Hey people! 🍌
I just wanna start off by saying that I never aim to create takes that are a 'one size fits all' kinda thing. As someone who's hashtagged almost 400 generalisations now, trust me when I say I dislike putting people in boxes. :P
Now, in relationships, there are SO many aspects involved as you all know. Respect, love, loyalty, trust, etc, but in this take, imma focus on 2 main aspects: COMMUNICATION and AFFECTION.
The central point of my take however, is to focus on the two extremes of the communication and affection spectrum and show a few steps on how to balance them. Why? because I argue that MOST people lean towards one or the other [very distant or ultra clingy], and that finding a balance, while difficult, is still possible, and also ideal.
I've also been with both types so I'm in a good position to talk bout this :P Just remember I'm no relationship expert ok? -.- I am also certainly not a woman with unrealistic standards. Like many of you, I've simply been in relationships that I decided to grow and learn from, helping me form a better picture of the guy I'd like to be with FOREVAAA eventually. 😁
gosh i talk a lot. :P ok here goes!
The Very Distant. 🔓
IN A NUTSHELL...
These people are stereotypically many men, because they are pressured into not showing their emotions, but there are many women like this as well. They are characteristically independent, very outgoing but a little introverted, they more so believe in 'actions speak louder than words' and they are also relatively-very confident. They are busy people with big dreams and they strive to be their best always.
It's wonderful, right? :) It honestly is, but the concern with these people is when it comes to relationships, they MUST ensure that they don't allow these aspects of their amazing personality to overshadow their relationship or chance at finding love [if they want it].
I was with one of these guys. I COULD NOT STAND HIM. The distant aspects of him anyway. My goodness -.- I don't want to go into details, but I basically felt I was just an accessory to him, you know? Not really someone who needed to feel loved.
Other signs of a Distant may include:
- Awkward conversation flow by text, phone or in person.
- They regularly apologise for not being able to make it somewhere.
- Getting back to texts or calls takes a LONG time [in this tech savvy generation, i'd personally say anything over 24 hours without a justified reason is long] ⏰
- Excuses that don't add up. 'Sorry babe I'll have to study tonight.' ... next day you learn he was out with 'his boys' for a beer. hmm. 😕
- Closed off body language with you. [not really leaning in for a hug or kiss, folded arms, eyes to the ground, shy, unfocused eye contact, being on their phone, not paying attention to what ur saying, etc.]
- Not complimenting you at all. [yes people like to be acknowledged]
- Treating you more like a friend than a love interest.
I'm sure y'all have more stuff to add, especially those who are experienced.
Moving onto those on the opposite end of the spectrum . . .
The Ultra Clingy. 🔒
IN A NUTSHELL...
These people are stereotypically many women, because they are generally more emotional and have a greater tendency to be jealous, but there are many men like this as well. They are characteristically more dependent, outgoing as well, but a little-very introverted. These people believe in actions, words, kisses, hugs, sex, gifts, you name it. The confidence does need some work, but they aren't wallowing in self pity. Why? because their relationship is essentially where they feel their confidence comes from. These people have more time for a relationship and while they can have big dreams, they may not work as hard for them.
These people are wonderful too :) Such a warm heart and a kind soul with a lot to offer. They are down to earth and prioritise the happiness of others. My main concern, similarly to the Distant, is that these people MUST not allow these qualities to really take over because they become so attached to someone else that they arguably begin to lose their own identity.
I was with one of those men too. GOOD LAWD. Let me tell you, before I got with that guy, I seriously thought I'd LOVE being pampered and being showered in attention, gifts, conversation and affection. I COULD NOT STAND THIS GUY EITHER! As I mentioned earlier, the lack of confidence in a clingy person essentially means that the relationship becomes more so an anchor for their confidence and self worth, rather than a loving relationship for two.
Other signs of an Ultra Clingy may include:
- The conversation flows REALLY well, but it's so... mushy. [sooo many i love you's, crazy amounts of dirty talk, excessive flirting, constant talk of marriage and babies, etc. Like calm down people.]
- They are ALWAYS asking u to meet up, and even though you'd love to... you do have other places to be, or sometimes you just need your own space.
- Getting back to calls and text within LITERAL SECONDS lol. Or at most, 15 minutes.
- Always asking where you are, what you're doing, how you're doing, who you're with, why you're wherever you are, what time you'll be home, what time you have breaks from class/work, if you're out with other guys/girls, what you're wearing if you're going to a party, to send you photos, etc.
- Incredible jealousy. Excuses like, 'it's them I don't trust, not you'... oh yes that's so logical. Why you gotta trust them if you're dating ME, nitwit? 😠
- Extremely open body language with you. [I'll leave that to your imagination ;P 😒 ]
- Complimenting you all. the. time. ALL. THE. TIME. Look it's lovely, but come on...
- Treating you like you're the only thing keeping them alive, which is cute but you would like someone with an identity right?
These are the mains.
What to aim for? BALANCE.
This is something that I believe is CENTRAL to happiness, in all areas of life, not just relationships. If you know you lean towards one of these, just admit it and take it from there! It's totally ok!
STEP 1: Admission. 'ok, I guess I could say I'm a little more Distant/Clingy'
STEP 2: A Plan. 'so, how can I be a little less Distant/Clingy with him/her?'
STEP 3: Implement. 'e.g. 'll try compliment him a little more/ maybe I should tone down how physical I am with her in public a little.'
STEP 4: Adjust, Adjust, Adjust. This is a process, and this is how you attain balance. I believe a level of distance AND clingyness is important for the survival of all relationships, if you think about it.
People can actually respond to their partner's clingyness by becoming distant, and vice versa. I still don't think it's a good idea to have one distant and one clingy person in a relationship though. Always opt to be and looking for someone who is a bit of both =]
You gotta allow yourself to be content with who you are and where you wanna go in life, but you also gotta show that person that they mean so much to you and they aren't just some extra person in your life. You guys, it's so important to show your love and care to those you treasure, because we don't appreciate what we have till it's gone. <3
~~~To those of you who already acknowledge that you are indeed balanced between the two, good on you! I commend you, because this is not easy to achieve and maintain, I'm sure you know that. :)
Anyway, hope this helps someone. Have fun out there y'all. Remember not to obsess over how you 'do' a relationship, but just embrace the areas you feel you need to work on and allow yourself to improve! That is the way to a successful relationship.
Thanks for reading! :)
~ j.B 🍌
Most Helpful Opinions