After suffering a horribly long winter, a crazy spring and a summer full of worrying, I finally am able to sitting at my own house quitely, closing my eyes and feeling the rain outside. It's been almost ten months that I didn't enjoy my life and didn't really smile. I'm still not happy, but I decide to be happy.
My "miserable" life stared from last November, when my beloved boy went to South part of Asia for travelling. It's a four months journey and he went alone, leaving me staying in town finishing my exams, thesis and endless of studies. After he was gone, I lost all my motivation to go out, even when my friends asked me over and over, I still refused again and again because without my boy, I wouldn't enjoy going out. I was kind of a outgoing "party girl", but in those four months, I just went out twice. I was with my boy for one year and a half until he went travelling, and was in love with him so much that I completely lost myself. Never have I fallen in love with someone so deeply that I felt angels were around me when I was with him. After so long time later I could still remember the night when he introduced me to his colleagues as his girlfriend. I thought he was my destiny, I don't want to go anywhere without him. He is such a good guy that took care of me, helped me with my courses and my studies, and everything, everything, until one day, soon after he came back from his travelling, he told me that he was tired of "being my father". The night before he left, I still can see love from his eyes, but then he told me, don't you worry girl, you only have to be strong, and your guy will find you himself.
So I just waited him for four months, without seeing anybody or any friends, waiting for him to come back and say goodbye to me. I was totally crashed. I then went to the bar everynight, get free drinks from the guys and came back home at 4 in the morning and did my thesis from 8 o'clock, then went out again at night... I also met some people online, but I just cannot force myself to like them, until one day, a special guy came to my life.
He is such a special guy, different from all my other friends. He once laughed that my friends are all "gummy bear type of guys". He likes boxing and extreme sports, but he is in a high position in an international company, a good dj, has his own thinkings. All of these made me began to like him, and the day when he told me that he like me, I almost felt that happiness came back to me.
But soon I realised that, I was not happy. I drank, got drunk, wasted, then began to cry. I told him that I miss my exboyfriend for the whole night and complained about my life. He tried to be with me for many times and gave me many chances, until one day I told him, I don't know this feeling is real love or just a rebound for me, then he left me without hesitating.
This short relationship hurt me so much, and for the next two months, I regreted every minute for what I did to him and to myself, I really liked him, and we could have achieved more. I used him as a rebound to forget about my ex, but after that, I suffered even more to forget about him. Nobody knows I actually like his hugging, his caring, the time when he called me "my darling". I've never told him that, and he would never know. Byebye babe, I loved you.
People say that I'm pretty and I have nice smiles. Indeed with my smiles I could get free drink with an ease. But I'm not happy.
Soon after that, a young kid, almost 7 years younger than me, fell for me since the first time he saw me. He invited me over for a movie and a drink, but after that I just left. He is very smart and such a pretty kid that I began to hesitate if he is a play boy, so after that I refused all his invitation and even became mean to him and hurt him on purpose, until I knew that he really liked me, not only just wanted to have sex with me, but he liked me. He is just a normal good kid with a good looking, but I feel insecure after I got hurt a lot of times before I met him. When I realised I already began to love that kid, I apoligised for my impolitness, but of course, everything seems too late already. Only I know my feeling now, so desperate, I hurt him, and also myself.
I told myself, I'm not going to wait for anybody to come to my life anymore, I will just be the best of myself, and heal myself. One of my closed friend, who is 66 years old, once also suffered a lot, he told me, happiness is not something that you chase, it's something you can choose. Maybe I'm still too young to understand that, but I decide to try to be happy. Nobody can save you, unless you safe yourself.
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