Inside the mind of a teenage girl with BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder)

[Anonymous]

Hi! I'm 16 and I was diagnosed with BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) 3 years ago.

If you feel like reading it, this is a description of BDD:

"Most of us have something we don't like about our appearance — a crooked nose, an uneven smile, or eyes that are too large or too small. And though we may fret about our imperfections, they don’t interfere with our daily lives.

But people who have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) think about their real or perceived flaws for hours each day.

They can't control their negative thoughts and don't believe people who tell them that they look fine. Their thoughts may cause severe emotional distress and interfere with their daily functioning. They may miss work or school, avoid social situations and isolate themselves, even from family and friends, because they fear others will notice their flaws."

Ever since I was 11 I have had extreme low self-esteem. I hated (and still hate) everything about my appearance.

I have often heard my friends tell me "shut up you're pretty" or "oh my god stop over-reacting".

So, I'm here to help those of you with this attitude undertsand what it's like to be me.

I have many nervous habbits. I pick my skin for hours, pull my hair out, bite the skin on the inside of my mouth constantly, chew my nails, cut myself on the thighs around the bikini line (where no one can see), and many others.

I use these tactics to help cope with my extreme feeling of ugliness. When I look in the mirror, I see a distorted image (A monster.)

Thinking about how ugly you are for 8-12 hours can be stressful. I WISH and pray to god every day that I can finally accept my looks, and feel beautiful FOR once, but I can't.

Here's a list of what I would change about myself:

-Smaller nose, bigger lips, straighter teeth, bigger boobs, 3 inches shorter, smaller feet, would rather be brunette, 10 pounds heavier, bigger butt, etc..

This take is not a complaint. I decided to go anonymous because I don't want any compliments or people telling me how self-centered I am.

I wrote this take so that other girls/boys with the same low-self esteem issues as me can write down their experiences, and hopefully relate.

No one knows I have BDD except for my mom and dad. The last thing I want is people throwing me a pity party, telling me that I'm an "attention whore".

So, please if you have stories of self-harm/ugliness/depression please share. You AREN'T alone.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I can relate to many things you mentioned such as, looking in the mirror seeing a monster looking back at you while others don't, thinking about it daily for most of the day, praying to God that you can accept yourself & feel beautiful along with the precaution of others misjudging you a as self-absorbed, attention-seeking & egocentric person, which really hurts because you know that it's genuinely not the truth. For myself, having BDD& depression makes me feel frustrated & hopeless. Two major roots thickened the stem of my low self esteem from childhood, those were my hopes of what I prayed to look like not happening & being bullied then & now pretty badly for not looking feminine enough. Now I'm more antisocial then I already was so I can escape my looks constantly being criticized & them being a bother to others. Constantly, I think, talk, complain & cry about it, always ask my family what I look like & accuse them of lying whenever they tell me the opposite of what I see. Daily I take 1000s of pics of myself comparing myself to other women I wish I looked like & measuring myself repetitively. I used to dress some of my items in my clothes as solid comparisons & bashed myself with heavy glass objects, which resulted in my family hiding those things from me. Everything I was doing deeply scared & stressed out them out, that's why now although I'm very scared of the uncertainty I'm trying my hardest to avoid looking in the mirror, watching tv, movies & listening to certain genres of music ( even if it's instrumental).
Yet overall, I'm very grateful for your take on this disorder, because as much as it's awfully saddening to hear that you are suffering from it, your understanding of how it feels is very comforting, along with your ambition to reach out, relate & hear others experiences with emotional pain is truly admirable. Please keep holding on, you will get through this. Thank you for being compassionate, you're very sweet. God bless you❤

[apexalpha]

I think if people would be more accepting of others, and recognise that there is no such thing as universal beauty, or a an ideal look, then putting others down because of their "inferior beauty" would not take place. A society that is not shallow = no BDD sufferers..

[Hopefuldreamer8]

I'm not actually sure if I have BDD. I've never been officially diagnosed, but if I've talked about how ugly I am online, people tell me that I probably have it. However, the problem is I have never really been called pretty or beautiful offline. People, including family members have been telling me since I was 12 years old that I have a really ugly face. It was something I was bullied for in school quite a bit. When I mentioned the bullying at home, my family would tell me it's true and to deal with it.

So even years later I still think of myself with a really ugly face. People offline still tell me I am ugly. It's all I ever think about it. I have social anxiety because of how ugly I am. The thing is, is it really BDD if other people tell you that you're ugly too? Is it BDD if you've been bullied for it.

From what I understand about BDD is that you only think you have that flaw, but no one else does. It's basically all in your head. So I don't really know.

[Anonymous]

I was recently diagnosed with BDD. It was so bad I was severely depressed, these obsessive thoughts about how ugly I am were exhausting me, and making me sick. I hate the way I look so much. I cry when I look the mirror at times, want let anyone take my photo unless I'm not looking up in it.. sucks. Always thinking people think I'm terribly ugly, it's horrible, feeling like that all day every day. Yikes.

[aamy811]

I've never truly diagnosed with BDD, but I was once talking to a doctor friend of my family. I described to him my problems an he said it sounded like BDD. He wanted to me to come in so we could explore it more, but I was too scared too and avoided it

[Random_chick_2384]

I think that's how most girls feel. I feel like that a lot because all of my friends get hit on and told my real boys they are pretty and crap. Then I'm here on gag and get it hit on my creepy dudes that want me to be their gf when I haven't meet him. Or some 40 year old.

[myTake Owner]

you are really pretty...
and you have really long, healthy, shiny hair. I'm sure a lot of guys your age think you're cute/pretty.

[Random_chick_2384]

Not really. And it's the filter I used.

[myTake Owner]

Still. There's nothing to feel ugly about. You look really pretty !

[Random_chick_2384]

Awe thanks!!