If I had to choose one picture of my husband and I that described our marriage, this would be it.
My husband and I have been married for just about a year and a half. Let me tell you, when they say that the first year is the hardest, they aren't lying. Since I've been with my husband I've grown and learned very quickly that there is no such thing as a fairytale relationship. That sounds bad, but it's reality. I have always had this fantasy of the man I would marry and how everything would be picture perfect. How there would be no screaming matches or tears. There would be no loss of passion or admiration. Boy was I wrong.
My husband and I actually started out hating each other, believe it or not. I was 18, he was 21. I was dating one of his friends at the time and for a good solid year we were not fond of each other in the least. But eventually a friendship blossomed. A friendship were we would talk all night long on facebook messenger and bust each others balls whenever we were face to face every other day. We continued developing a bond between us over the years regaurdless of how much time lapsed between us talking or seeing one another.
In between the time of our friendship and starting a relationship I had 2 failed relationships and 2 children. My husband on the other hand was a free, single man. He wasn't tied down with children nor was he tied down in a relationship. He was aspiring to reach his dreams in life. And to be quite frank, he could be with a different girl every other night and not have to answer to a single one of them. But never the less, he and I finally intertwined our lives. The friendship that we had built over the years had a much stronger effect on our relationship than I thought was possible. There was passion and fire when it came to the two of us in every way, shape, and form. He made me laugh harder than I think I ever had. I couldn't stop smiling whenever I was with or thought about him. He took on my two children like they were his own. I was completely sure that this was it, this was my fairytale ending.
But I was quickly slapped right in the mouth with real life. Eventually there was fighting and crying. There were fuck ups and lying. But then we were back on track after a few months. We got engaged, but the anxiety of the wedding weighed heavy on both of us. We went back and forth with constantly fighting and a few times I had to hear about his second thoughts on getting married. Or how he didn't know if he was right for this kind of life with kids and a wife and a routine. We still went ahead and got married. Within our year and a half of marriage, things got worse, then better, then really bad. He had suspicions I was screwing around. I had suspicions he was at least talking to other people. He stopped showing affection and became cold. I became needy and angry. We have split at least 3 times since we've been married and each time ended up back together thinking we resolved our issues. But those issues always came back.
Finally I came to the realization that we had lost our spark and our friendship. We were complete strangers to each other. The good days were great, but the bad days were horrible. And we had more bad than good. I was depressed and so was he. We finally split for a while and we were able to reevaluate our relationship. We both needed to come clean on certain topics. We had to learn to be honest with each other and learn to forgive. We both came to realize deep down all we wanted was each other, but in the fashion of what marriage was about. Honesty, trust, friendship, and love. Not what we had originally turned into with the lying, neglect, and fighting. We lost something in each other and instead of working on our marriage we just gave up and sat in the misery of limbo with each other.
With all cards laid out on the table we were able to forgive and rebuild. Now I don't think we could be in a better place with on another in our marriage. But what I originally wanted to put a my take on was marriage. Not just mine, any and all marriages.
Marriage takes hard work. You will constantly be on a rollercoaster with your spouse for the rest of your life. It will never be a fairytale. Things will go wrong. You'll fight over money, kids, or anything that could get thrown in your path. But these are the things that make a marriage strong. Your ability to turn a negative into a positive or your ability to forgive or compromise and love is what is going to knit you and your spouse together. You being able to look back and say that you and your spouse still love and respect one another after all the bullshit you could possibly go through is a powerful thing in a marriage. It shows that it was worth fighting for. It was worth standing beside your spouse in any situation. It shows that you still see your partners flaws in a perfect light.
People in relationships or marriages need to stop holding on to the story book expectations of a relationship. If you expect there to be no trials to go though with your partner or for them to never get angry or depressed, then you are holding them to unrealistic expectations. You want the hardships. Simply because it will show you what you are worth to each other. You'll know that your relationship withstood everything life has thrown at you. Thats what real love is. Real love is making it together, having a strong enough bond to come out on top everytime life knocks you down. Every so often you need to break up your routine and just be crazy together. You need to always take a step back and remember why you wanted that one person out of the billions of people on earth. We always end up taking the little things for granted and we always want more. It's greed and gluttony at it finest. When you think about it, that most applies to money...and relationships.....
I know in my marriage, our bond is strong. I know that everytime something happens we come out loving each other reguardless. And We both have made mistakes that we have made up for. But I think my biggest mistake with my husband was holding him to fairytale expectations and making him pay for what past relationships have done to me. Which was never fair. I'll never blame him for how he felt during our rough times because I made it that way just as much as he did. I had given up on him too. My husband is one of the most loving, nurturing, comical guy I know. And to see him as lost and miserable as I became in the relationship destroyed me. Losing a mutual respect for each other truly begain to ruin us. Our marriage began to crumble underneath our feet because we started to let go of what was important. Our friendship and passion for one another. We are both fighters. But it took us a while to start fighting side by side again rather than fighting each other. Even through everything I still look at him like he is the sun in my sky. He is the only one who holds me together when im falling apart. I've finally learned to appreciate that. I've learned to appreciate the fact that he's there beside me, even when he's playing madden or falling asleep through a movie. That's all I need. Just to know he's there with me and happy.
This ended up being more about my marriage than marriages in general. but I hope someone can take this and get something useful out of it. at least acknowlegde that there are really suttle things that can ruin relationships and be mindful of what they are.