When Dealing With the Police in the Dromedeverse, Your Rights May Vary

While Camelorum Adventures (it's on DeviantArt) may be written as a comedy, it does contain some dystopian overtones.

Some might even think that Dromedary Heights is descending into a police state at the rate the city is going - not that its resident hero wannabes have been all that successful at giving it reasons not to!

In this take, based on this one by @BeeNee, I'm going to explore her scenarios through the lens of someone living in the Camelorum Adventures universe. You may be thankful you live here, and not there!

Stopped in a public place

If you're normal? Follow normal protocol as listed by BeeNee.

What if your hair starts acting like a fiber optic lamp, and there's reason to believe you were involved in a crime? Well, then you're screwed. Don't make excuses. Don't lie. Ask for "Stan's program." It could get you three years at Camelorum Correctional. But if you get out, and avoid being involved in any more reasonable criminal suspicions, then you have a card to show if randomly stopped and harassed about your hair again.

The alternatives - lying, complaining, running, etc....this could get you whisked off to "the orange room." It's a room set aside at the county jail for those Purview Labs staff would love to abduct and dissect in a lab.

This same applies if you are caught bouncing like you're made of Flubber, turning security guards into citrus fruits, or your hands randomly turn into super-bright flashlights. Anything that causes the police to want to reach for their spare pair of pants upon seeing it sprout from you, and your rights and humanity will be questioned. And if you're seen committing even a very minor crime that involves these violations of normal logic....good luck!

If...your mere presence walking down a random street causes the police helicopter overhead to suddenly sprout a cartoon mouth and arms and laugh in the voice of Bozo the Clown and point fingers at the neighbor's poodle and call it a purple duck eater?

Well, just turn yourself in. Do the whole world a favor! You need help! Schizophrenia in you is bad. But when the UNIVERSE develops it because of you...that's even worse yet!

Stopped in your car

Is your car flying? Congratulations! You will be treated like you have no rights! Does your car randomly change what type of make or model it is? You can now be searched at random without any other reason! (You Transformer-hoarding dirtbag!)

Does your car suddenly talk, and claim to self-identify as a monster truck?

Some random bus from out of town will show up. Those who get off the bus will hail your car as a "hero" for this - and then a steamroller will fall from the sky and smash your car and all the praisers. (WRRRYY guy optional.)

Is the girl in your backseat suddenly growing red eyes and spouting a bunch of quasi-satanic gibberish? Be polite with the cop, who is more interested in finding dirt on you anyway and will probably not even notice your possessed passenger. Feel free to leave her in the car when things are being searched. He won't even register she's in there!

If ticketed, admit only to minor wrongs. If no wrongs, they'll think you're lying. If something big, they will dismiss you as an attention whore.

Mention the proverbial elephant in the room, and that's a one-way ticket to Alpacalorum Mental Hospital! (And mention the whale and ostrich terrorizing the intersection right behind the cop, and be treated even worse!)

If detained, things could be worse. Your airheaded mother will (maybe) remember to look you up and pay a visit. She'll wanna make sure you don't miss out on the episode spoilers of her favorite soap, after all!

If let go...park some place as soon as you can and get FAR AWAY from the possessed girl. Seriously! If she kills you and blows up your car, the police will STILL treat her like she's invisible! (And it will be ruled a suicide if you offended Hillary somehow before it happened! But I digress.)

Once you are a safe distance away, call a paranormal exterminator. And be careful: you're being stalked, and the police don't wanna hear it.

Going to jail

It doesn't matter if you consciously did it or not. It doesn't matter if they have solid evidence that it happened or not. If you find yourself in handcuffs, keep your eyes peeled at all times. They may question you. And unless your fiber optic hair is giving away that you're guilty, BeeNee's advice still holds up. However, this is Dromedary Heights.

They can hold you for up to 24 hours without an official charge. And you had better believe they will make it count! If you're lucky enough to negotiate with commissary, you can get the coins you need to make your phone call.

Just keep in mind: the officer wiretapping your call may be able to read your unspoken thoughts while you're on the line! Simply calling to let your family know where you are could be evidence against you that you never even spoke!

He will likely face no penalty if he picks up a third receiver on the same line and taunts you about knowing your thoughts. Prepare to deal with angry and confused family members if this happens. Especially if the officer butting in uses a Stewie Griffin voice impersonation to taunt you with!

Note: screaming "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" will not help! You are screwed. End of story(?)! If you write down the officer's name and badge number, a judge might reduce your penalties based on this unethical approach. If he's in a good mood! If he shows up with a knot in his shoulder and a "f* the world" frame of mind...he won't give a rat's behind about how you're being unjustly handled!

Interrogation

A sense of humor will get you far...provided you don't overdo it, and remain respectful to the officer in question. One of Candace "the Lemon Witch" Mason's first major mistakes was getting too informal, referring to Officer Tribble as "Tribsie." Never call him Tribsie!

If appearing before a judge, never say "Aye aye, captain!" It will make the whole courtroom gut-burst with laughter, but is an automatic contempt charge. But on the bright side, you have 30 days of an audience that has nothing better to do than listen to your stand-up comedy!

If during interrogation, you are asked a load of questions that could get you indicted, be mindful of any Xomification you may have encountered earlier. Since it targets the X chromosome, women should be especially careful of this! If you slip up and lose control in some way, your powers could get you indicted even if you don't confess with your mouth!

If this happens, asking for a lawyer will matter worth peanuts. You will probably get redirected to the firm of Stidney and Komach - a band of public defenders renowned for their sheer incompetence! You just might get the electric chair for littering gum on the sidewalk! They suck that bad!

General population

Or is it...po(o)pulation?

The point is this: since Xiboruty first showed up, no group has been more dramatically altered than the prison populations across the state of Delaware. Sure, you will always have the usual miscreants spending a few nights in jail. Pepe Le' Punk in Drublic. Bruno Uranus. Susan Saran Wrap Killer.

But ever since powered folk started getting locked up by default, many of them have taken Xomification's effects on the brain to the effect of altering the culture and mentality of their surroundings.

The end result? There are literal mad houses that appear to be more sane! Forget the Bloods, Crips, and Umpteen-Head Duck-Dragon-Fiddle-Panthers!

Make way for the Other Knights Who Also Say "Ni"! Then there's the Star Trek crew wannabes. Just beware: dilithium crystals might be crystal meth! (Or maybe it's sugar glass. You can never tell at first.)

The Cubans in the presence of a Xomified will all suddenly feel compelled to do Cuban Cabana, even if the ultra-lib feminist SJWs scream "racist" until their throats are parched! Chick-chicky boom, baby!


Of course, being in there isn't all bad. If you have powers or get friendly enough with someone who does, then you typically don't have to worry about the craisins that used to be thugs pestering you too much, right?

Watch out who you meet! You might get shanked, or you might find yourself in the middle of a Lion King opening re-enactment - in which you get to play Simba! Or, you could wake up with a rubber duck glued to your head!

Because under Xomian influence, jail is like an acid trip that never ends! Welcome to Hell. And you are in the Beyond section!


Don't expect filing a lawsuit to be easy either! Stidney and Komach, remember?

Police at Your Home or Business

If you're a known Xomified, then just ignore BeeNee's advice entirely and make sure you have catacombs beneath your home or business and an escape path leading to the woods. Know your own traps and set plenty of them! Make your catacombs a maze that only you know how to navigate!

You try arguing the 4th Amendment after they've seen you turn a car inside-out just by singing the Macarena in its presence, and...they honestly won't care! Warrant, schmarrant! You are a glitch in the universe!

If you're normal, but may know someone who is Xomified and a fugitive, DO NOT let the Xomified stay at your home! If police have reason to believe you've been harboring them for any length of time, taking a bazooka to your front door and barging in to take you into custody will seem a "reasonable" measure to them!

If you or your friend causes any officers to suddenly undergo Lovecraftian body horror - even without consciously trying to do it - it'd better be because they shot first! Otherwise, you are likely to find yourself riddled with more holes than Miriam Carey and LaVoy Finnicum combined! There will be nothing left to bury! You will be Yezhoved so completely, they will dip your teeth in acid to destroy even dental record methods of identifying you! It'll be like you never existed - a sigh of relief!

If Xomians or Xomifieds are suspected of being involved, police may be less inclined to care that you do not consent to a search. It is better to indict yourself at this point, than to try to stick up for your rights. One dandelion sprouts from the scalp of one officer, and all bets of them treating you like a citizen with rights are off!

In conclusion

I'm guessing at this point, you are all very grateful to live in the world you do - and not in the world of that story! Winding up on the chain gang is lucky in that world!


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  • 4d

    It seems you went to a lot or work to write this, and although I have no idea what the hell you're saying, I appreciate the time you put into it.

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    • 4d

      For the development of Camelorum Adventures. I read one take about realistic situations, and then decided I'd try to figure out how the very warped rules of that other universe would screw with something like legal procedure.

      This basically demonstrates the same principle discussed in "Heroes and Philosophy" by the Blackwell Group: If superpowers were real, the legal system as we know it would become completely dysfunctional. (As if the real thing didn't have enough problems.)

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