middle East, and enough life experience to make a movie, but I work in a library. There is often more than meets the eye. ;)

[gsashburn]

Nice Guys aren't hard to find. For the most part, we're avoided like the plague for reasons that are untrue stereotypes.

The type of nice guy that suffers the worst are those with some type of physical disability. They're not given any kind of chance to show a woman what they have to offer.

How do I know this? Because I am both of those described above. Believe me, it gets to me.

[TheUglyOne]

Nice guys are everywhere. They just have the sex appeal of a dead animal in the road.

[chocofrog1]

Haha, but once you get to know that dead animal on the road, they could be the best guys you know!

[Prof_Don]

Because most of these "nice guys" are introverts and don't draw attention to themselves.

[Olivers]

guys come in many form bad and good you just have the right one maybe your looking in the wrong place

[chocofrog1]

I think I am looking in the wrong place, but then again I am not looking in clubs. I have met guys through friends but even those guys aren't what I want. Where do I find nice guys?

[Scarecrow13]

They are everywhere but often go unnoticed because they are not as outgoing as the jerks.

[Konnour]

Maybe you scare them away?

[chocofrog1]

Maybe I do, but maybe I haven't met one yet as well?

[Konnour]

Anything could be - you better need to ask this to someone who knows you personally, someone who sees you from their perspective, I and other people from the Net obviously know nothing about you apart from what you tell.

[chocofrog1]

I know that I don't scare them away. I think I just don''t know how to spot one and pay him the attention

[Konnour]

Nobody got "N.I.C.E." stamped on their foreheads...