I know what you’re thinking. Why? What were you thinking? Well you know those pop ups you get on nefarious websites? The one’s that say, ‘click this link and we’ll tell you how to exploit a loophole in the female psyche and make any girl want you?’ Maybe you don’t, anyway it doesn’t matter if you have or you haven’t - I’m lying. The thing about lying is the more you do it the better you get at it and the better you get at it, the easier it becomes. I took it too far though I hurt someone I ended up caring for and I’ve only myself to blame for that.
It all started a couple of months ago. I went on a date with this girl, she wasn’t even that good looking we just had similar interests and she laughed at my jokes which, was enough for me to want to go on a second date with her. I didn’t think the second date even went that well but we ended up kissing. After the date was over I biked over to this other girl’s house, a hot single-mum, we drank four cans of fosters each and then we fucked.
The next day I went down to London for a week to work. When I got back we arranged to go on another date, she picked the venue. It was miles away from anywhere. I showed up on my bike, she seemed really taken aback by this. Later that day I got a message from her saying she didn’t want to see me anymore because ‘we are just at different points in our lives’.
This isn’t the first time this has happened it happens all the time, when girls find out the truth about me. Most aren’t even interested in hearing how I fucked my life up – Ritalin at 11 weed by 14 then the next 15 years just sort of drifted by on a magic carpet controlled by uppers, downers…
Sometimes the magic carpet would go sideways. Other times it would just spin around. Anyway I finally got clean a few months back after I OD’d almost choked to death on my own vomit and would up in a loony bin. When you go through something like that you find out, who your friends are and if it wasn’t, for my closest friend I would have probably have just given up and topped myself.
But I’m still here.
Anyway that rejection couple with the fact that single-mother I was fucking had stopped texting me back left me feeling pretty low. It was the first time since getting clean that I felt like I might actually relapse.
I never intentionally set out to tell girls I was a married man. Maybe it’s just the girls around where I live but it seems like all girls want these days is guys with money. They don’t even care if you treat them right, being there for them doesn’t seem to even matter to them. I was chatting to this girl online one night, pretty girl, a few years younger than me. we had exchanged about 10 messages when she asked me: ‘Do you live on your own’. Me being me I tried to brush the question of with humour, ‘why are you going to come over and hack me to death with an ice pic?’
I think she laughed out loud? ‘haha you think I’m a weirdo don’t you?’
Then she just repeated the question ‘who do you live with?’
It was around about this point that I realised, like most women who live in my area, she was just another gold digger. Initially I decided not to message her back. Just leave it but after about 15 minutes I thought fuck it, I’m going to take control of the situation so I messaged her ‘I live with my wife’
To be honest with you I didn’t think she was message me back but not only did she message me back she actually seemed intrigued by it and we arranged to meet up the following day. I was pretty astounded! It was as if the fact that I appeared to have my shit together and be capable of sustaining a relationship seemed to make her want me more. We arranged to meet the very next day. We talked for a few hours with the help of coffee. It was almost like a normal date until she started asking me about my wife. I lied through my teeth, told her - my wife was a weed smoking, alcoholic Valium addict who was always running off with the car. The date culminated in a kiss. It was only a little kiss but it felt like it really meant something.
Later that night we were talking on line and she confided that sleeping with a married man was a fantasy of hers. This went some way to reconcile my guilty conscience with my the little devil who sits on my shoulder spurring me on. Ever since I stopped doing drugs my little pet devil has been has undergone his-own transformational journey. He’s more bitter and narcissistic than before and he spurred me on, goading me into fucking myself over once again.
I only have three friends in my life, the first friend I told. Lets call him bob - he’s just as narcissistic and morally destitute as I am. He thought it was hilarious - he couldn’t stop laughing his ass off. He congratulated me on finally getting some backbone and fighting back against the shackles of life. My second friend was fairly indifferent, if he didn’t approve he wasn’t vocal about it he just told me to: ‘be careful’. My third friend, I guess she’s my best friend. She always tells it like it is and her opinion matters to me. She was pretty shocked. She asked me if I really liked this girl I told her I did. She said something along the lines of: “You are hurting both of you but you are mainly hurting yourself and you should come clean and just tell her the truth and if she really likes you and if it’s meant to be she’ll understand. It’s my job to be your cricket because sometimes you can be so hollow”.
We spent most of the weekend messaging each other, it turns out we had more in common than I had ever anticipated and I wasn’t living this lie we could have had something very special. But girls like her aren’t interested in guys like me. Guys like me live in purgatory. When I was using I was practically dead, never going out, living on the fringes of society. Now although I feel alive I still live like a dead person I do everything I used to do except without the drugs. I guess mostly I’m just depressed.
We arranged to meet on the Monday evening. We didn’t meet though. She bailed. When I messaged he she said she couldn’t bring herself to do anything with a married man. I guess she was just too good a person. Since it didn’t matter anymore I came clean. She was angry, and understandably so. She asked me why I on earth I would pretend to be married. So I told her what I just told you. She actually understood and although she was angry she extended an offer of friendship to me. I took it. I don’t know if it will last or just fizzle out. I’ll never meet another girl exactly like her and I wish I had been honest from the start but the irony is if I was honest I wouldn’t have even have got my foot in the door.
A couple of nights ago I was talking to a different girl online. She asked me: ‘Who do you live with’ So I told her: ‘I Live with my wife’.