I am a very outgoing person but I also have anxiety so being myself is difficult and confusing. This is going to be a story, written from the view of, well...me.
The music blares from the speakers and the liquid in my cup ripples with the vibrations and movements all around me. I go over to the corner of the room and tightly grip my cup in my hand, watching all the sweaty bodies grind and make out, my nose curling up in disgust but my mind full of jealous thoughts.
A really hot guy is standing close to me and although I can barely hear my own thoughts, I can still make out parts of what he's saying to his friend.
"Yea..hot girls...single..." Oh! I'm a single girl and I hope I'm hot to him. Wait no I don't, then we'd have to talk if he approached me.
I hope he talks to me!
No I don't.
My heart races with all of the posibilites and I worry about everything that could go wrong and what could happen.
I take a step forward and tap the guy on his shoulder. He turns and looks at me, and I just now notice how long his hair is. It's pulled to the side I couldn't see, and I smile at him trying not to stare.
"Hey, I love your hair." I calmly say and take a sip of my juice.
He smiles very charmingly and replies with a nod and a polite thank you. He turns his attention back to his friend and I slink away back to my corner, my heart racing with that little exchange.
Shit I'm stupid.
After fixing my shirt I set my cup down and suck in a deep breathe before plunging into the ungulating masses of sweat soaked drunk people. I try to mimic the way they're moving, my body moving the same as there's yet my actions seem so much more awkward than theirs. I give up and sigh in exasperation, leaving the house and it's occupants behind.
I shiver against the night air and wish I brought my jacket. I walk down the side of the street and keep my head down, my teeth chattering slightly. I feel something come up from behind me and it's the same long-haired guy from the party. He's walking at a steady pace behind me and I can tell he was watching.
"What're you doing?" I ask, my voice shakey and hanging still in the cold night air.
"I saw you leave, I didn't want you to get hurt. Here," he says while taking off his coat, "it's cold, take it." He holds his black jacket out to me, my hesitating obvious. "It's okay, you can keep it till you get to your house."
I slowly reach my hand out to grab it and I wrap my fingers around an edge, pulling the jacket on. Reveling in the warmth it immediately provides me I get a wiff of the cologne he wears. Old Spice. Yum.
"Thank you." I softly say, turning back to walk to my house. I can hear his footsteps behind me as I walk so I slow my pace and allow him to catch up to me. "So," I begin unsure as to how to proceed, "why aren't you just driving yourself home or anything?" Fuck that was stupid to ask, he probably doesn't have a car.
He smiles at me, the street lights giving his face a ghastly yellow hue. We walk in sync, our footsteps quiet on the pavement and he speaks up after being quiet for a while. "My license got revoked after a DUI incident. Thats why I wasn't drinking at the party or driving now." After no reply from me, since I never know what to say, he changes the subject. "I noticed you hiding, trying to dance and then leaving."
I roll my eyes and keep walking forward, but I look down instead of keeping my chin up. God what an idiot. He probably thinks I'm a major loser. Hopefully he'll try to kiss me! No wait, I don't know him and he may be hot but he's a stranger and he's following me home.
Yea after he gave you his jacket and is taking an interest in me.
"So? I ask, pulling the jacket tighter around me when the wind picks up. We can no longer hear even a trace of the party and we've had to have been walking for at least 15 minutes.
"So I was wondering why, why hide, why leave after dancing for less than a minute?" He faces forward and I think my awkwardness is more evident than I hoped.
"So I have anxiety!" I say exasperated and I pick up my pace, my flats making light slaps on the road as I try not to swerve and just walk straight. I didn't even drink any alcohol and I can barely walk in a straight line. Great now he'll think I'm retarded and don't even know how to walk. Or that I'm a prude and can't drink a little beer.
"And..." he prods on, not a hint of the usual mocking tone I hear from his kind.
"And I'm not like you guys. I'm not attractive, I don't have a lot of money or a great fashion sense, I don't fuck every person I can, I don't get drunk or smoke weed. My ideal Friday night is a marathon netflix with a pizza to myself and talking to my friends on Skype about some video game or some cute boy."
"You play video games?" His voice picks up and I can tell he's smiling.
"Out of all of that," I pause before speaking again. "thats what you got out of that?" I try to keep my smile hidden cause I know he's just teasing.
"No I heard pizza too."
"Oh shut up. But seriously though, I'm not your kind of person and you're an entire different type than me."
"What does your anxiety have to do with that?" He asks and he's obvious curious, not mocking me or teasing in any way.
We near my house and I slow down just a little more so I have enough time to explain.
"I was drinking water cause I don't drink beer, and if anyone asked I could say it was moonshine or something. I was hiding because I am so opinoinated and if I heard any conversations I'd wanna join but then I'd berate myself if it turns out I was wrong or they fuck with me cause I know better than to do that. I always have a lot to say and I wanna say it but my anxiety..." I take a deep breathe before continuing, "it's like an anvil sits on my chest. My mind fogs up with worry and my only thoughts are 'what if' and 'what could go wrong in every possibly scenario.' It'll hurt to breathe for me after a while if I can't get it to stop and eventually I'll have a panic attack. I tried to dance because it seemed fun! I was there with my girl friend but she was making out with some hot dude and it made me feel out of place dancing. It's hard to be an outgoing person like I am, trying to take risks to make friends. I always compliment people yet every time I do, especially people my age, my anxiety just crushes my lungs. It hurts when it does." I whisper the last part, breathing heavy and the effort of my breathing comes out in large puffs of clouds in front of my face.
This guy, I don't even know his name, was quiet and just listened the entire time. We finally arrived to my house so I turn to head down my driveway. I stop before starting to take off the jacket but he stops me. "It's okay, just return it to me some other time."
"Oh, are you sure?" I ask him and shift my weight from foot to foot, wanting to go in the house but wanting to keep talking to him.
"I'm sure." He smiles a brilliant 1,000 watt smiles and heads off.
I stand there like a fool and watch him walk away but I see him pause, I hear him yell back to me "My name is Jared Leto by the way!"
I smile calling out in reply, "I'm Maria Brink!"
Once he's out of sight, I take a deep inhale of the lingering scent on his jacket before pulling it tightly around me and heading inside to meet my doom.
So I know it's very long and I'm sorry. I hope you enjoyed reading this and can relate.