Should I let my boyfriend babysit his ex girlfriend's daughter. It's not even his daughter.

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend broke up with his ex who she has a daughter. my boyfriend got really attached to the little girl. and when ever he cans he wants to babysit her. 2me this just sends wrong signals to his ex. there's no reason for him to babysit a baby who is not his. there's dads out there who don't care about their children and he wants to take care of a baby its not his? I try for it not to bother me so much since its only a little girl. but his w me now and by him doing that shows he hasn't moved on. plus his ex its not over him she's dating someone else and still calls my boyfriend for w.e help she needs like money, and helping her move to her new place and he was going 2help her but didn't cause I told him how the idea bothered me so much. conclusion what should I do about this situation with him wanting to babysit his ex daughter.

[UKgirl1492]

Wow. I found this question because I too am in the exact same situation. My boyfriend started dating his ex when her daughter was 1 year old. They dated for 6 years and broke up last spring. The girl has a father, however he can only see her every other weekend. The two of us have been together for a year now and he sees and takes the little girl out once a week. When we first started dating he did also give his ex money, however I did feel that that crossed a line and it ended. He does help her move things though and eats over there when he's seeing the little girl (which is kinda strange knowing your boyfriend's ex is cooking him dinner). They also go out the three of them for birthdays and spend holiday time together where him and his ex still exchange gifts. It is not easy. I was not aware of the extent of the situation when we first started dating, and by the time I knew it was this strong of a bond I was already in love with him. I don't know how it is in your case, but I'm not allowed to meet the little girl because her mother does not want me around her. That is very hard. Our house is covered in pictures of the two of them together, and when she comes over I have to leave. I had to make a personal decision as to either be okay with this situation and stay with him, or not, and leave, because it is not my place to tell him what to do.

I can tell you that some days are better than others, and its not fun when you are alone and your know that your boyfriend is out with his ex and her daughter like a little family. If you really love him though you will see that this is not something that is cause to leave him. He is obviously a good man and you just want your good man all to yourself ;). That's understandable, but it isn't possible. It's clear to me that all you can do is see what the future holds. I know it will help me a lot when the day comes when I can meet the little girl. I love children as well and she is darling. Hopefully one day you can be included in this part of his life too, and when that happens everything will look a lot brighter.

[Anonymous]

You do not say how old this child was when they got together and how long they were together. Overall, I would say that he should not be doing this unless he was clearly taking the full role of dad to this little girl since she was very, very young. If her dad has completely stepped out of the picture and he sees himself as her dad (and the mom does too), that is a tough one. However, it doesn't really sound like that. It's not like you mention him having regular custody of her, he's just helping out with babysitting.

I think it is very kind and thoughtful of him to offer this but I would also feel strange and uncomfortable if my boyfriend was doing something like this, not just babysitting, but also helping her with money and other matters. It would clearly feel like he still had ties to his ex. If I thought how it would feel if a guy revealed to me on our first date that he still liked to babysit his ex's child and help his ex out, well I would not go on a second date. I would prefer he take the time he needed to really sever ties with his ex before I would date him again.

Since you are already in a relationship with him, if all else is good with him, then just be honest with him about your feelings while not being pushy or naggy. The reality is, he is not the father and over time when his ex finds a new boyfriend, well I doubt her new boyfriend will be cool with this arrangement and things will naturally fall into place.

[hisangel]

I think you need to look at what kind of man your boyfriend is and go from there.

If he seems like he is really still in love with his ex and is the kind of man who would cheat, then yes, this should bother you cause he is trying to stay in the ex's life in the hopes of getting back with her.

But what it sounds like is he doesn't want her anymore but is a good guy who is continuing to care about the people who were once in his life. If he actually wanted for her, they would be together because she wants him back. So it doesn't sound like he wants her. It sounds like he cares deeply about a little girl that was once in his life, probably at one time wanted to be her father or at least wanted to be a huge influence in her life, and doesn't want that to change. And he also is the kind of guy who can't severe ties with the people who he cared about at one time.

If he is a faithful guy I wouldn't worry about it. I would take it as a sign I picked a good, faithful man. Also, as time goes on the best intentions get thrown by the wayside. I know now he is always over there but sometimes life kicks in and if there isn't a responsibility to the little girl he will probably see her less and less.

It sounds like you have a good guy and just realize that the way he is treating his ex might be the way he treats you someday. Having a man who is kind to the women in his past says a lot about him.

[AnonymousDude]

human kindness

all moves, actions and decisions do not have to be based on if the kid is theirs, it's their ex, or sexual attraction when it comes to doing something for a girl (or even guys). People can be nice, in this case a little girl needs babysitting, he is willing to help...

him helping doesn't mean he likes you less, likes her more or anything, he's just.. nice

"2me this just sends wrong signals to his ex. there's no reason for him to babysit a baby who is not his"

this attitude is the cancer that is killing an important feature of being human, kindness.

[Thiezz]

If he considers her to be his daughter (even though she technically isn't his) I don't think it's fair of you to tell him he can't see her anymore (he'll likely decide he'll just have to find another girlfriend who is more reasonable). I'm somewhat surprised that you seem to prefer a guy who would abandon his children when he gets a new girlfriend over one that keeps taking care of them.

Could it be that you're not so much bothered by him still looking after 'his' daughter, but by the fact that he also takes care of his ex?

[little-miss-adorable]

im going to say something straight off the bat. Two things, actually.

1. Its very easy to get attatched to children. I babysit these two girls, and I looove being with them, theyre so much fun.

2. You're being selfish.

He spent time with this little girl, and obviously got very attatched to her. he's taking on a role that many guys would be afraid to approach, and yet he devotes some of his time to her. This little girl now has someone that resembles a father figure, and that's very important. So what if she's not his biologically? You're going to come in and demand that he spend more time with you, and not her. You have to understand that this little girl will always benefit from the time she spent with your boyfriend, and that she's going to grow up with his influence on the side. You, at best, will have a husband. At the very best. What does that do for you? A ring on your finger. Is that likely? I don't know.

You have to put yourself aside and wonder what's better for this little girl. Step out of the picture, which you don't even belong in, and look around. Everyone is benefitting from this experience. You're boyfriend will spend time with the little one, the mother will have time to herself, and the little girl will have a father figure.

grow up.

[fitch4ever]

Even if the girl isn't his daughter, maybe she feels like one to him. When you're used to being around someone for a while, (preferably a little girl) you kind of get attached. You shouldn't blame his for this. I'm taking it the little girl is missing a father, (if she isn't then that's whole different story) have you ever thought maybe your boyfriend felt like a dad, or maybe a brother? And when he babysits her, that means his ex goes at somewhere, there not together, right? As long as he doesn't show any feelings for his ex, and only the daughter, I don't think you have much to worry about.

[SuperMommie13]

I think you should get over it. It doesn't show that he hasn't moved on. It shows he's commited to being a father figure for that little girl regardless of her not being his blood. You should not stand in the way of that. You have every right to be mad at him for helping the ex, but not when it comes to that little girl.

[kmhco]

Its probably good for that little girl to have a stable male figure in her life. you said the reason yourself, he is attached to this little girl. its a good thing he didn't do that other stuff though, that seems to be over the line. Wanting to be a part of this girls life is not a situation. if you feel uncomfortable with it, maybe you should go with him a couple of times.

[kisi85]

Oh hun, I wouldn't worry! I got attached to my mum's partner when I was young, and same with my dad's. If he was a father figure to her when he was with her mother, that shouldn't have to change just because he isn't with the woman now. Doesn't mean anything. It's about the little girl. Maybe you could babysit with him. Get to know her. Might be a good idea.

[Friday1994]

Well, over time, if the litle girls real dad isn't around she could have formed that bond with your boyfriend, to that little girl it doesn't matter what happened between him and her mother, she just wants that father figure, and it isn't easy for him to brake that bond either. I don't see anything wrong with him babsitting her. Even alittle money now and then is fine, if she doesn't have any. As long isn't much. It's hard to brake those bonds, and that little girl will always need a father figure in her life.

[m3TALchick]

Unfortunately when someone is in that situation I can see how it would be hard to give up a relationship with someone's daughter, but she has no right to ask him to baby sit. Especially if that's not his kid; he has no obligation to it. He shouldn't even really want to if he's moved on. He has his own life to live now and he should be worrying about your needs not his ex's. I might be hard for him to say good bye forever to her daughter; but its the right thing to do.

[nermalinda]

Basically, let your boyfriend make his own decisions. Don't try to change or control what he does. If you can't accept it or don't like it, then re-evaluate whether or not you really want to be with him. If you decide you don't like the way he handles things, maybe you should let him go and look for someone who doesn't have all this kind of baggage from past relationships.

[Vieanna]

Yeah, it seems like their both wanting to have their cake and eat it to. To use a cliche.

Maybe you can babysit the little girl with him. But giving her money and everything else should be out of the question.

[Anonymous]

Im going the same thing. I love him but something tells me he still has feelings for her. She cheated and got pregnant and he didn't find out til a year later. But he loves the little girl. I think the ex is using him and its killing me!