I feel like if I get these things off of my chest I will feel a little relieved after having a terrible day..
1. BPD and ruining relationships
I've been diagnosed with it since my childhood and still struggling to live with it and not to end my freaking existence on this Earth. If you don't know what it means let me explain to you in simple terms:
This freaking "amygdala" dude in your brain decides to fuck up your life out of the blue and does not function the same as the rest of the people on the freaking planet, who do not have a mental illness. It means you're on an emotional roller coaster ride 24/7 every single freaking day, hour, second and split second. (Vu-huuuu) Oh and guess what? There exists NO actual cure for it and you may possibly be doomed to live on edge for the rest of your freaking stupid life! Not to mention you will never be able to have a great, stable relationship. Amazing news, am I right!
2. I'm short but NOT petite
I'm about 5' tall and normally you'd think a girl my height would weigh around 100 pounds which was my actual weight 3 years ago. And then I make friends with these two douche-bags: antidepressants and type 1 diabetes. And there you go, not petite any more!
I've been called beautiful, hot, cute etc. But I believe people who compliment me does not actually see the fatty that grins back at me everyday on the mirror. I'm not going to lie and be ungrateful I have a good figure, big boobies, cute butt and all that jazz. HOWEVER dudes and dudettes you should see my freaking extra fat on my upper arms, legs and belly that may not show over all my clothes. I have big muscly legs that could possibly top Ronaldo's! And I never had skinny, girly arms! That's why I can never rock a cute tank top or crop tops and I will have to climb all the counters and shelves to be able to reach something, for the rest of my life.
3. I'm terrible at saying NO
I'm freaking nice to everyone in daily life. And I let people use me. Yes, you did read it right, I "let" them do it because I have no freaking self-control in saying or learning to say freaking "no" to people. I even get terribly upset when I have to reject a guy who asks me out. There are some occasions I tell them yes, just because I don't want to hurt their feelings and I usually end up being cheated on. There has been some improvement on "learning to say no" department thanks to some therapies but still I'm terrible at it.
Like you could come up to me and say "hey, girl actually I'm thinking of kidnapping you right now, would it be aright?" and I might say "Oh, alright then!!!"
4. I have zero self confidence
Even though I fake to have a great self esteem, I have zero! Hell I have minus 1! I believe every single freaking person on this planet is better than me in every possible way and I suck at everything that I try even though people tell me the opposite and that I rock at this and that I still have a hard time believing it. I never believe in anything nice about myself.
5. I am messy
Even though I'm a germophobe in some ways such as showering everyday, not holding onto poles in public transportations and not shaking hands with certain people, I am one freaking messy girl! You should see my room right now where all the clothes and make-up products are having a legendary party! Don't feel bad you're invited too!
6. I suck at directions
Both giving and receiving. Like you could tell me to "turn at the second left" and I would freaking "turn at the third right." And and reading maps?! Don't even get me started on that!
7. I am very submissive.
In bed, I am a freaking slave at your command. I'll do what you say, let you use me however you like, hurt me, cut me, burn me and even prepare breakfast for you after all that. I put your pleasure before mine (hell I act like I demand zero pleasure in return!) I know that it sounds good to guys but it's is very, very very bad FOR ME.
8. I'm not a leader
It's true and I can never be one. It has to do with #4 and #7. For me, being a good leader requires being self-confident and maybe just a little bit of narcissism. And I have neither so...not even gonna try to change myself on that anymore....
9. Physically weak, sensitive skin
You should see me after a "soft-core" sex with a guy where I look like I've actually just got out of a real battle, with red bruises and aches all over my body. Also don't be suprised if you see me struggling to open doors and bottles. Yes, even a 12 year old can do that but no-no obviously not me!
10. I'm shy, clumsy and weird
When I'm in public, especially in a crowded place, bus, subway, restaurants, malls, I become like the most naive girl ever! *cough* brain fart *cough. I don't know which way to go, I get distracted by people and I don't know where to put my hands.
I panic. My heart starts to beat faster and not a single day passes by without me bumping into people, triping over things and spilling things on myself. Not to mention if I see a cute guy staring at me, he will have no trouble finding out if I like him back. All he has to do is to look at my freaking cheeks and see if I'm going into my shell or not.
There it is. I have no hope in changing myself because I've tried several times. But the fact that I laugh off most things does not mean everything is perfect in my mind.
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