When a woman gives too much too fast, she is perceived as desperate or a doormat, starving for approval and love?

When a woman gives too much too fast, she is perceived as desperate or a doormat, starving for approval and love?

In my experience, many women believe or partake in a certain trend that I believe is a fallacy. They think that the more they give a man early on, the more the man will love in return.

I am NOT saying that women should be selfish or unkind. I am talking about overcompensating herself to that point that she looks needy, like she is putting herself at an inconvenience to win his love and affection. Sometimes they go too far, to the point you can tell they are clearly sacrificing, and the man can tell that she doesn't have that much respect for herself because she is simply giving too much, or doing too much for him, just to keep him around, when he hasn't even given her much on his own.

Have you ever seen this before?

Here are some examples I am talking about:
1) Girls who will send pics of themselves nearly naked or naked to a guy who isn't their boyfriend and who didn't even ask for pics. The guy says something back like "ha" or "nice"...because he isn't really that interested in her. He probably thinks that sending pics of her nearly naked body when they just hooked up a few times, don't talk regularly, and he doesn't care to talk to her regularly, makes her desperate, like she will do anything just for his attention.

2) I know a girl who was just hooking up with a guy. He never even asked her on a proper date. He would go weeks without talking to her, just hit her up when he wanted sex pretty much, AND he expected her to travel over an hour by train to see him. She readily did, and not only that but she baked him a cake! So he had this girl, travelling to see him, bringing him a cake, on last minute notice, just to have sex. She felt like she was giving so much. But really, in all honesty...she is a sweet girl...she wants to show how she loves him..but to him it looks like wow, she loves him so much, she bakes for him, travels to him, and to get all this, all he has to do is text her once in a while, for sex. If I was the guy, I would think she is desperate...all he does is have sex with her, doesn't even take her out on dates, talk to her regularly, or travel to see her! Damn!

In short, it is where a guy never said or showed he wanted a relationship, maybe he just wants to hook up, but the girl will do things for him as if she is his girlfriend. To him, fair or not, she is a girl who is desperate, acting like there is a serious relationship where there is really none at all.

I can see why a guy would think a girl is desperate then..it's like "Damn, she will do all this for me, and I barely gave her anything at all, she must not respect herself!"
In all fairness, it may feel uncomfortable. Guys know when they have no intentions besides sex. If she is giving SO much, they may feel guilty, like wow, why is she doing all this for me when I told her I don't want a relationship and that I am not serious about her?
In a way, it makes them pity her.

I think that a girl needs to be careful, play on the guy's playing field. If you she is cool with casual sex, that's fine. But if she falls in love with him and tries to "Win him over" by giving a lot, he will view her as weak and desperate, most of the time. This is what I have seen. Honestly, even if he is just keeping you around for sex and you stay for a long time...he can tell when it's a case where you love him but don't let go. People want what they can get. If you'll have sex he'll take it. But if he's banging you and not making it official, he's thinking to himself: "Why doesn't this girl find a man who actually wants to date her?" He respects you less for it.

It also comes in smaller areas. Even in a relationship for example-if a guy thinks she has no life, no hobbies outside of him, and she is smothering him, or basically being his mama or maid...it can be overwhelming!

How do we prevent this? Women should see how invested the man is. If he is your boyfriend and loyal, then by all means, have sex, bake for him, etc. But if he is treating you like crap, don't GIVE more to win him over! He will just respect you less.

Girls say men use them. Well you know what? Be careful girls! I know you want to give because you love him. But as harsh as it may sound, men respect women who respect themselves. If she has no boundaries, or will do ANYTHING for you when you are doing far less in return, well then guess what...he thinks you are weak. And ultimately men don't want want a weak woman...they fear she won't be able to take care of children! A lot of this is biological...they fear she will be too weak, too needy, unable to protect the kids.

I had some boyfriends. I've made this mistake before, in more than one way. And I learned from it, and will not do it again. Later on, the men respected me for respecting myself!

-I had sex before I was ready (we were only in a relationship for a month, and I felt like he wasn't that serious) because I felt like if I didn't he would pressure me. That's right, I didn't respect my own wishes, feelings, or body. I didn't feel so comfortable with him (for good reason, he ended up being a liar and disrespectful) but I was scared that he would "hate" me for not having sex with him-I was so desperate to keep him around that I had sex. At least we were dating, in a relationship too, but I knew I was giving up too much for him and he probably thought so too, because he respected me less after sex.

-I had a guy I dated for a long time but was NOT serious. He only wanted my body. While I refused to have sex, he would ask me for sexy pics. I refused nudes but I sent him some stuff I was not comfortable with (bikini stuff mostly) because I wanted his approval. And he would go MIA on me and I would take him back.

Only YOU have control over yourself, and ONLY yourself. You can't "control" how someone feels about you, or whether he will stay. Girls mistakenly think they can, by GIVING more to make him stay. That's sadly not how it works. By giving too fast too soon, when he isn't meeting you halfway, you say:

"I have low self-respect, and low standards. This little bit of attention/sex you are giving me, I'm so desperate for that so I will do anything you want to keep me around. It's ok if you talk down to me or ignore me for days or treat me like my feelings don't matter. I will keep baking for you, doing your laundry...etc...because I cannot bear to be alone, I am too needy"

Sadly, this is how many men view a woman who sacrifices too much too soon. They KNOW you are trying too hard. They respect a woman who stands on her own feet, who isn't trying to BUY or WIN his love.

Be kind, be respectful, don't be selfish. But there is a line between these things, and overcompromising.

For example: A girl does her own thing. She meets a guy she likes. He asks her on a real date. It goes well. She is kind,says thank you at the end of the night, is polite to him. She lets him proceed. If he doesn't ask her out again or call her she realizes that he wasn't so interested, and even if she is hurt she has more respect than to run after him or try and win him over...with sex before she is ready...etc.

In my experience, a man respects a girl with boundaries. One who doesn't have them, he will walk all over, because why not?

In general life, people are more respectable when they don't let others walk all over them. It's plain old biology. The strong surive. We want a strong mate who will survive. And that's really what I think it comes down to.


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What Guys Said 4

  • I agree with this take. Though it's personally not applicable to my life considering any girl that shows perhaps "too" much interest or shows too much love, even early on, would probably only make me keener, but that's only because I'm usually an unappealing person from most female points of view.

    The sex thing would probably be a turn-off, though. I don't think I'd be as interested in a girl if she wanted to jump into it so early, but that's due to moral beliefs, as opposed to "oh, this girl is easy/desperate."

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  • I wish I could find one of these girls:) Instead they've all been flaky and nearly impossible to take out on a date.

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  • A man that wants a woman will never hold it against her for trying hard. Only guys that were not interested in the 1st place (without being creepy). If a guy had a woman he was interested in baking him a cake to deliver it by train while also screwing his brains out, he'd most likely have 'long termpotential' flags popping out.

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    • My point is he has to be interested first, if he is showing it then that's ok, but if a woman is running after a guy not interested...

    • loved this

  • Speak for yourself.

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What Girls Said 2

  • if sex running softer a guy who's not interested then he's not interested anyway, her running after him has nothing to do with it. your judging her is the only problem.

    she and anyone else has a right to go after whoever she wants however she wants. shell learn on her own what works for her what she's comfortable with and what her limit is. thats for HER to decide. not you. and its not your place and its beyond your capacity to look on the outside and know why she's doing what she's doing. she might just like sending pics goodness knows i get tons of unwanted pics from random guys. some people just like to. and sleeping with a guy means she wants sex.

    its not for you to supply the motivation. some people like doing nice things for others. and by that persons reception they can determine of they are interested in them,-not just if the person they are doing things for is interested in them. a persons character is largely exposed based on their reaction to things you do for them. not the things they do for you. its easy to plan to be nice when you do something. but reacting to a surprise is much more telling.

    anyhow how people go about their lives is their business. effort should be applauded. a person doesn't get credit based on interest they get credit for being courageous. you're expecting have her wait to see if he's interested before she can feel good about taking care of going after what she wants. her worth is basses on what she does not what someone else feels. effort is always valued even if feelings are not reciprocated.

    i think trying to make people feel desperate just bc you dont like how they go after what they want reflects very badly on the accuser.

    No. a person does not need to wait to know someone is interested before making a move. thats the POINT of making a move. to find out. you're putting women in a very subservient position but your logic and its not healthy nor proactive.

    @A girl does her own thing. She meets a guy she likes. He asks her on a real date. It goes well. She is kind, says thank you at the end of the night, is polite to him. She lets him proceed. If he doesn't ask her out again or call her she realizes that he wasn't so interested, and even if she is hurt she has more respect than to run after him or try and win him over... with sex before she is ready... etc.

    how is that 'her' thing?

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    • she's smiling nodding hanging onto his every word and wqaiuting. tryouts inmost her doing her own thing thats him doing his thing and her being oprnbamental in the p[rocess. not funbcxtional. i

      if she were to ask him out or do whatever it kis she feels comfortable doing -whiuch could be the sactrip[t you wrote or anything else she does- that would be her doing her thing.

      waiting around for someone else to make a move bcc someone told yo0u to, isn't doing your own thing and i dont see anything respectable about being a doormat., if people can't respect you for being proactive, then they can't respect you and you're better off without them.

      I agree that strength and respect and dignity are important, but that does not come from being led around like a -pet speaking only when spoken to acting only when given permission- by another person. How a person manifests strength is for them to decide not someone else.

      were all human. were all figuring out the best way to be human.

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    • thinking for yourself is not a door mat.

    • I found this insanely difficult to read.

      Please learn proper English before you type up something this long, again. Either that or don't type something this long from your phone.

  • You can show affection and emotions and not be a door mat at the same time

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