I am a boring person. I am not interesting to meet, to talk to, to date or to play with. This was not always me but it is the me I chose to be and there is a reason why I made this choice in my life and perhaps sharing it here will allow me to reflect on myself while also building courage and willpower to share the self that isn't worth sharing with others. My reasons are rather simple, four main, and here they are:
1. I Have Abandoned Materialism
I am boring because I have abandoned that which makes one glitter. I wear plain and cheap clothing, sometimes finding myself wishing I wore extravagant suits, but that part of myself is now but a murmur as I carry forward the quiet dignity of less-than-interesting apparel. I am not stylish though I am clean and I am not glitzy though I am pragmatic. I do not fear owning new things but I do not buy things I will not use, I do not fear owning beautiful things but do not buy things solely for their beauty and I do not fear pronounced things but have no one to impress.
2. I Have Never Held A Religion Or Philosophy
I am boring because I have never held a religion or philosophy. I have tried. I have tried very hard. I have told myself many things. I have read and read and read and looked and sought and by all that is have struggled all of my twenty-eight years to find something to cling to that I may be alike to my kin. I have failed. Though I cite religions and quote scriptures and have knowledge of magicks and spells and curses I do not believe them for a moment; I cannot even buy into the necessity of such a thing as a philosophy though I try and when someone asks me "What is it you believe in?"
I make something up from the knowledge pools of my collection but in reality I have found that, despite my own lies to myself, it is time I came clean about it. I find this the most drab thing about my life because there is nothing worse than a man who stands for nothing. I am reasonable and unbiased and what a boring way to live is that. Whether it is life being sacred, one person mattering more than another, the value of our thoughts and words and individualism, all of this falls away for me and I am left as dull as a brick.
3. I See No Depth And Have No Depth
I am boring because I see no depth and have no depth. I am a shallow empty shell of a man. There are no secret cogs, no evil plans and no elements to unearth to me; I have nothing and see nothing and it shows. When a man sees the scheming face of another he grows suspicious and begins fevered imaginations on what is being plotted but not I, no, I simply grow suspicious and wary and avoid the trouble if possible or, should I need to face this valley, traverse with care.
I have decided that this is why I am terrible at Chess; predicting things based on logic and calculating elements based on controllable values is one thing but ultimately it is nothing compared to calculating the behaviors of your fellow man which is something I cannot do. My lack of interest in others has reminded many of people with syndromes like Asperberger's and Autism but I am neurotypical, just really boring, so much so that it is thought that I must not be neurotypical. I take myself at face value. I take others the same. What a terrible way to be.
4. My Eyes Are Forward But I Am Blind
I am boring because my eyes are forward but I am blind. I have no ambitions. I have no desires. I have no drives. I create for myself falsehoods in order to produce a sequence of actions but they are passionless choices often linked to pragmatism. I convince myself I enjoy this, or that, because it is incredibly difficult to live under the weight of constant and unerring boredom caused by being boring. I do, but do not know why, and act, but do not do so wisely, and plan, but all seems empty to me. This does have two distinct benefits however; the first is that I am able to focus quite well on things and the second is I am able to sacrifice things without trouble. I do not grow attached to my work or my successes and there have been times when people have outright stolen my work and I did nothing and felt nothing. I march like a drone through life waiting until I simply stop marching.
Well, future self, if this is still you then apparently we're on the same track. If you changed you won't be able to let me know, but that's okay, maybe it's best I didn't. Here's an image so I can post this reminder to myself: